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I would never belong to a group that would accept someone like me as a member.


Groucho Marx

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I never want to belong to any club that would have someone like me as a member
SIGMUND FREUD I won't belong to any organization that would have me as a member.
GROUCHO MARX I won't belong to any organization that would have me as a member
GROUCHO MARX I wouldn't want to belong to a club that would have me as a member
GROUCHO MARX I won't belong to any organization that would have me as a member.
GROUCHO MARX Please accept my resignation. I don't want to belong to any club that will accept me as a member.
GROUCHO MARX Please accept my resignation. I don't want to belong to any club that will accept me as a member
GROUCHO MARX I was always a fan of Groucho Marx as a kid.
MICHAEL FELDMAN The world would not be in such a snarl,/ had Marx been Groucho instead of Karl.
IRVING BERLIN The world would not be in such a snarl, had Marx been Groucho instead of Karl.
IRVING BERLIN Please accept my resignation. I don't care to belong to any club that will have me as a member.
GROUCHO MARX Please accept my resignation. I don't care to belong to any club that will have me as a member.
GROUCHO MARX I sent the club a wire stating, PLEASE ACCEPT MY RESIGNATION. I DON'T WANT TO BELONG TO ANY CLUB THA...
GROUCHO MARX Please accept my resignation. I don't care to belong to any club that will have me as a member.
GROUCHO MARX I'd never join a club that would allow a person like me to become a member.
WOODY ALLEN I think of her as an incredible friend, somebody who would never let me down. Like a family member.
JANET KOGLIN The real achievement of Woody Allen was that he was making movies that felt very personal, and for a...
NOAH BAUMBACH I like to exhilarate the audience like Groucho Marx exhilarated me when I was a kid. Also, I enjoy d...
FRANK FERRANTE I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a guy nailed to two pieces of wood.
GEORGE CARLIN I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a man nailed to two pieces of wood.
GEORGE CARLIN I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.
GROUCHO MARX I'd always heard stories about how Harpo Marx was the most talkative of the Marx brothers. I fou...
HARMONY KORINE Up there with my awards, I have a great big statue of Groucho Marx, just to put everything in perspe...
JOHN LITHGOW The only real laughter comes from despair.
GROUCHO MARX I’ll put off reading Lolita for six more years until she turns 18.
GROUCHO MARX I'm a huge Groucho fan. There were some great comic minds that would transfer into any generatio...
JOE ROGAN I was kind of loathe to go on social media. I find the trolling unacceptable, and I never wanted to ...
DAISY RIDLEY Unsubscribe from should-a, would-a, could-a
MICHAEL H. DANSBURY MWA and The Author's Guild refused to accept me as a member.
M. J. ROSE I would never purposely sing a song about someone I love, I wouldn't want to embarrass them. But...
JACK WHITE It would appear to me that you would be targeting a particular group of people.
MARTHA SMITH When you're in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell...
LINDA KAGE He told us a story once that his father would never accept 'I can't' as an answer. We never tell him...
BOO DAVIS The Beatles did treat me as a member of the group. And that was a great honor, you know?
BILLY PRESTON Playing with Michael Jordan would be a great opportunity for me. I would have someone around I could...
SCOTTIE PIPPEN I feel like a member of any group comprised of outsiders.
BAZ LUHRMANN The letter offended me personally, not as a council member, but as a citizen of Warrick County. I in...
GARY MEYER How lucky I am to have known somebody and something that saying goodbye to is so damned awful.
EVANS G. VALENS I do not care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.
GROUCHO MARX My classmates envy me because I can use a computer twice a week as a member of the IT training group...
LIANG YANFANG would be something that would help me develop a story wherein a very competent woman officer is tran...
MARK FUHRMAN Like I went out to a predominantly black club last night and nobody said anything and I was wishing ...
TAYE DIGGS If I heard someone else singing like me, I would buy it in a heartbeat.
AMY WINEHOUSE The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made. Life is a ...
