FastSaying

For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.


Steven Wright

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For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them f...
STEPHEN WRIGHT In my dressing room, you'll definitely find some Starbursts and Skittles. I have a lot of candle...
TREY SONGZ I like to open for a band as it brings on sort of a challenge and it makes things more interesting. ...
KELLY JONES They need to get them checked out, clean the burners, make sure that they're burning efficiently, re...
LARRY HILL I was heavily influenced by Andy Kaufman and Steven Wright.
DAVID CROSS I basically got it when I asked them why my player got a (double-yellow) for breaking up a fight, an...
JAMES BARNES I love Steven Wright. I was in high school in the '80s, and there was a lot of stand up on telev...
DEMETRI MARTIN I've read that Steven Wright's style was born out of genuine nervousness.
MIKE BIRBIGLIA It was tough for us the whole game. You think you've got one of them blocked out and the other would...
JAMES HUMPHREY I just block everybody out. I let me and the basket be one, and I just put them in.
ANTHONY PARHAM He wouldn't lay it out there. But he'd let them put something in play that he wouldn't let them put ...
LEO MAZZONE I quit my band in New York City in 1969 and I got really angry at them. I got angry at one of my gui...
STEVEN TYLER The comedians I liked were Bill Cosby and Steven Wright, like just always as a comedic actor. I alwa...
DEMETRI MARTIN It got to a point in life i let go of all the pointless people in my life, those who loved me, i sho...
OLASOT I'm actually quite good at being friends with my exes. I'm friends with almost everyone. In ...
ELLA EYRE A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. —STEVEN WRIGHT
DARYNDA JONES I had arranged a birthday party for him and my children, who are all Aquarians. Instead, we got marr...
DIANE VON FURSTENBERG I knew my slider got them out before, and I was going to make them hit it.
JEFF WEAVER I want to release six songs, let people listen to those, let them chill for a second, do a tour, rel...
BEBE REXHA I don't want women and their families to be left out and left behind. We can fight for them. We will...
BARBARA MIKULSKI I would fight for my liberty so long as my strength lasted, and if the time came for me to go, the L...
HARRIET TUBMAN I would fight for my liberty so long as my strength lasted, and if the time came for me to go, the...
HARRIET TUBMAN When I was in high school I saw Steven Wright, a brilliant one-liner comedian, and I thought: 'T...
MIKE BIRBIGLIA A couple of weeks ago, I had a bad taste in my mouth. I was really upset because I thought we gave t...
CALVIN CAGE I was playing the villain 'Falseface' on Batman, and I got wind that they were going to pay ...
MALACHI THRONE [He puts gum in his hat] I always keep gum in my back pocket, ... If we make the third out when I am...
LUIS GONZALEZ Find the things that matter, and hold on to them, and fight for them, and refuse to let them go.
LAUREN OLIVER I have kept a diary,
WITHNAIL AND I I used all of my acting skills. At one point I let them think I had a poor hand. I knew if they smel...
KATHY LIEBERT History is a wheel, for the nature of man is fundamentally unchanging. What has happened before will...
GEORGE R.R. MARTIN I told my father I wanted to play the banjo, and so he saved the money and got ready to give me a ba...
JACKSON BROWNE The first game was interesting. We had a four-run lead and squandered it, but Daly puts up zeros, De...
MIKE TRAPASSO It kind of kept coming up in my mind: I've got a no-hitter; I can't let them get on.
JOSH MONTGOMERY We knew that we had to play hard and had to turn it up and at that point, we decided we got to put u...
KYLAN ROBINSON Simply put, you put your gloves on and you've got the pipes, or as I call them, the sucking tubes, a...
KATHERINE HEATH Put them in a room with good circulation and no direct sunlight.
ROBBIE CRANCH And sometimes, I tell them, I like to put my head back, like this, and let the rain fall in my mouth...
RAY BRADBURY It's a great way to put stuff out, send it out, let everybody read it and then say 'Oops,' ... You'd...
LARRY POZNER I just kind of conjured them up out of my subconscious and put them in order of ascending peculiarit...
