Regarding the fitness craze: America has lost its soul; now it's trying to save its body.

In America, anyone can become president. That's the problem.

That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.

When you're born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you're born in America, you get a front row seat.

I didn't wash today. I wasn't dirty. If I'm not dirty, I don't wash. Some weeks I don't have to shower at all. I just groom my three basic areas: teeth, hair, and asshole. And to save time, I use the same brush.

It is said that Indians were sometimes named for the first thing they saw when they were born. Makes you wonder why there aren't more Indians named Hairy Pussy, doesn't it?