Comedy is a distortion of what is happening, and there will always be something happening.

Comedy is the art of making people laugh without making them puke.

Thankfully, persistence is a great substitute for talent.

When my mother passed away several years ago—well, wait a minute. Actually, she didn’t ‘pass away.’ She died. Something about that verb, ‘to pass away’ always sounds to me as if someone just drifted through the wallpaper. No, my mother did not pass away. She definitely died.

Women don't want to hear what you think. Women want to hear what they think - in a deeper voice.

It does piss me off when Angelina won't stop calling.