Doesn't matter what you say or do; people can always find a way to call you a dick.

Yeah, I know, some people are against drunk driving, and I call those people 'the cops.' But you know, sometimes, you've just got no choice; those kids gotta get to school!

I keep getting these people at my shows who only know me from television. I can always tell when they're, like, emotionally flinching when I start doing my jokes.

Once you get offstage you're just like everyone else, and everyone else can get into a fight.

What's the two things they tell you are healthiest to eat? Chicken and fish. You know what you should do? Combine them, eat a penguin.

You have to find a way to protect yourself in a certain way from people who are constantly demanding your time.