EDWARD GOREY I had model trains as a kid but I didn't have room for them as I got older.
DAVE KLEIN I told Coach that my mom and them were here. They got here late. I saw them come in and I had to do ...
BRIAN KEMP I got wild, walked a couple of guys and hit a guy and they only got three runs, ... When we scored f...
BRUCE CHEN Out of old habit, I put my hand on my collarbone, touching a cross that was no longer there.
<...
RICHELLE MEAD I wish I could put someone in my place for an hour . . . and let them see the emotions I deal with. ...
KAY SHUKWIT I would put her appeal down to consistency. In their eyes, she has never let them down. There's a sa...
PRINCE ANDREW All my life I had to fight. I had to fight my daddy. I had to fight my brothers. I had to fight my c...
ALICE WALKER I have gained wisdom from leaning into my pain, in not allowing the hounds of hell to snap at my hee...
STEVE AUSTIN I know that the whole point—the only point—is to
find the things that matter, and hold on t...
LAUREN OLIVER I know that life isn't life if you just float through it. I know that the whole point- the only poin...
LAUREN OLIVER I wear jewellery that I never take off. I have a ring and two necklaces. I always have them on and g...
ZARA LARSSON The summer of 1991, I took $2,000 of my savings and a desktop program, and I asked my friends to wri...
ERIC LIU When a lot of voices, make up a noise, the man who is silent represents a voice.
APURVA GAGLANI Once we got beat, I told (my assistants) to let them go in (the locker room) for a second by themsel...
TODD JONES People ask me what I'd most appreciate getting for my eighty-seventh birthday. I tell them, a patern...
GEORGE F. BURNS I was just running as hard as I could, wanting to make them make a play, and the next thing you know...
DAVE ROBERTS My viewers actually know about my little routine for spraying perfume. I put it on my wrists and rub...
BETHANY MOTA We've finally given liberals a war against fundamentalism, and they don't want to fight it. They wou...
ANN COULTER My mom used to say, 'Give me my flowers while I can smell them,' and I got the same feeling when I f...
HARRY CARSON I reached out to these guys and showed them my appreciation (for serving). They got to hear my exper...
CAMERON CLAPP By the side of the everlasting Why there is a Yes--a transitory Yes if you like, but a Yes.
E.M. FORSTER We didn't execute from the free-throw line, but we still put a lot of pressure on them, got a lot of...
ANTOINE WALKER I always wanted to shave. It is a very natural process. For my birthday I got a lot of shaving stuff...
CHAZ BONO I always help my wife out with housework such as washing the dishes and doing the laundry. She wash...
ANONYMOUS Is this where I put my birthday info in?
JUSTIN CAUTI I began by saying that our history will be what we make it. If we go on as we are, then history will...
EDWARD R. MURROW When I get up and work out, I'm working out just as much for my girls as I am for me, because I ...
MICHELLE OBAMA Don’t let them win, Marian. Don’t let them make you less than you are. Don’t let them take awa...
ANNE BISHOP I was just trying to throw strikes and let my defense help me. I got a lot of ground balls and they ...
CLINT CROSIER When I was young and it was someone's birthday, I didn't have the money to buy nice presents...
DAVID HENRIE I have angel wings and a halo on my wrist, which I got done on my 30th birthday in memory of my brot...
SHERIDAN SMITH You've got a few boats making it bad for everybody. Anybody that continues to pump out, I hope they ...
ANTHONY GODINICH You called her Kitten? And she let you? She put me in a coma for three days when I
called her t...
JEANIENE FROST Carry the battle to them. Don't let them bring it to you. Put them on the defensive. And don't ever ...
HARRY S TRUMAN Carry the battle to them. Don't let them bring it to you. Put them on the defensive and don't ever a...
HARRY S TRUMAN They throw HIV-infected people into the river or dig a grave and put them in it and let them die, or...
FRANCISCAN FATHER JUDE I did a cake for the 60th birthday of Elton John, for Britney Spears' 27th birthday and for the ...
