Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don't get it.

If I ever had twins, I'd use one for parts.

I've always had to conquer fear when I'm on stage. Basically, I was and still am a very shy person. It's absolutely in conflict with what I do. But once I deliver the first joke I'm okay. It's like I'm out there all by myself just delivering my lines to nobody in particular without ever trying to notice the audience in front of me.

The problem I have with the press is that if you tell them anything interesting, they never take any notice.

I'm going to get an MRI to find out whether I have claustrophobia.

If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?