GROUCHO MARX I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.
GROUCHO MARX If I could find someone who would love me to the extent I do, I would love her to the extent she cou...
M.F. MOONZAJER Only fools wait, and only tools bait.
CRE There are approximately two trillion cells in the human body. You are never alone, there are always ...
DWIGHT W. HAYES I think as long as each council member feels they're allowed to express their views -- (any candidat...
ELIZABETH GOREHAM I am a writer. Imagining what someone would say or do comes to me as naturally as breathing.
JOAN DIDION I would like to be remembered as someone who could make people laugh. I would just like to be rememb...
DOMINIC MONAGHAN I'm a secretive bastard. I would never let anybody watch me painting... it would be like somebod...
ANDREW WYETH The essence of the style is overblown, while maintaining a lot more levels to laugh at things. The c...
VINCE LIOTTA To do all that one is able to do, is to be a man; to do all that one would like to do, is to be a go...
NAPOLEON BONAPARTE I never expected any sort of success with 'Mockingbird'... I sort of hoped someone would lik...
HARPER LEE There will always be someone else with a different view than you. I appreciate them and would never ...
MELISSA ETHERIDGE When someone denies the right of Israel to exist, it hurts us, just as an attack on a close member o...
EPHRAIM MIRVIS As a former member of the IRA, I accept all the responsibilities that are due to me. But in terms of...
MARTIN MCGUINNESS I can’t imagine what it would be like to have sex with a man. To be so intimate with another perso...
RACHEL KLEIN Throughout my life, there are four people I've met who were truly original people. The other thr...
ALICE COOPER I never thought I would become amazing. I never thought I would be as great as my father. I would li...
LUCY HAWKING I just broke up with someone and the last thing she said to me was "You'll never find anyone like me...
KEITH SWEAT I just broke up with someone and the last thing she said to me was "You'll never find anyone like me...
OSCAR WILDE I just broke up with someone and the last thing she said to me was "You'll never find anyone like me...
NEIL GAIMAN “I just broke up with someone and the last thing she said to me was "You'll never find anyone like...
ASHISH KUMAR At every point I am besieged by people who would like me to conform to some social norm of whatever ...
SEAN PARKER I would never date a celebrity. I would want someone with real skills. Doctor, nurse, electrician......
HANNAH GADSBY Bill would be invaluable as a member of our coaching staff.
GLENN TASKER I did a terrible television pilot that was so badly written and dumb that it became a turning point ...
FRAN DRESCHER I never thought it would end like this. I never thought he would leave me without saying goodbye.
PHILIPPA GREGORY I don't know what Peter's epitaph would be, I never asked him what he would like it to be. But certa...
CHARLES GLASS It might sound dramatic and a little grandiose, but as a Latina, I would like to be someone that giv...
CRISTELA ALONZO And it came to me, and I knew what I had to have before my soul would rest. I wanted to belong - to ...
GLORIA VANDERBILT I don't feel as if I belong to an age group.
QUENTIN BLAKE I've never played a gay character on screen, so that would be interesting. I've never played...
EDDIE MARSAN As a kid I was deeply curious as to what college life would be like. Now that I am a university prof...
JAMES KAKALIOS I would like to do something that pushes me as an actress to make me better. I would love to do some...
SAMMI HANRATTY I could dance with you till the cows come home. Better still, I'll dance with the cows and you come ...
GROUCHO MARX I like the word 'fuck'. The word means what it means, but it also means whatever you need it to mean...
LISA GLATT You see," she concluded miserably, "when I can call like that to him across space--I belong to him. ...
L.M. MONTGOMERY I wonder if some part of me knew what was waiting for me. That I would never be a gentle grower of t...
SARAH J. MAAS And still, for all the jealously, all the doubt, sometimes I will be struck with a kind of awe that ...
DAVID LEVITHAN A lot of teenagers write to me and say "I want to write a book. I want to get published." And those ...
