It's very dangerous to wave to people you don't know because what if they don't have hands? They'll think you're cocky.

Onions make me sad, a lot of people don't realize that. When I'm cutting onions, I'm sad. Because the plight of onions, it's sad. But people don't realize I'm actually crying - they think I'm just reacting.

You can't please all the people all the time, and last night all those people were at my show.

Bologna is a deli meat for people with eyes.

People teach their dogs to sit, it's a trick. I've been sitting my whole life, and a dog has never looked at me as though he thought I was tricky.

It's weird... people say they're not like apes. Now how do you explain football then?