RON BEN-ISRAEL I have walked away from friendships when I've realized that someone smiles to someone's face...
SOPHIA BUSH The thing I put in my pocket has got to do more for me. It's got to let me access more information t...
STEVE BALLMER We were able to put Colby in there and he gave us a spark. That got them settled down. That 90 yard ...
DAN COCANNOUER I got my first pilot lessons for my 16th birthday, ... I was scared the first time I tried it, but I...
ERIC HOFFMAN I have a few pieces that I got for my birthdays or that I bought for myself: I acquire things that s...
DASHA ZHUKOVA It was to be a birthday surprise for Letterman, who is a huge fan. But Tom said 'We've got commitmen...
JOHN ZIEGLER I tell my customers: Don't let them sit in a box. Please, use them!
BILL HOPKINS I actually feel most at home when I find people who make me feel really dumb, who are brilliant at t...
MICK EBELING I met Leonardo DiCaprio and Busta Rhymes the same night, on my birthday in New York.
JASON MITCHELL Then, I turned around and walked to my room and closed my door and put my head under my pillow and l...
STEPHEN CHBOSKY One time, I pranked my sister: I put red solo cups in her room on her floor and filled them with wat...
CAMERON DALLAS I had no clue. Just take one of them out and put them in there.
TOMMY TUBERVILLE I've got to learn to let people do their job. When I was on the defensive side of the ball, I may ha...
DUANE MCWHORTER I have got an anthology album out. The American version has got the same mixes but the European vers...
JOHN ENTWISTLE I want to take all our best moments, put them in a jar, and take them out like cookies and savor eac...
CRYSTAL WOODS God put me and these boys together, and by me doing what I did for them, I ended up saving my own li...
BARRY HUNTER I don't like the idea of things being off-limits to kids - like a fancy sitting room where they ...
DEBI MAZAR I dressed up as a veterinarian for a Halloween costume party. I had the lab coat. I got a couple of ...
TRACY CHAPMAN I got a lucky bounce on the first one, and I got lucky on the second one, too. I think I've been get...
MATT BRADLEY We made a change and got in a good rhythm. I was happy just to see us hang with them, let alone win ...
KAREL TRESNAK JR What I want to do is make them put the ball somewhere and let my defense take care of the rest.
BRITTIN LARSEN My parents have been married 50-some years, and I've never heard them fight. I got the chance to...
TOM CATENA In 2004, I went onstage for the first time. They put a mike in my hand and pushed me out the door in...
M.I.A. It's not hard to remain optimistic, because I just have to remember and look in the faces of my chil...
GRAHAM NASH

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STEVEN WRIGHT What's another word for Thesaurus?
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STEVEN WRIGHT It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to paint it.
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STEVEN WRIGHT I spilled Spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
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STEVEN WRIGHT I wish the first word I ever said was the word "quote", so right before I die I could say "unquote"
STEVEN WRIGHT If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is ma...
STEVEN WRIGHT Comedians are sociologists. We're pointing out stuff that the general public doesn't even st...
STEVEN WRIGHT Good jokes are gems. A good idea is hard to come by. I couldn't give them to someone else, even ...
STEVEN WRIGHT When I was a kid, I never did funny things to get attention. I was never a funny person. I was never...
STEVEN WRIGHT It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature.
STEVEN WRIGHT Sponges grow in the ocean. This bothers me. How deep would it be if they didn't?
STEVEN WRIGHT Childhood was very nice. The only thing wrong was that I was so introverted, everything became a big...
STEVEN WRIGHT Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.
STEVEN WRIGHT My favorite book is anything by Kurt Vonnegut - he's my literary hero. I got to meet him several...
STEVEN WRIGHT I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
STEVEN WRIGHT I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so...
STEVEN WRIGHT I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, "Got any shoes you�...
STEVEN WRIGHT I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out...
STEVEN WRIGHT Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
STEVEN WRIGHT I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving...
STEVEN WRIGHT It's very interesting, the joke comes first and then the wording comes within five seconds, mayb...
STEVEN WRIGHT