MAUREEN JOHNSON With 'Hollow Circus,' I used a family story that haunted me as a kid, one of those anecdotes...
PETER MILLIGAN I began wearing hats as a young lawyer because it helped me to establish my professional identity. B...
BELLA ABZUG I began wearing hats as a young lawyer because it helped me to establish my professional identity. B...
BELLA ABZUG Do not go far with someone you never intend to travel your life’s journey. It would be hard to get...
MUHAMMAD SHAHWAN TARIQ Face after face contorted in hate, men, women, children. Whatever lies had been voiced against me ha...
ANTHONY RYAN Jehanne said that it would always be like this. That I would always be young and beautiful in her me...
JACQUELINE CAREY I have never received a flute from them for free and I would not accept such a gift from any manufac...
JAMES GALWAY Therefore I would ask that any member of the public who has got any information that would assist us...
DAVID COOK I always watched the show thinking, 'Wouldn't it be great to be a member?', but I never ...
DANNII MINOGUE I think we as a group need to attend this meeting. I would like to get direction from this organizin...
KRISTINA HILL I'm a very lucky guy. I had so many people help me over the years that I never had many problems...
WILLIE MAYS Unfortunately, I had a feeling I would never get to my bed as the vacuuming would strike me dead of ...
KATE BRIAN The point, as Marx saw it, is that dreams never come true.
HANNAH ARENDT Don't look now, but there's one too many in this room and I think it's you
GROUCHO MARX I decided to accept people for where they are in life, keeping in mind that I would never be there a...
SUSIE L HILL I wish someone would have told me that, just because I'm a girl, I don't have to get married.
MARLO THOMAS If a man is good in his heart, then he is an ethical member of any group in society. If he is bad in...
DR. ELMER HESS

More Groucho Marx

I remember the first time I had sex - I kept the receipt.
GROUCHO MARX The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made.
GROUCHO MARX Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.
GROUCHO MARX I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.
GROUCHO MARX Well, Art is Art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water. And east is east and west ...
GROUCHO MARX I intend to live forever, or die trying.
GROUCHO MARX I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.
GROUCHO MARX Either he's dead or my watch has stopped.
GROUCHO MARX I worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty.
GROUCHO MARX Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?
GROUCHO MARX Only one man in a thousand is a leader of men--the other 999 follow women.
GROUCHO MARX Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows, marriage does.
GROUCHO MARX One of the best hearing aids a man can have is an attentive wife.
GROUCHO MARX Wives are people who feel they don't dance enough.
GROUCHO MARX No man goes before his time -- unless the boss leaves early.
GROUCHO MARX Time flies like an arrow, fruit flies like a banana.
GROUCHO MARX The trouble with writing a book about yourself is that you can't fool around. If you write about som...
GROUCHO MARX Practically everybody in New York has half a mind to write a book, and does.
GROUCHO MARX From the moment I picked up your book until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day...
GROUCHO MARX The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his checkbook open
GROUCHO MARX Just give me a comfortable couch, a dog, a good book, and a woman. Then if you can get the dog to go...
GROUCHO MARX I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and...
GROUCHO MARX I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yes...
GROUCHO MARX I am so broke, I can't even afford to fill up my bicycle.
GROUCHO MARX How does the healthy dog bark? Ruff Ruff.
How does the cold dog bark ? Scarf Scarf.
How...
GROUCHO MARX I think it is good that books still exist, but they do make me sleepy.
GROUCHO MARX I have a new philosophy. I'm only going to dread one day at a time.
GROUCHO MARX Insurance is like marriage. You pay, pay, pay, and you never get anything back.
GROUCHO MARX Friends are chocolate chips in the cookie of life!
GROUCHO MARX What did the dog say after walking in the desert for hours? If I don't find a tree soon I'm gonna p...
GROUCHO MARX I'm a Nillionaire. I have little to no money!
GROUCHO MARX One of the great things about books is sometimes there are some fantastic pictures.
