If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

I never fail. It's just that the people around me succeed more than I.

I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.

If it’s zero degrees outside today and it’s supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.