Onions make me sad, a lot of people don't realize that. When I'm cutting onions, I'm sad. Because the plight of onions, it's sad. But people don't realize I'm actually crying - they think I'm just reacting.
Mitch Hedberg
Related Sad and lonely cannot be the same, Not if im sad in you're little crowd. LAWRENCE P. LE BLANC i know im not the girl you wanted. not the one you want to hear from. but what you see is what you g... SIMI GREWAL dont read my diary when im gone, ok im going to work now , when you wake up please read my diary, lo... KURT COBAIN All that I have done will be remembered when I am all said and done. TRUMAINE M. PRESSLEY Im okay Im okay now. But you really need to listen to me 'cause im telling you the trut... GERARD WAY I'm baking an apple pie tonight, and I dont care Mr.Carb.. Im eating it at 10pm with ice cream,. Tak... NERISSA IRVING I dont really think its all that settled yet, ... Weve got a good group of guys, though. Im sure eve... AARON KATZ Im A Good Friend, But Im A Better Enemy. DONALD C HALL Im James Bond. Im Jason Bourne. Im Super-freaking-Mario come to life. JOHN DAVID ANDERSON when im mad i usually punch a wall but that doesnt work so when your mad you dont need to punch a wa... DALLY SALAD We dont know what were going to go home to, ... If we dont have anything anymore, Im not sure I want... IAN WILLIAMSON Dont strew me with roses after Im dead. When Death claims the light of my brow,No flowers of life wi... THOMAS F. HEALEY My doctor said I dont use the same side of the brain everyone else uses. lol.. Im insane laawwwwdd .... NERISSA IRVING sometimes the whole internet and world also seems the whole piece of mud,
and it kills me...
but i d... SVETLANA SHCHEDRINA | LUCKYOPTIMIST I realize im black, but id like to be viewed as a person, and that is everybodys wish. MICHAEL JORDAN Freiheit ist etwas Maßloses. Im Guten wie im Schlechten. CARSTEN K. RATH Im going to Invest in a Turtle shell so i dont have to Watch MY Back. add ME to the Ninja Turtles Li... KALUM JOHNSON (KDOG) Never felt lyk im alone bcoz my soul always follows me dats wat make me feel im not alone & I"ll nev... RAKSHAN BHANDARY (Homer:) Check it out, Erin shaved my head.
(Marge:) You are bald!
(Homer:) Noooo.. Im young person ... HOMER SIMPSON Whenever the press quits abusing me I know Im in the wrong pew. I dont mind it because when they thr... HARRY S TRUMAN i dont like when people say you know when they are in the middle of telling you something to me it g... DALLY SALAD IT departments have spent a lot of money on security. They've hardened the castle walls but left the... ART GILLILAND The benefits of IM are undeniable for businesses, yet the security risks and challenges are paramoun... CHRIS SHIPLEY You'll never find another like me because im the original. RACHEL W Think about visual IM (instant messaging). RON GARRIQUES Don't run away. Im not running away. Im already gone. -Lena and Ethan KAMI GARCIA when i meet someone new they tell me that im crazy or that i need personal and that im the weirdest ... DALLY SALAD YOU. ARE. PERFECT. You are. Im talking to YOU. and dont you dare think otherwise...embrace the entit... KAIDEN BLAKE Im still runnin against the wind Well Im older now and still Against the wind BOB SEGER We do not have federated IM. We firmly believe you need a separate channel from any public IM system... BOB SHIMP Im in the state of Imbroglio NOBLE DA GENIUS Im very nurturing. TAMARA ECCLESTONE I need you here with me we look for our love but we dont find it im searching and searching, I reall... SELENA GóMEZ Today's college graduates take IM in the office for granted. If you protect your email systems but i... ED GOLOD When you take your step your dream comes true,you see the sky with fluffy clouds you take your breat... SELENA