GROUCHO MARX If aliens saw us walking our dogs and picking up their poop, who would they think is in charge?
GROUCHO MARX A child of five could understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.
GROUCHO MARX I've had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.
GROUCHO MARX When you're in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell...
GROUCHO MARX Blessed are the cracked, for they shall let in the light.
GROUCHO MARX Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.
GROUCHO MARX I worked myself up from nothing to extreme poverty.
GROUCHO MARX Look at me. I worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty.
GROUCHO MARX Please accept my resignation. I don't care to belong to any club that will have me as a member.
GROUCHO MARX If you've heard this story before, don't stop me, because I'd like to hear it again.
GROUCHO MARX Although it is generally known, I think it's about time to announce that I was born at a very early ...
GROUCHO MARX I won't belong to any organization that would have me as a member.
GROUCHO MARX I never forget a face, but in your case I'll make an exception.
GROUCHO MARX There is one way to find out if a man is honest; ask him! If he says yes you know he's crooked.
GROUCHO MARX There is no sweeter sound than the crumbling of ones fellow man.
GROUCHO MARX I eat like a vulture. Unfortunately the resemblance doesn't end there.
GROUCHO MARX Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.
GROUCHO MARX Paying alimony is like feeding hay to a dead horse.
GROUCHO MARX I did toy with the idea of doing a cook-book. The recipes were to be the routine ones: how to make d...
GROUCHO MARX A clown is like aspirin, only he works twice as fast.
GROUCHO MARX I'm leaving because the weather is too good. I hate London when it's not raining.
GROUCHO MARX My mother loved children--she would have given anything if I had been one.
GROUCHO MARX Whoever named it necking is a poor judge of anatomy.
GROUCHO MARX No man goes before his time / unless the boss leaves early.
GROUCHO MARX The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made. Life is a ...
GROUCHO MARX Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it, misdiagnosing it, and then misapplying the w...
GROUCHO MARX No one is completely unhappy at the failure of his best friend.
GROUCHO MARX While money can't buy happiness, it certainly lets you choose your own form of misery.
GROUCHO MARX I find television very educational. Every time someone switches it on I go into another room and rea...
GROUCHO MARX If you've heard this story before, don't stop me, because I'd like to hear it again.
GROUCHO MARX The first thing which I can record concerning myself is, that I was born. These are wonderful words....
GROUCHO MARX Alimony is like buying hay for a dead horse.
GROUCHO MARX I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.
GROUCHO MARX Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him.
GROUCHO MARX Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.
GROUCHO MARX Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you.
GROUCHO MARX In Hollywood, brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom.
GROUCHO MARX I must confess, I was born at a very early age.
GROUCHO MARX I have a mind to join a club and beat you over the head with it.
GROUCHO MARX She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon.
GROUCHO MARX I'm not feeling very well - I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course.
GROUCHO MARX A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running.
GROUCHO MARX Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?
GROUCHO MARX All people are born alike - except Republicans and Democrats.
GROUCHO MARX From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I...
GROUCHO MARX I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it.
GROUCHO MARX Before I speak, I have something important to say.
GROUCHO MARX Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.
GROUCHO MARX I didn't like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions - the curtain was up.
GROUCHO MARX Getting older is no problem. You just have to live long enough.
GROUCHO MARX Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted.
GROUCHO MARX A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere.
GROUCHO MARX I won't belong to any organization that would have me as a member.
GROUCHO MARX Please accept my resignation. I don't care to belong to any club that will have me as a member.
GROUCHO MARX No man goes before his time - unless the boss leaves early.
GROUCHO MARX I'm leaving because the weather is too good. I hate London when it's not raining.
GROUCHO MARX Humor is reason gone mad.
GROUCHO MARX One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know.
GROUCHO MARX Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others.
GROUCHO MARX I wish to be cremated. One tenth of my ashes shall be given to my agent, as written in our contract.
GROUCHO MARX I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.
