FastSaying

What did the dog say after walking in the desert for hours? If I don't find a tree soon I'm gonna pee on myself.


Groucho Marx

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I was always a fan of Groucho Marx as a kid.
MICHAEL FELDMAN The world would not be in such a snarl,/ had Marx been Groucho instead of Karl.
IRVING BERLIN The world would not be in such a snarl, had Marx been Groucho instead of Karl.
IRVING BERLIN Up there with my awards, I have a great big statue of Groucho Marx, just to put everything in perspe...
JOHN LITHGOW The only real laughter comes from despair.
GROUCHO MARX I’ll put off reading Lolita for six more years until she turns 18.
GROUCHO MARX We dont know what were going to go home to, ... If we dont have anything anymore, Im not sure I want...
IAN WILLIAMSON With the Ward area in general, if you can't find a parking spot in the parking area for the center, ...
JEFF ARMSTRONG If you added it up, without her there was nothing--but with her even the simplest of gestures of wal...
JIM HARRISON If we dont error then how are we gonna know what needs to be repaired.If we dont get angry then how ...
MICHAEL STRONG I give myself 24 hours after a loss. After that, I'm totally on to the next game. But for 24 hou...
RICK PITINO I'm baking an apple pie tonight, and I dont care Mr.Carb.. Im eating it at 10pm with ice cream,. Tak...
NERISSA IRVING The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made. Life is a ...
GROUCHO MARX i dont like when people say you know when they are in the middle of telling you something to me it g...
DALLY SALAD i know im not the girl you wanted. not the one you want to hear from. but what you see is what you g...
SIMI GREWAL After church on the Sunday after Thanksgiving, my family would go chop down our Christmas tree. Once...
MOLLY O'KEEFE Some days i wake up ready to take one huge risk, push myself past the limits of my mind and body, bu...
AMIR RIVEROLL I mumble a lot when im off stage, so a lot of times when im with a friend i'll say something and he'...
MITCH HEDBERG Whenever the press quits abusing me I know Im in the wrong pew. I dont mind it because when they thr...
HARRY S TRUMAN If I were to ingest large volumes of mind altering substances for a long enough period of time would...
THOMAS WALLACE SCHERZER Throughout my life, there are four people I've met who were truly original people. The other thr...
ALICE COOPER This is a 50-pound dog looking for a job, and he's gonna find something to do.
HANK PRICE When you're in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell...
LINDA KAGE I dont have a girlfriend, I have a dog.
BLINK 182 I don't have the luxury of having a dog myself because I travel too much, but I love walking and...
INGRID NEWKIRK It's funny to me that people find other people getting coffee really interesting, or walking their d...
JAKE GYLLENHAAL I could dance with you till the cows come home. Better still, I'll dance with the cows and you come ...
GROUCHO MARX I need you here with me we look for our love but we dont find it im searching and searching, I reall...
SELENA GóMEZ If we all took a minute to reflect upon the wrong we do we would be quite surprised or shocked.Inste...
GARY F EVANS... If I had eight hours to chop down a tree, I'd spend six hours sharpening the ax.
ABRAHAM LINCOLN My films usually start with an idea that I get while walking the streets. For example, I got the ide...
BILL PLYMPTON It's a damn shame that when I finally fall in love that it had to be after I died." He dropped his h...
JANAE MITCHELL You know those pills like Viagra, well they say that if you have an erection for more than 36 hours ...
CARLOS MENCIA I find a bath meditative and usually prepare myself for the day in this manner.
TOM FORD Im going to Invest in a Turtle shell so i dont have to Watch MY Back. add ME to the Ninja Turtles Li...
KALUM JOHNSON (KDOG) He came back after a month and had blisters on his feet. He was walking six hours a day.
CHERYL MOORE Soldiers are the truly responsables for war,if they dont fight,its not gonna be the mans with a suit...