GóMEZ Im not a politician and my other habits are good. Ive no enemys to reward, nor friends to sponge. Bu... ARTEMUS WARD Okay. JOHN GREEN Today a dollar will be like a cent to us because its from our parents but im sure tomorrow when u st... HARSHVINRAJ SINGH Im not looking for perfection, just perfect flaws. KIERRA C.T. BANKS have i gone mad? im afraid so, but let me tell you something, the best people usualy are. LEWIS CARROLL Im trending therefore I am. EDWARD SQUIRE the sentence im reading is terrific ... J.D. SALINGER Im 5 ft 1 ½. That bonus ½ is just as important because every little bit matters JANNA CACHOLA Caramelized onions are rich and sweet. They don't have the bite that raw onions have. IRVING SMITH Im a fountain of blood. In the shape of a girl BJORK i'd rather people hate me for who i am then have them like me for who im not KURT COBAIN Im not your biggest girly girl. MAGGIE SIFF Im still betting on you. - Cinna. SUZANNE COLLINS We've felt for sometime that IM is next big wave. If you claim to offer a total messaging solution, ... CHRIS CHRISTIANSEN try and kick me while im down ill break ur leg LIL WAYNE Today my mouth is bigger than my heart.
Sorry seems to be the hardest word.
But, I'm sorry. I Love Y... FEMALE IMAGINATION I like being full of mystery and wonder, people always know im up to something but never know exactl... NIKKI ROWE i's in my writing are never capitalized because in the story of my life im just the supporting chara... IJIRASHIIJACK the difference between me and everyone else is....i know im crazi NICK HILL I mumble a lot when im off stage, so a lot of times when im with a friend i'll say something and he'... MITCH HEDBERG You can turn off the sun, but im still ganna shine! JASON MRAZ im still waiting
for that kiss when
my leg
[(P o p s)]* MEGAN Yes Im young,We Belong,Love Is Sung,By the peaceful Song...Listen Please, You'll fall to your knees,... NOT YER TYPICAL DORK The issue of IM is that it's being used on the public networks. IM is subject to all the same proble... ANDREW LOCHART Im a trackstar running thru life, chasing my dream. 50 CENT Life is Like a Piano,, and Im Playing Beethoven... KALUM JOHNSON (KDOG) Im a soulless lawyer. Give me any opinion and I can argue it. MEGYN KELLY Im on a roller coaster that only goes up my friend. JOHN GREEN Im finally glad to see this move forward, JIM RICE Thank god im not too cool for the safebelt. KANYE WEST Beware the Asian Bear!! MICHAEL IM Im going to use you and abuse you a distortion of the truth! THOMAS WALLACE SCHERZER Im looking for a girl who's fun to be around. ROSS LYNCH There is no longer any excuse for not adopting corporate IM. But businesses should establish policie... TOM EID revolver under my bed as im pouring liquor out NOBLE DA GENIUS One, two, three, Im gon be crazy and free. NICK im the one who has to die when its time for me to die. so let me live my life the way i want to LIL WAYNE "yes i own a whaler boat, it slides across the sea some folks say im a part of it i know its part of... JIMMY BUFFETT Opinions are like onions. They spell similarly, usually have many layers, and tend to make people cr... CAITLYN PAIGE Hackers have discovered IM; it's the new playground for them. ANDREW LOCHART Im for rules but when rules conflicts humanity i will stand against it at all cost MICHAEL STRONG Im proud that Im a politician. A politician is a man who understands government, and it takes a poli... HARRY S TRUMAN you really think im happy what just because i smile haha thats a joke is the devil good just because... AMBER FAITH HUN I over analyze situations because Im scared of what may happen if I'm not prepared for it. TURCOIS OMINEK Expect me nigga like you'd expect jesus to come back expect me nigga im coming. TUPAC SHAKUR Hail! Thou as victor crowned.
