Lead your life so you wouldn't be ashamed to sell the family parrot to the town gossip.

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.

Even if you are on the right track, you’ll get run over if you just sit there.

I don't know what humor is. Anything that's funny -- tragedy or anything, it don't make no difference so [long as] you happen to hit it just right. But there's one thing I'm proud of -- I ain't got it in for anybody. I don't like to make jokes that hurt anybody.

I never lack material for my humor column when Congress is in session.

My own mother died when I was 10 years old. My folks have told me that what little humor I have comes from her. I can't remember her humor, but I can remember her love and understanding of me. Of course, the mother I know the most about is the mother of our little group. She has been for 22 years trying to raise to maturity four children, three by birth and one by marriage. While she hasn't done a good job, the poor soul has done all that mortal human could do with the material she had to work with.