I wish outer space guys would conquer the Earth and make people their pets, because I'd like to have one of those little beds with my name on it.

I hope that after I die, people will say of me: "That guy sure owed me a lot of money."

Better not take a dog on the space shuttle, because if he sticks his head out when you're coming home his face might burn up

I wish I would have a real tragic love affair and get so bummed out that I'd just quit my job and become a bum for a few years, because I was thinking about doing that anyway.

Love can sweep you off your feet and carry you along in a way you've never known before. But the ride always ends, and you end up feeling lonely and bitter. Wait. It's not love I'm describing. I'm thinking of a monorail.

If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid seeing yourself in the mirror, because I bet that's what REALLY throws you into a panic.