[Ger., Heil dir im Siegerkranz.] B.G. SCHUMACHER Gerechtigkeit gibt es in der Hölle. Im Himmel herrscht Gnade. JULI ZEH Im waiting, for what, my kind of people, what kind is that, i can tell my kind of people by their fa... AYN RAND IM is inherently new to a lot of people, ... There is big gap between regular users and those who fe... FRANCIS COSTELLO To me, onions are the metaphor for kitchen drudgery. Cutting them is hard to do well, and they fight... MICHAEL POLLAN Cool,” I said. “You can IM with the Council from campus. Maybe you can command people to do your... RICHELLE MEAD It's Tommy this, and Tommy that, and 'chuck 'im out, the brute,' But it's 'Savior of his Country,' W... RUDYARD KIPLING Onions can make ev'n Heirs and Widows weep BENJAMIN FRANKLIN Im like Captain America.... accept with a better body, smarter and 2 deployments... NATHAN ELMO MELO Im hoping that shell talk after the ride about her experiences and the foundation a bit. GABRIELLE MURPHY They're fake bullets, so why do I feel like Im bleeding out? JODI PICOULT Im Holding onto What i Hope Will Keep You by My side DALLAS GREEN Wenn die Einwände im Vordergrund stehen, rücken die Ideen in den Hintergrund. CARSTEN K. RATH For it's Tommy this, an' Tommy that, an' "Chuck 'im out, the brute!" But it's "Savior of 'is country... RUDYARD KIPLING They say such nice things about people at their funerals that it makes me sad to realize I'm going t... GARRISON KEILLOR We wanted to take it off the menu, but people come from far away just for the liver and onions. COLLEEN CLEARY aliens are living on earth for along time,for those who think im talking about another race youre wr... RAJA Some days i wake up ready to take one huge risk, push myself past the limits of my mind and body, bu... AMIR RIVEROLL They say such nice things about people at their funerals that it makes me sad to realize that I'm go... GARRISON KEILLOR »Das Prinzip Moral verstehe ich nicht.« »Das überrascht mich nicht im geringsten.« CHRISTOPHER MOORE
More Mitch Hedberg
I used to be a hot-tar roofer. Yeah, I remember that... day. MITCH HEDBERG Dogs are forever in the push up postion. MITCH HEDBERG I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long. MITCH HEDBERG I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way to literal for me. MITCH HEDBERG I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was proli... MITCH HEDBERG If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be messed-up. MITCH HEDBERG I remixed a remix, it was back to normal. MITCH HEDBERG I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I'm upside down. MITCH HEDBERG People teach their dogs to sit; it's a trick. I've been sitting my whole life, and a dog has... MITCH HEDBERG This shirt is dry clean only. Which means... it's dirty. MITCH HEDBERG When someone hands you a flyer, it's like they're saying here you throw this away. MITCH HEDBERG All these jokes have been pre-approved as funny by me. MITCH HEDBERG I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that b... MITCH HEDBERG The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a w... MITCH HEDBERG Do you think I am standing here, making this up as I go? I am sorry to disillusion you. I am not Rob... MITCH HEDBERG Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something. MITCH HEDBERG A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap. MITCH HEDBERG My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said 'No, but I want a regular banana later, s... MITCH HEDBERG I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, 'You're g... MITCH HEDBERG I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle. MITCH HEDBERG My sister wanted to be an actress. She never made it, but she does live in a trailer... so she got h... MITCH HEDBERG My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said 'No, but I want a regular banana later, so...... MITCH HEDBERG Alcoholism is a disease, but it's the only one you can get yelled at for having. Goddamn it Otto, yo... MITCH HEDBERG I use the word totally too much. I need to change it up and use a word that is different but has the... MITCH HEDBERG I got into an argument with a girlfriend inside of a tent. That's a bad place for an argument, becau... MITCH HEDBERG I bought a doughnut and they gave me a receipt for the doughtnut... I don't need a receipt for the d... MITCH HEDBERG I mumble a lot off-stage, I'm