We have reason to believe that man first walked upright to free his hands for masturbation.

It's my belief we developed language because of our deep inner need to complain

Instead of working for the survival of the fittest, we should be working for the survival of the wittiest - then we can all die laughing.

Ninety eight percent of the adults in this country are decent, hardworking, honest Americans. It's the other lousy two percent that get all the publicity. But then, we elected them.

Yeah. If I looked as good as Jane, I would, too!

Why is it that when we talk to God we're said to be praying but when God talks to us we're schizophrenic?