The man who invented the zip fastener was today honoured with a lifetime peerage. He'll now be known as the Lord of the Flies.

There was a strange happening during a performance of Elgar's 'Sea Pictures' at a concert hall in Bermuda tonight, when the man playing the triangle disappeared.

Many old music hall fans were present at the funeral today of Fred 'Chuckles' Jenkins, Britain's oldest and unfunniest comedian. In tribute, the vicar read out one of Fred's jokes, and the congregation had two minutes silence.

But first, the news: The House of Commons was sealed off today after police chased an escaped lunatic through the front door during Prime Minister's question time. A spokesman at Scotland Yard said it was like looking for a needle in a haystack.

The toilets at a local police station have been stolen. Police say they have nothing to go on.

The marvelous thing about a joke with a double meaning is that it can only mean one thing.