a mumbler. If I'm walking with a friend and I say something, he won't ... MITCH HEDBERG I want to be a race car passenger: just a guy who bugs the driver. Say man, can I turn on the radio?... MITCH HEDBERG Sometimes I wake up and I think I should start wearing a beret, but I don't do it. One day I'm gonna... MITCH HEDBERG I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that. MITCH HEDBERG Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults. MITCH HEDBERG I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-ci... MITCH HEDBERG I'm a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone's life. MITCH HEDBERG My sister wanted to be an actress, but she never made it. She does live in a trailer. She got halfwa... MITCH HEDBERG I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. Th... MITCH HEDBERG It's very dangerous to wave to people you don't know because what if they don't have han... MITCH HEDBERG I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake. MITCH HEDBERG Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus, or just a really cool Opotamus? MITCH HEDBERG I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that. MITCH HEDBERG My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them. MITCH HEDBERG I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're goin', and... MITCH HEDBERG An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an Escalator Temporari... MITCH HEDBERG I would imagine that if you could understand Morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy. MITCH HEDBERG You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don't... MITCH HEDBERG I'd like to get four people who do cart wheels very good, and make a cart. MITCH HEDBERG It's weird... people say they're not like apes. Now how do you explain football then? MITCH HEDBERG I like refried beans. That's why I wanna try fried beans, because maybe they're just as good... MITCH HEDBERG Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a... MITCH HEDBERG My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. I don't really know what's ha... MITCH HEDBERG I was walking down the street with my friend and he said 'I hear music,' as though there's any other... MITCH HEDBERG Sometimes I wave to people I don't know. It's very dangerous to wave to someone you don't know, beca... MITCH HEDBERG I like vending machines, because snacks are better when they fall. If I buy a candy bar at the store... MITCH HEDBERG Some people are like Slinkies - not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile whe... MITCH HEDBERG Bologna is a deli meat for people with eyes. MITCH HEDBERG I went to see a band in New York. The lead singer got on the microphone, and he said How many of you... MITCH HEDBERG I wrote a letter to my dad, I was going to write 'I really enjoyed being here', but I accidentally w... MITCH HEDBERG I wrote my friend a letter using a highlighting pen. But he could not read it, he thought I was tryi... MITCH HEDBERG Last week I helped my friend stay put. It's a lot easier than helping someone move. I just went over... MITCH HEDBERG I want to get a job as someone who names kitchen appliances. Toaster, refrigerator, blender.... all ... MITCH HEDBERG I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with the... MITCH HEDBERG I like an escalator because an escalator can never break, it can only become stairs. There would nev... MITCH HEDBERG You know, you can't please all the people all the time... and last night, all those people were at m... MITCH HEDBERG With a stop light, green means 'go' and yellow means 'slow down'. With a banana, however, it is quit... MITCH HEDBERG The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall. MITCH HEDBERG I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it. MITCH HEDBERG I wanna hang a map of the world in my house. Then I'm gonna put pins into all the locations that I'v... MITCH HEDBERG I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling, I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle. MITCH HEDBERG I like rice. Rice is great if you're hungry and want 2000 of something. MITCH HEDBERG I know a lot about cars. I can look at a car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming... MITCH HEDBERG I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long. MITCH HEDBERG I don't own a cell phone or a pager. I just hang around everyone I