I have a mug that actually verifies that I'm the world's best dad. That's a mug. That's not me talking. You can't just buy those.

When my car runs out of gas, I buy a new one. I don't want to ride around in a quitter.

I started off at the Second City in Chicago... It's an improvisational theater that ostensibly does social and political satire, but when I was there, we generally didn't. We did character work, and we did just the silliest things we could think of. We weren't all that concerned with, you know, changing the world through mime.

Northwestern's alumni list is truly impressive. This university has graduated best-selling authors, Olympians, presidential candidates, Grammy winners, Peabody winners, Emmy winners, and that's just me!

You shouldn't listen to us at all if you're looking for information. We don't take ourselves seriously on any level; we're just comedians.

The only thing that I don't like is my kids watching comedy that isn't actually funny. There's a lot of supposed tween comedy on TV that isn't particularly funny, but it's got a lot of laugh track. And I go, 'Please don't watch that. Please just watch something that's actually funny.'