It ain't those parts of the Bible that I can't understand that bother me, it is the parts that I do understand.


Mark Twain

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It ain't those parts of the Bible that I can't understand that bother me, it is the parts that I do ...
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I believe that in this world it is impossible to understand God.
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No real gentleman will tell the naked truth in the presence of ladies.
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When you ascend the hill of prosperity, may you not meet a friend.
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In statesmanship get the formalities right, never mind about the moralities.
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Fleas can be taught nearly anything that a Congressman can.
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His money is twice tainted: taint yours and taint mine.
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Soap and education are not as sudden as a massacre, but they are more deadly in the long run. Traini...
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We have a criminal jury system which is superior to any in the world; and its efficiency is only m...
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There are many scapegoats for our sins, but the most popular is providence.
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One of the most striking differences between a cat and a lie is that a cat has only nine lives.
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A wise man does not waste so good a commodity as lying for naught.
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A lie can run around the world six times while the truth is still trying to put on its pants.
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The public is the only critic whose opinion is worth anything at all.
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Suppose you were an idiot and suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself
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When I was a boy of fourteen, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man aro...
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Faith is believing what you know ain't so.
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It was the schoolboy who said, Faith is believing what you know ain't so.
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Never let formal education get in the way of your learning.
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I've never let my school interfere with my education.
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In a good bookroom you feel in some mysterious way that you are absorbing the wisdom contained in al...
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Whenever you find yourself on the side of the majority, it is time to reform (or pause and reflect).
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If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous he will not bite you. This is the principal di...
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A person that started in to carry a cat home by the tail was getting knowledge that was always going...
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Of all God's creatures, there is only one that cannot be made slave of the leash. That one is the ca...
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If animals could speak, the dog would be a blundering outspoken fellow; but the cat would have the r...
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The Bible has noble poetry in it... and some good morals and a wealth of obscenity, and upwards of a...
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The two most important days in your life are the day you are born and the day you find out why.
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Keep away from people who try to belittle your ambitions. Small people always do that, but the reall...
MARK TWAIN
If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.
MARK TWAIN
′Classic′ - a book which people praise and don't read.
MARK TWAIN
Sanity and happiness are an impossible combination.
MARK TWAIN
I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.
MARK TWAIN
The man who does not read has no advantage over the man who cannot read.
MARK TWAIN
Truth is stranger than fiction, but it is because Fiction is obliged to stick to possibilities; Trut...
MARK TWAIN
Never tell the truth to people who are not worthy of it.
MARK TWAIN
A lie can travel half way around the world while the truth is putting on its shoes.
MARK TWAIN
All right, then, I'll go to hell.
MARK TWAIN
The dog is a gentleman; I hope to go to his heaven not man's.
MARK TWAIN
Heaven goes by favor. If it went by merit, you would stay out and your dog would go in.
MARK TWAIN
If Christ were here there is one thing he would not be—a Christian.
MARK TWAIN
To get the full value of joy you must have someone to divide it with.
MARK TWAIN
Grief can take care of itself, but to get the full value of joy you must have somebody to divide it ...
MARK TWAIN
Everyone is a moon, and has a dark side which he never shows to anybody.
MARK TWAIN
Education: the path from cocky ignorance to miserable uncertainty.
MARK TWAIN
Forgiveness is the fragrance that the violet sheds on the heel that has crushed it.
MARK TWAIN
I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didn’t know.
MARK TWAIN
If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
MARK TWAIN