I like to hold the microphone cord like this, I pinch it together, then I let it go, then you hear a whole bunch of jokes at once.

All these jokes have been pre-approved as funny by me.

It's weird... people say they're not like apes. Now how do you explain football then?

You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don't want to eat the fish, they just want to make it late for something.

2-in-1 is a bullshit term, because 1 is not big enough to hold 2. That's why 2 was created.

My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. So which ones the real hero?