RAJA I was changing a light bulb over Groucho Marx's bed, so I took my shoes off, got on his bed and ...
ELLIOTT GOULD Well, I don't use the toilet much to pee in. I almost always pee in the yard or the garden, because ...
IGGY POP Was it animal pee or human pee? Someone asked.
How would I know? What, am I an expert in the st...
JOHN GREEN As soon as I walk outside, I get depressed. If I see a dog, I'll get upset about how much it mus...
CAZZIE DAVID You may never learn the names of any of the people you talk to in a dog park, even after many, many ...
SUSAN ORLEAN I went to my room and packed a change of clothes, got my banjo, and started walking down the road. S...
BURL IVES My doctor said I dont use the same side of the brain everyone else uses. lol.. Im insane laawwwwdd ....
NERISSA IRVING If I had eight hours to chop down a tree, I'd spend six hours sharpening my ax
ABRAHAM LINCOLN The real achievement of Woody Allen was that he was making movies that felt very personal, and for a...
NOAH BAUMBACH Well, I don't use the toilet much to pee in. I almost always pee in the yard or the garden, beca...
IGGY POP You can take a dog outside, but you can't make it pee
MICAH AMYX Jackie come to me and says, 'We gonna do a fight scene.' I said 'What?' He says 'We got to do a figh...
CHRIS TUCKER Okay.
JOHN GREEN Dont strew me with roses after Im dead. When Death claims the light of my brow,No flowers of life wi...
THOMAS F. HEALEY I put a limited time on the blues. I say, 'I allowed myself to be blue for four hours, and now I...
TERI HATCHER New Rule: Stop leaving couches on the sidewalk. Besides being lazy and ugly, it's animal cruelty. Yo...
BILL MAHER She is not a writer at all, really; she is merely a gifted eccentric.
MICHAEL CUNNINGHAM But there are still the hours, aren't there? One and then another, and you get through that one and ...
MICHAEL CUNNINGHAM I like to exhilarate the audience like Groucho Marx exhilarated me when I was a kid. Also, I enjoy d...
FRANK FERRANTE I'm gonna tell you a really great advice. If you can't say how you feel.. If you don't know how it g...
IMMEE LIRKIE They don't tell you what could happen. They don't say your dog or child could die if they went out o...
DIANNE MICHLINSKI (All the grief she had suffered over her lifetime had moulded her face into a mask of eternal sadnes...
JEAN SASSON On the one hand, I want to go off and live in the desert with my dog and sculpt things out of adobe.
TOM FORD People dont see you for what you think, they see you for what you say
SIMPLETON I did not defend myself. I say a life for a life.
RUTH ELLIS What people are really after is, what is my stance on religion or spirituality or God? And I would s...
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON Trav, if you cross us -- "
"I know. You'll get me. I'll try not to pee all over myself in terro...
RACHEL CAINE I say I dont sleep with married men, but what I mean is that I dont sleep with happily married men.
BRITT EKLAND I had no idea what I was gonna do after I got my degree in philosophy in 1940. But what I did know w...
GRACE LEE BOGGS In terms of the feeling of the piece, I cant think about what people are gonna think about it, what ...
GODFREY REGGIO Don't look now, but there's one too many in this room and I think it's you
GROUCHO MARX In the rough-and-tumble play of politics, dog-whistle messages are copiously dispatched over the hea...
ERIK PEVERNAGIE We feel like it's gonna be a good transition for everybody involved. I didn't see myself going anywh...
ANDY HALLMAN I searched for something witty to say, settled for bare honesty. "I want to pee.
LILI ST. CROW when im mad i usually punch a wall but that doesnt work so when your mad you dont need to punch a wa...
DALLY SALAD Victory, is like a boxer that hangs his gloves, after the consecutive losses; sometimes walking away...
ANTHONY LICCIONE If I ever get a female dog, I'm gonna name it Karma, cause boy, she's a bitch.
