The toilets at a local police station have been stolen. Police say they have nothing to go on.

But first, the news: The House of Commons was sealed off today after police chased an escaped lunatic through the front door during Prime Minister's question time. A spokesman at Scotland Yard said it was like looking for a needle in a haystack.

We had hoped to have been bringing you Arthur the Human Chameleon, but this afternoon, he crawled across a tartan rug and died of exhaustion.

I have been trapped in some posh toilets, including those in Windsor Castle and Buckingham Palace, and at Victor Spinetti's memorial at St. Paul's Covent Garden, I got locked in the loo.

Many old music hall fans were present at the funeral today of Fred 'Chuckles' Jenkins, Britain's oldest and unfunniest comedian. In tribute, the vicar read out one of Fred's jokes, and the congregation had two minutes silence.

The marvelous thing about a joke with a double meaning is that it can only mean one thing.