It's weird... people say they're not like apes. Now how do you explain football then?

Onions make me sad, a lot of people don't realize that. When I'm cutting onions, I'm sad. Because the plight of onions, it's sad. But people don't realize I'm actually crying - they think I'm just reacting.

It's very dangerous to wave to people you don't know because what if they don't have hands? They'll think you're cocky.

I like to hold the microphone cord like this, I pinch it together, then I let it go, then you hear a whole bunch of jokes at once.

I'd like to get four people who do cart wheels very good, and make a cart.

You can't please all the people all the time, and last night all those people were at my show.