C N I have often asked myself, "What did the Easter Islander who cut down the last palm tree say while h...
JARED DIAMOND But what I wanted back had never really been there. He was a temporary illusion, a mirage of water a...
DEB CALETTI For years I played the what-if game. Maybe you're acquainted with this pastime. The rules are simple...
CRAIG GROESCHEL I decide to release myself the only way I can imagine: I pee my pants.
PHIL TORCIVIA Dont GiVe UP iF U StIll WaNna TrY*
DonT WIpE YOUR TeARS IF YOU StiLL WANT TO Cry
 DON'T SET...
TRENT REZNOR If I can somehow focus on the pain of not focusing on my pain, I will soon find that pain healed sim...
CRAIG D. LOUNSBROUGH If you find breads and water in the desert, you are bound to find God somewhere too.
VIKRANT PARSAI And then I wondered if as soon as he came to like me he would sink into ordinariness, and if as soon...
SYLVIA PLATH You're full of contradictions, Ms. Wallace."
I looked up at him and arched a brow. "I'm a girl...
TAMMARA WEBBER The only way he could have her was to shatter this stubborn faith of hers. In doing so, would he sha...
FRANCINE RIVERS The other day when I was walking through the woods, I saw a rabbit standing in front of a candle mak...
ANONYMOUS The other day when I was walking through the woods, I saw a rabbit standing in front of a candle mak...
STEPHEN WRIGHT You never know what you are going to find (when executing a warrant). Our intelligence did not know ...
LT. TODD SCHALLER They wanted Bridgette to be this extremely enigmatic character. Im about the least enigmatic person ...
MARGOT KIDDER The danger of civilization, of course, is that you will piss away your life on nonsense.
JIM HARRISON You'll never get anywhere if you go about what-iffing like that.
ROALD DAHL I did play a lot of 'what if' with myself.
WENDY FOREMAN I understood myself only after I destroyed myself. And only in the process of fixing myself, did I k...
SADE ANDRIA ZABALA What did the last Easter Islander say as he chopped down the last tree? The Easter Islanders didn't ...
JARED DIAMOND I am sure that, on the one hand, the Rothschilds appreciate the merits of Marx, and that on the othe...
MIKHAIL BAKUNIN I do not look at myself. I have given up myself. I had to, you know, after the murder. That was what...
C.S. LEWIS You cant find outside what you dont have inside.
CARL HAMMERSCHLAG I find I often just fall into a stone-like sleep, right in the middle of the day, just sort of clonk...
DEBORAH EISENBERG If I provide for this life and turn away from the Lord, I am wise for a moment, but lost forever.
FRANCINE RIVERS The only way he could have her was to shatter this stubborn faith of hers. In doing so, would he sha...
FRANCINE RIVERS If they fly any coastal flight, I know. I can also find anybody in the world within 24 hours. I guar...
FRANK GRIFFIN

More Groucho Marx

I remember the first time I had sex - I kept the receipt.
GROUCHO MARX The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made.
GROUCHO MARX Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.
GROUCHO MARX I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.
GROUCHO MARX Well, Art is Art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water. And east is east and west ...
GROUCHO MARX I intend to live forever, or die trying.
GROUCHO MARX I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.
GROUCHO MARX Either he's dead or my watch has stopped.
GROUCHO MARX I worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty.
GROUCHO MARX Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?
GROUCHO MARX Only one man in a thousand is a leader of men--the other 999 follow women.
GROUCHO MARX Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows, marriage does.
GROUCHO MARX One of the best hearing aids a man can have is an attentive wife.
GROUCHO MARX Wives are people who feel they don't dance enough.
GROUCHO MARX No man goes before his time -- unless the boss leaves early.
GROUCHO MARX Time flies like an arrow, fruit flies like a banana.
GROUCHO MARX The trouble with writing a book about yourself is that you can't fool around. If you write about som...
