Onions make me sad, a lot of people don't realize that. When I'm cutting onions, I'm sad. Because the plight of onions, it's sad. But people don't realize I'm actually crying - they think I'm just reacting.


Mitch Hedberg

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I have an underwater camera just in case I crash my car into a river, and at the last minute I see a...
MITCH HEDBERG
COME ON YOU'RE FROM THE SOUTH YOU UNDERSTAND, I MEAN I'M IN THE STH I WANT SOME SP
MITCH HEDBERG
I think that they should call a cheese grater by its real name...a sponge ruiner.
MITCH HEDBERG
Because of Acid, I now know that butter is way better than margarine.
MITCH HEDBERG
I was walking by a drycleaner at 3a.m. and there was a sign that said Sorry, we're closed. You don't...
MITCH HEDBERG
2-in-1 is a bullshit term, because 1 is not big enough to hold 2. That's why 2 was created.
MITCH HEDBERG
I saw a product on late night tv. It said, you can water your hard-to-reach plants with this product...
MITCH HEDBERG
I think fooseball is a combination of soccer and shishkabobs.
MITCH HEDBERG
I went to the park and saw this kid flying a kite. The kid was really excited. I don't know why, tha...
MITCH HEDBERG
My friend said to me, You know what I like? Mashed potatoes. I was like, Dude, you have to give me t...
MITCH HEDBERG
I saw a human pyramid once. It was very unnecessary.
MITCH HEDBERG
I bought a seven-dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring.
MITCH HEDBERG
I can whistle with my fingers, especially if I have a whistle.
MITCH HEDBERG
Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I...
MITCH HEDBERG
Spaghetti... I can't eat spaghetti, there's too many of them. No matter how hungry I am, 1,0...
MITCH HEDBERG
A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.
MITCH HEDBERG
I find that a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced over whether or not I have bread.
MITCH HEDBERG
the best plan is changeable
MITCH
They're all really little boys. We get these guys who control business kingdoms and make people shak...
CATHARINA HEDBERG
On Thursday I found him in his room in the fetal position.
CATHARINA HEDBERG
She is definitely an offensive threat. If she can get her feet set, she can be deadly.
WENDY HEDBERG
No one's star-struck here. You puke right next to the best of them.
CATHARINA HEDBERG
Both Whitney and Amy are what is neat about this team. They are not selfish. It is not all about sco...
WENDY HEDBERG
Alisa's been playing great, just unbelievable. Her shooting percentage is one of the tops in the con...
WENDY HEDBERG
People in the industry foresee a time in which, for many people, the only thing they'll need on ...
MITCH KAPOR
When business leaders ask me what they can do for Indiana, I always reply: 'Make money. Go make ...
MITCH DANIELS
I think we need to respect the wishes of voters. They have been busily at work making these decision...
MITCH MCCONNELL
I give Bill Gates an A for vision because, as a business person and a strategist, he's brilliant...
MITCH KAPOR
We did the two-year extension of Bush tax cuts in 2010. We negotiated the Budget Control Act in Augu...
MITCH MCCONNELL
The border is way more porous than it should be, and I think we'd be open to discussing anything...
MITCH MCCONNELL
My funeral," the Blue Man said. "Look at the mourners. Some did not even know me well, yet they came...
MITCH ALBOM
We're living under the Obama economy. Any CEO in America with a record like this after three yea...
MITCH MCCONNELL
People come down for baseball or football or hockey and drive by the refurbished Fox and State theat...
MITCH ALBOM
If you're always battling against getting older, you're always going to be unhappy, because it's goi...
MITCH ALBOM
My jaw dropped, ... I felt shame that I had to find out over the television, then felt sorrow and a ...
MITCH ALBOM
Since everyone was going to die, he could be of great value, right? ... He could be research. A huma...
MITCH ALBOM
You're not a wave, you're a part of the ocean.
MITCH ALBOM
A computer lets you make more mistakes faster than any other invention with the possible exceptions ...
MITCH RATCLIFFE
Learn this from me. Holding anger is a poison. It eats you from inside. We think that hating is a we...
MITCH ALBOM
You can’t substitute material things for love or for gentleness or for tenderness or for a sense o...
MITCH ALBOM
Now you know how badly someone wanted you, Charley. Children forget that sometimes. They think of th...
MITCH ALBOM
Faith is about doing. You are how you act, not just how you believe.
MITCH ALBOM
You see, you closed your eyes. That was the difference. Sometimes you cannot believe what you see, y...
MITCH ALBOM
But she wasn’t around, and that’s the thing when your parents die, you feel like instead of goin...
MITCH ALBOM
I drive a beat-up Mercury Cougar, with the windows down and the music up. I seek my identity in toug...
MITCH ALBOM
So many people walk around with a meaningless life. They seem half-asleep, even when they're busy do...
MITCH ALBOM