GROUCHO MARX I've got a good mind to go out and join a club and beat you over the head with it.
GROUCHO MARX I have nothing but respect for you -- and not much of that.
GROUCHO MARX He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot but don't let that fool you. He really is an idiot.
GROUCHO MARX I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
GROUCHO MARX I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yes...
GROUCHO MARX Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and app...
GROUCHO MARX I've got the brain of a four year old. I'll bet he was glad to be rid of it.
GROUCHO MARX Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows - marriage does.
GROUCHO MARX Hollywood brides keep the bouquets and throw away the grooms.
GROUCHO MARX Please accept my resignation. I don't care to belong to any club that will have me as a member.
GROUCHO MARX I don’t have a photograph, but you can have my footprints. They’re upstairs in my socks.
GROUCHO MARX Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy.
GROUCHO MARX All geniuses die young.
GROUCHO MARX There's one way to find out if a man is honest - ask him. If he says, 'Yes,' you know he...
GROUCHO MARX I read in the newspapers they are going to have 30 minutes of intellectual stuff on television every...
GROUCHO MARX We in the industry know that behind every successful screenwriter stands a woman. And behind her sta...
GROUCHO MARX I find television very educational. The minute somebody turns it on, I go to the library and read a ...
GROUCHO MARX She got her good looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon.
GROUCHO MARX The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his checkbook open.
GROUCHO MARX I do not care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.
GROUCHO MARX No one is completely unhappy at the failure of his best friend.
GROUCHO MARX My mother loved children - she would have given anything if I had been one.
GROUCHO MARX There is no sweeter sound than the crumbling of one's fellow man.
GROUCHO MARX She's afraid that if she leaves, she'll become the live of the party.
GROUCHO MARX I'd horsewhip you if I had a horse.
GROUCHO MARX In America you can go on the air and kid the politicians, and the politicians can go on the air and ...
GROUCHO MARX Practically everybody in New York has half a mind to write a book -and does
GROUCHO MARX From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I...
GROUCHO MARX Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
GROUCHO MARX Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others.
GROUCHO MARX There's one way to find out if a man is honest-ask him. If he says, "Yes," you know he is a crook.
GROUCHO MARX She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon.
GROUCHO MARX Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.
GROUCHO MARX Money frees you from doing things you dislike. Since I dislike doing nearly everything, money is han...
GROUCHO MARX Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.
GROUCHO MARX It isn't necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to be unhappy.
GROUCHO MARX I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it.
GROUCHO MARX I sent the club a wire stating, PLEASE ACCEPT MY RESIGNATION. I DON'T WANT TO BELONG TO ANY CLUB THA...
GROUCHO MARX I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.
GROUCHO MARX I could dance with you until the cows come home. On second thought I'd rather dance with the cows ...
GROUCHO MARX Go, and never darken my towels again.
GROUCHO MARX From the moment I picked up your book until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day ...
GROUCHO MARX Either this man is dead or my watch has stopped.
GROUCHO MARX Age is not a particularly interesting subject. Anyone can get old. All you have to do is live long e...
GROUCHO MARX My mother loved children -- she would have given anything if I had been one.
GROUCHO MARX A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.
GROUCHO MARX We dont like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out. Well, art is art, isnt it? Still, on t...
GROUCHO MARX I don't have a photograph, but you can have my footprints. They're upstairs in my socks.
GROUCHO MARX Women should be obscene and not heard.
GROUCHO MARX Please accept my resignation. I don't want to belong to any club that will accept me as a member.
GROUCHO MARX Wives are people who feel they don't dance enough
GROUCHO MARX I was going to thrash them within an inch of their lives, but I didn't have a tape measure
GROUCHO MARX The secret of success is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake those, you’ve got it made.”
GROUCHO MARX Why should I care about posterity? What's posterity ever done for me?
GROUCHO MARX My favourite poem is the one that starts 'Thirty days hath September' because it actually tells you ...
GROUCHO MARX My favourite poem is the one that starts 'Thirty days hath September' because it actually te...