GROUCHO MARX Practically everybody in New York has half a mind to write a book, and does.
GROUCHO MARX From the moment I picked up your book until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day...
GROUCHO MARX The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his checkbook open
GROUCHO MARX Just give me a comfortable couch, a dog, a good book, and a woman. Then if you can get the dog to go...
GROUCHO MARX I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and...
GROUCHO MARX I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yes...
GROUCHO MARX I am so broke, I can't even afford to fill up my bicycle.
GROUCHO MARX How does the healthy dog bark? Ruff Ruff.
How does the cold dog bark ? Scarf Scarf.
How...
GROUCHO MARX I think it is good that books still exist, but they do make me sleepy.
GROUCHO MARX I have a new philosophy. I'm only going to dread one day at a time.
GROUCHO MARX Insurance is like marriage. You pay, pay, pay, and you never get anything back.
GROUCHO MARX Friends are chocolate chips in the cookie of life!
GROUCHO MARX I'm a Nillionaire. I have little to no money!
GROUCHO MARX One of the great things about books is sometimes there are some fantastic pictures.
GROUCHO MARX If aliens saw us walking our dogs and picking up their poop, who would they think is in charge?
GROUCHO MARX A child of five could understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.
GROUCHO MARX I've had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.
GROUCHO MARX When you're in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell...
GROUCHO MARX Blessed are the cracked, for they shall let in the light.
GROUCHO MARX Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.
GROUCHO MARX I worked myself up from nothing to extreme poverty.
GROUCHO MARX Look at me. I worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty.
GROUCHO MARX Please accept my resignation. I don't care to belong to any club that will have me as a member.
GROUCHO MARX If you've heard this story before, don't stop me, because I'd like to hear it again.
GROUCHO MARX Although it is generally known, I think it's about time to announce that I was born at a very early ...
GROUCHO MARX I won't belong to any organization that would have me as a member.
GROUCHO MARX I never forget a face, but in your case I'll make an exception.
GROUCHO MARX There is one way to find out if a man is honest; ask him! If he says yes you know he's crooked.
GROUCHO MARX There is no sweeter sound than the crumbling of ones fellow man.
GROUCHO MARX I eat like a vulture. Unfortunately the resemblance doesn't end there.
GROUCHO MARX Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.
GROUCHO MARX Paying alimony is like feeding hay to a dead horse.
GROUCHO MARX I did toy with the idea of doing a cook-book. The recipes were to be the routine ones: how to make d...
GROUCHO MARX A clown is like aspirin, only he works twice as fast.
GROUCHO MARX I'm leaving because the weather is too good. I hate London when it's not raining.
GROUCHO MARX My mother loved children--she would have given anything if I had been one.
GROUCHO MARX Whoever named it necking is a poor judge of anatomy.
GROUCHO MARX No man goes before his time / unless the boss leaves early.
GROUCHO MARX The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made. Life is a ...
GROUCHO MARX Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it, misdiagnosing it, and then misapplying the w...
GROUCHO MARX No one is completely unhappy at the failure of his best friend.
GROUCHO MARX While money can't buy happiness, it certainly lets you choose your own form of misery.
GROUCHO MARX I find television very educational. Every time someone switches it on I go into another room and rea...
GROUCHO MARX If you've heard this story before, don't stop me, because I'd like to hear it again.
GROUCHO MARX The first thing which I can record concerning myself is, that I was born. These are wonderful words....
GROUCHO MARX Alimony is like buying hay for a dead horse.
GROUCHO MARX I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.
GROUCHO MARX Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him.
GROUCHO MARX Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.
GROUCHO MARX Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you.
GROUCHO MARX In Hollywood, brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom.
GROUCHO MARX I must confess, I was born at a very early age.
GROUCHO MARX I have a mind to join a club and beat you over the head with it.
GROUCHO MARX She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon.
GROUCHO MARX I'm not feeling very well - I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course.
GROUCHO MARX A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running.