know, all the time. If someone wa... MITCH HEDBERG Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna... MITCH HEDBERG I was walking down the street with my friend and he said, "I hear music", as if there is any other w... MITCH HEDBERG Here's a thought for sweat shop owners: Air Conditioning. Problem solved. MITCH HEDBERG I got in an argument with a girlfriend inside of a tent. That's a bad place for an argument, because... MITCH HEDBERG If I had nine of my fingers missing I wouldn't type any slower. MITCH HEDBERG I think Pringles initial intention was to make tennis balls. But on the day that the rubber was supp... MITCH HEDBERG A severed foot is the perfect stocking stuffer. MITCH HEDBERG I got so much tarter i dont gotta dip my fishsticks in shit! MITCH HEDBERG At my hotel room, my friend came over and asked to use the phone. I said Certainly. He said Do I nee... MITCH HEDBERG I saw a human pyramid once. It was very unnecessary. It did not need to exist. MITCH HEDBERG My roommate says, I'm going to take a shower and shave, does anyone need to use the bathroom? It's l... MITCH HEDBERG You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don't wan... MITCH HEDBERG I got an ant farm. Them fellas didn't grow sh*t. MITCH HEDBERG I wish I could play little league now. I'd be way better than before. MITCH HEDBERG Y'know, you can't please all the people all the time... and last night, all those people wer... MITCH HEDBERG My roommate said, 'I need to shave and use the shower. Does anyone need to use the bathroom?' It's l... MITCH HEDBERG I think Pringles' initial intention was to make tennis balls. But on the day that the rubber was sup... MITCH HEDBERG I want to hang a map of the world in my house, and then I'm gonna put pins into all the locations th... MITCH HEDBERG I like to hold the microphone cord like this, I pinch it together, then I let it go, then you hear a... MITCH HEDBERG I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying g... MITCH HEDBERG If my kid couldn't draw I'd make sure that my kitchen magnets didn't work. MITCH HEDBERG A guy told me he liked cherries. I waited to see if he was going to say 'tomato' before I realized h... MITCH HEDBERG Say, I was on The Craig Kilbourne Show and the next day I flew to Minneapolis. I was at the airport ... MITCH HEDBERG Y'know I order a club sandwhich all the time. And I'm not even a member. I don't know how I get away... MITCH HEDBERG ...and then at the end of the letter I like to write P.S. - this is what part of the alphabet would ... MITCH HEDBERG Kinko's is my favourite copy place cause it's open 24 hours, like if it's three in the morning, and ... MITCH HEDBERG I wrote a script for a guy, and he said he liked it but he thought that I need to rewrite it. I said... MITCH HEDBERG My friend was walking down the street and he said, I hear music. As if there is any other way of tak... MITCH HEDBERG I drank some boiling water... because I wanted to whistle. MITCH HEDBERG I've always wanted to have a suitcase handcuffed to my wrist. MITCH HEDBERG “S*** or get off the pot.” MITCH HEDBERG Sometimes I make some money doin' comedy. I made $3000 opening for the Neville Brothers, and they pa... MITCH HEDBERG You can't please all the people all the time, and last night all those people were at my show. MITCH HEDBERG I had a job interview at an insurance company once and the lady said "Where do you see yourself in f... MITCH HEDBERG I wish I could play little league now. I'd be way better than before. MITCH HEDBERG I hate turkeys. If you stand in the meat section at the grocery store long enough, you start to get ... MITCH HEDBERG I bought a seven dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring. MITCH HEDBERG If you boat a lot, you're known as a boating enthusiast. I like to boat, but I just don't want to ev... MITCH HEDBERG I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way ... MITCH HEDBERG I went to the store to bye a candle holder. They didn't have one so I got a cake. MITCH HEDBERG Swiss Cheese is a rip-off! It's the only cheese I can bite into and miss! MITCH HEDBERG There are six ducks out here, and they all want Sun Chips! MITCH HEDBERG This shirt is dry clean only. Which means...it's dirty. MITCH HEDBERG Pickles are cucumbers that sold out. MITCH HEDBERG Why are there no during pictures. MITCH HEDBERG I would imagine if you could understand Morse