GROUCHO MARX Love flies out the door when money comes innuendo.
GROUCHO MARX If income tax is the price you have to pay to keep the government on its feet, alimony is the price ...
GROUCHO MARX Don’t ever underestimate the importance of money. I know it’s often been said that money won’t...
GROUCHO MARX I must say I find television very educational. The minute somebody turns it on, I go to the library ...
GROUCHO MARX You've got the brain of a four-year-old boy, and I bet he was glad to get rid of it
GROUCHO MARX Wives are people who feel they don't dance enough.
GROUCHO MARX Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.
GROUCHO MARX [When Judy Garland lost the 1954 best actress Oscar to Grace Kelly in] The Country Girl, ... Dear Ju...
GROUCHO MARX I was so long writing my review that I never got around to reading the book.
GROUCHO MARX Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows, marriage does
GROUCHO MARX Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana
GROUCHO MARX Money will not make you happy, and happy will not make you money
GROUCHO MARX Only one man in a thousand is a leader of men, the other 999 follow women
GROUCHO MARX A man is only as old as the woman he feels.
GROUCHO MARX Here's to our wives and girlfriends...may they never meet!
GROUCHO MARX Some people claim that marriage interferes with romance. There's no doubt about it. Anytime you have...
GROUCHO MARX If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.
GROUCHO MARX Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn't arrived yet. I have just one day, and I'm going to be happy in it...
GROUCHO MARX I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.
GROUCHO MARX If you're not having fun, you're doing something wrong.
GROUCHO MARX One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got in my pajamas I'll never know.
GROUCHO MARX Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.
GROUCHO MARX Learn from the mistakes of others. You can never live long enough to make them all yourself.
GROUCHO MARX From the moment I picked up your book until I put it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I...
GROUCHO MARX It isn't necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to be unhappy.
GROUCHO MARX Please accept my resignation. I don't want to belong to any club that will accept me as a member
GROUCHO MARX I did toy with the idea of doing a cook-book. . . . I think a lot of people who hate literature but ...
GROUCHO MARX Why, I'd horse-whip you if I had a horse.
GROUCHO MARX I'm giving you 30 days to live.
GROUCHO MARX She's afraid that if she leaves, she'll become the life of the party
GROUCHO MARX Believe me, you have to get up early if you want to get out of bed
GROUCHO MARX A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke.
GROUCHO MARX And I want to thank you for all the enjoyment you've taken out of it.
GROUCHO MARX Remember, we're fighting for this woman's honor, which is probably far more than she's ever done!
GROUCHO MARX Hey, when I said work fast, I didn't mean your friend, I meant the maid.
GROUCHO MARX Marriage is a wonderful institution...but who wants to live in an institution?
GROUCHO MARX I have nothing but confidence in you, and very little of that
GROUCHO MARX A man's only as old as the woman he feels.
GROUCHO MARX Blood's not thicker than money
GROUCHO MARX I didn't like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions - the curtain was up.
GROUCHO MARX Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!
GROUCHO MARX The only real laughter comes from despair.
GROUCHO MARX Q: What do you get when you cross an insomniac, an agnostic, and a dyslexic?
A: Someone who stay...
GROUCHO MARX Either this man is dead or my watch has stopped.
GROUCHO MARX Outside of a dog, a man's best friend is a book. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.
GROUCHO MARX Why a four-year-old child could understand this report. Run out and find me a four-year-old child. I...
GROUCHO MARX I cannot say that I do not disagree with you
GROUCHO MARX Years ago, I tried to top everybody, but I don't anymore, I realized it was killing conversation. Wh...
GROUCHO MARX Remember men, we're fighting for this woman's honor; which is probably more than she ever did.
GROUCHO MARX I won't belong to any organization that would have me as a member
GROUCHO MARX Did I ever tell you how I shot a wild elephant in my pyjamas? How he got into my pyjamas I'll never ...
GROUCHO MARX