GROUCHO MARX Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?
GROUCHO MARX All people are born alike - except Republicans and Democrats.
GROUCHO MARX From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I...
GROUCHO MARX I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it.
GROUCHO MARX Before I speak, I have something important to say.
GROUCHO MARX Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.
GROUCHO MARX I didn't like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions - the curtain was up.
GROUCHO MARX Getting older is no problem. You just have to live long enough.
GROUCHO MARX Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted.
GROUCHO MARX A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere.
GROUCHO MARX I won't belong to any organization that would have me as a member.
GROUCHO MARX Please accept my resignation. I don't care to belong to any club that will have me as a member.
GROUCHO MARX No man goes before his time - unless the boss leaves early.
GROUCHO MARX I'm leaving because the weather is too good. I hate London when it's not raining.
GROUCHO MARX Humor is reason gone mad.
GROUCHO MARX One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know.
GROUCHO MARX Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others.
GROUCHO MARX I wish to be cremated. One tenth of my ashes shall be given to my agent, as written in our contract.
GROUCHO MARX I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.
GROUCHO MARX I've got a good mind to go out and join a club and beat you over the head with it.
GROUCHO MARX I have nothing but respect for you -- and not much of that.
GROUCHO MARX He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot but don't let that fool you. He really is an idiot.
GROUCHO MARX I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
GROUCHO MARX I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yes...
GROUCHO MARX Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and app...
GROUCHO MARX I've got the brain of a four year old. I'll bet he was glad to be rid of it.
GROUCHO MARX Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows - marriage does.
GROUCHO MARX Hollywood brides keep the bouquets and throw away the grooms.
GROUCHO MARX Please accept my resignation. I don't care to belong to any club that will have me as a member.
GROUCHO MARX I don’t have a photograph, but you can have my footprints. They’re upstairs in my socks.
GROUCHO MARX Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy.
GROUCHO MARX All geniuses die young.
GROUCHO MARX There's one way to find out if a man is honest - ask him. If he says, 'Yes,' you know he...
GROUCHO MARX I read in the newspapers they are going to have 30 minutes of intellectual stuff on television every...
GROUCHO MARX We in the industry know that behind every successful screenwriter stands a woman. And behind her sta...
GROUCHO MARX I find television very educational. The minute somebody turns it on, I go to the library and read a ...
GROUCHO MARX She got her good looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon.
GROUCHO MARX The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his checkbook open.
GROUCHO MARX I do not care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.
GROUCHO MARX No one is completely unhappy at the failure of his best friend.
GROUCHO MARX My mother loved children - she would have given anything if I had been one.
GROUCHO MARX There is no sweeter sound than the crumbling of one's fellow man.
GROUCHO MARX She's afraid that if she leaves, she'll become the live of the party.
GROUCHO MARX I'd horsewhip you if I had a horse.
GROUCHO MARX In America you can go on the air and kid the politicians, and the politicians can go on the air and ...
GROUCHO MARX Practically everybody in New York has half a mind to write a book -and does
GROUCHO MARX From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I...
GROUCHO MARX Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
GROUCHO MARX Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others.
GROUCHO MARX There's one way to find out if a man is honest-ask him. If he says, "Yes," you know he is a crook.
GROUCHO MARX She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon.
GROUCHO MARX Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.
GROUCHO MARX Money frees you from doing things you dislike. Since I dislike doing nearly everything, money is han...
GROUCHO MARX Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.
GROUCHO MARX It isn't necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to be unhappy.
GROUCHO MARX I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it.
GROUCHO MARX I sent the club a wire stating, PLEASE ACCEPT MY RESIGNATION. I DON'T WANT TO BELONG TO ANY CLUB THA...
GROUCHO MARX I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.
GROUCHO MARX I could dance with you until the cows come home. On second thought I'd rather dance with the cows ...
GROUCHO MARX Go, and never darken my towels again.