Code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy. MITCH HEDBERG I never joined the army because at ease was never that easy to me. Seemed rather uptight still. I do... MITCH HEDBERG I tried walking into a Target , but I missed. MITCH HEDBERG I get the Reese's candy bar, If you read it, there's an apostrophe. The candy bar is his. I didn't k... MITCH HEDBERG I had an apartment and I had a neighbor, and whenever he would knock on my wall I knew he wanted me ... MITCH HEDBERG Once I saw a duck walking down the street so I went into Subway and ordered two pieces of bread, and... MITCH HEDBERG My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. So which ones the real hero? MITCH HEDBERG A minibar is a machine that makes everything expensive. When I take something out of the minibar, I ... MITCH HEDBERG I was walking down the street at 3am, and I passed a dry cleaner. The sign in the window said -"Sorr... MITCH HEDBERG I opened-up a yogurt, underneath the lid it said, "Please try again." because they were having a con... MITCH HEDBERG You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, ... MITCH HEDBERG I had a bag of fritos, they were texas grilled fritos. These fritos had grill marks on them. They re... MITCH HEDBERG I like rice. Rice is great if you're hungry and want 2000 of something picketing, but I don't know h... MITCH HEDBERG If you had a friend who was a tightrope walker, and you were walking down a sidewalk, and he fell, t... MITCH HEDBERG An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You would never see an Escalator Temporaril... MITCH HEDBERG You should never tell someone they have a nice dimple, because maybe they were shot in the face with... MITCH HEDBERG I got a robe. It's not a robe, really, it's just a towel that fits me. MITCH HEDBERG I sick of "soup of the day" it's time we made a decision, i want to know what "soup from now on" is MITCH HEDBERG I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubbl... MITCH HEDBERG I played golf... I did not get a hole in one, but I did hit a guy. That's way more satisfying... MITCH HEDBERG I think Bigfoot is blurry - that's the problem. It's not the photographers' fault. Bigfoot is blurry... MITCH HEDBERG I got my hair highlighted because I thought some strands were more important than others. MITCH HEDBERG I have a few cavities. I don't like to call them cavities, though - I like to call them 'places to p... MITCH HEDBERG Where are all the 'during' photos? I've never seen one. MITCH HEDBERG I saw some two-dollar bills today - They were for sale for eight dollars. Something went severely wr... MITCH HEDBERG It's very dangerous to wave to people you don't know because what if they don't have hands? They'll ... MITCH HEDBERG My apartment is infested with koala bears. It's the cutest infestation ever... Way better than cockr... MITCH HEDBERG People teach their dogs to sit, it's a trick. I've been sitting my whole life, and a dog has never l... MITCH HEDBERG I love blackjack. But I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi circle. MITCH HEDBERG What's a sesame seed grow into? I don't know we never give them a chance, what the fuck is a sesame?... MITCH HEDBERG I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, "You're gonna hav... MITCH HEDBERG Mr. Pibb is a poor imitation of Dr. Pepper. Dude didn't even get his degree. MITCH HEDBERG I used to do drugs. I still do drugs. But I used to, too. MITCH HEDBERG On a traffic light green means go and yellow means yield, but on a banana it's just the opposite. Gr... MITCH HEDBERG It's hard to dance if you just lost your wallet. Whoa! Where's my wallet? But, hey this song is funk... MITCH HEDBERG I mumble a lot when im off stage, so a lot of times when im with a friend i'll say something and he'... MITCH HEDBERG One time a guy handed me a picture. He said, 'Here's a picture of me when I was younger.' Every pict... MITCH HEDBERG That would be cool if you could eat a good food with a bad food and the good food would cover for th... MITCH HEDBERG I have an underwater camera just in case I crash my car into a river, and at the last minute I see a... MITCH HEDBERG COME ON YOU'RE FROM THE SOUTH YOU UNDERSTAND, I MEAN I'M IN THE STH I WANT SOME SP MITCH HEDBERG I think that they should call a cheese grater by its real name...a sponge ruiner. MITCH HEDBERG Because of Acid, I now know that butter is way better than margarine. MITCH HEDBERG I was walking by a drycleaner at 3a.m. and there was a sign that said Sorry, we're closed. You don't... MITCH HEDBERG 2-in-1 is a bullshit term, because 1 is not big enough to hold 2. That's why 2 was created. MITCH HEDBERG I saw a product on late night tv. It said, you can water your hard-to-reach plants with this product... MITCH HEDBERG I think fooseball is a combination of soccer and shishkabobs. MITCH HEDBERG I went to the park and saw this kid flying a kite. The kid was really excited. I don't know why, tha... MITCH HEDBERG My friend said to me, You know what I like? Mashed potatoes. I was like, Dude, you have to give me t... MITCH HEDBERG I saw a human pyramid once. It was very unnecessary. MITCH HEDBERG I bought a seven-dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring. MITCH HEDBERG I can whistle with my fingers, especially if I have a whistle. MITCH HEDBERG Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I... MITCH HEDBERG Spaghetti... I can't eat spaghetti, there's too many of them. No matter how hungry I am, 1,0... MITCH HEDBERG A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer. MITCH HEDBERG I find that a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced over whether or not I have bread. MITCH HEDBERG the best plan is changeable MITCH They're all really little boys. We get these guys who control business kingdoms and make people shak... CATHARINA HEDBERG On Thursday I found him in his room in the fetal position. CATHARINA HEDBERG She is definitely an offensive threat. If she can get her feet set, she can be deadly. WENDY HEDBERG No one's star-struck here. You puke right next to the best of them. CATHARINA HEDBERG Both Whitney and Amy are what is neat about this team. They are not selfish. It is not all about sco... WENDY HEDBERG Alisa's been playing great, just unbelievable. Her shooting percentage is one of the tops in the con... WENDY HEDBERG People in the industry foresee a time in which, for many people, the only thing they'll need on ... MITCH KAPOR When business leaders ask me what they can do for Indiana, I always reply: 'Make money. Go make ... MITCH DANIELS I think we need to respect the wishes of voters. They have been busily at work making these decision... MITCH MCCONNELL I give Bill Gates an A for vision because, as a business person and a strategist, he's brilliant... MITCH KAPOR We did the two-year extension of Bush tax cuts in 2010. We negotiated the Budget Control Act in Augu... MITCH MCCONNELL The border is way more porous than it should be, and I think we'd be open to discussing anything... MITCH MCCONNELL My funeral," the Blue Man said. "Look at the mourners. Some did not even know me well, yet they came... MITCH ALBOM We're living under the Obama economy. Any CEO in America with a record like this after three yea... MITCH MCCONNELL People come down for baseball or football or hockey and drive by the refurbished Fox and State theat... MITCH ALBOM If you're always battling against getting older, you're always going to be unhappy, because it's goi... MITCH ALBOM My jaw dropped, ... I felt shame that I had to find out over the television, then felt sorrow and a ... MITCH ALBOM Since everyone was going to die, he could be of great value, right? ... He could be research. A huma... MITCH ALBOM You're not a wave, you're a part of the ocean. MITCH ALBOM A computer lets you make more mistakes faster than any other invention with the possible exceptions ... MITCH RATCLIFFE Learn this from me. Holding anger is a poison. It eats you from inside. We think that hating is a we... MITCH ALBOM You can’t substitute material things for love or for gentleness or for tenderness or for a sense o... MITCH ALBOM Now you know how badly someone wanted you, Charley. Children forget that sometimes. They think of th... MITCH ALBOM Faith is about doing. You are how you act, not just how you believe. MITCH ALBOM You see, you closed your eyes. That was the difference. Sometimes you cannot believe what you see, y... MITCH ALBOM But she wasn’t around, and that’s the thing when your parents die, you feel like instead of goin... MITCH ALBOM I drive a beat-up Mercury Cougar, with the windows down and the music up. I seek my identity in toug... MITCH ALBOM So many people walk around with a meaningless life. They seem half-asleep, even when they're busy do... MITCH ALBOM