GROUCHO MARX From the moment I picked up your book until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day ...
GROUCHO MARX Either this man is dead or my watch has stopped.
GROUCHO MARX Age is not a particularly interesting subject. Anyone can get old. All you have to do is live long e...
GROUCHO MARX My mother loved children -- she would have given anything if I had been one.
GROUCHO MARX A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.
GROUCHO MARX We dont like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out. Well, art is art, isnt it? Still, on t...
GROUCHO MARX I don't have a photograph, but you can have my footprints. They're upstairs in my socks.
GROUCHO MARX Women should be obscene and not heard.
GROUCHO MARX Please accept my resignation. I don't want to belong to any club that will accept me as a member.
GROUCHO MARX Wives are people who feel they don't dance enough
GROUCHO MARX I was going to thrash them within an inch of their lives, but I didn't have a tape measure
GROUCHO MARX The secret of success is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake those, you’ve got it made.”
GROUCHO MARX Why should I care about posterity? What's posterity ever done for me?
GROUCHO MARX My favourite poem is the one that starts 'Thirty days hath September' because it actually tells you ...
GROUCHO MARX My favourite poem is the one that starts 'Thirty days hath September' because it actually te...
GROUCHO MARX Love flies out the door when money comes innuendo.
GROUCHO MARX If income tax is the price you have to pay to keep the government on its feet, alimony is the price ...
GROUCHO MARX Don’t ever underestimate the importance of money. I know it’s often been said that money won’t...
GROUCHO MARX I must say I find television very educational. The minute somebody turns it on, I go to the library ...
GROUCHO MARX You've got the brain of a four-year-old boy, and I bet he was glad to get rid of it
GROUCHO MARX Wives are people who feel they don't dance enough.
GROUCHO MARX Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.
GROUCHO MARX [When Judy Garland lost the 1954 best actress Oscar to Grace Kelly in] The Country Girl, ... Dear Ju...
GROUCHO MARX I was so long writing my review that I never got around to reading the book.
GROUCHO MARX Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows, marriage does
GROUCHO MARX Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana
GROUCHO MARX Money will not make you happy, and happy will not make you money
GROUCHO MARX Only one man in a thousand is a leader of men, the other 999 follow women
GROUCHO MARX A man is only as old as the woman he feels.
GROUCHO MARX Here's to our wives and girlfriends...may they never meet!
GROUCHO MARX Some people claim that marriage interferes with romance. There's no doubt about it. Anytime you have...
GROUCHO MARX If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.
GROUCHO MARX Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn't arrived yet. I have just one day, and I'm going to be happy in it...
GROUCHO MARX I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.
GROUCHO MARX If you're not having fun, you're doing something wrong.
GROUCHO MARX One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got in my pajamas I'll never know.
GROUCHO MARX Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.
GROUCHO MARX Learn from the mistakes of others. You can never live long enough to make them all yourself.
GROUCHO MARX From the moment I picked up your book until I put it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I...
GROUCHO MARX It isn't necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to be unhappy.
GROUCHO MARX Please accept my resignation. I don't want to belong to any club that will accept me as a member
GROUCHO MARX I did toy with the idea of doing a cook-book. . . . I think a lot of people who hate literature but ...
GROUCHO MARX Why, I'd horse-whip you if I had a horse.
GROUCHO MARX I'm giving you 30 days to live.
GROUCHO MARX She's afraid that if she leaves, she'll become the life of the party
GROUCHO MARX Believe me, you have to get up early if you want to get out of bed
GROUCHO MARX A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke.
GROUCHO MARX And I want to thank you for all the enjoyment you've taken out of it.
GROUCHO MARX Remember, we're fighting for this woman's honor, which is probably far more than she's ever done!
GROUCHO MARX Hey, when I said work fast, I didn't mean your friend, I meant the maid.
GROUCHO MARX Marriage is a wonderful institution...but who wants to live in an institution?
GROUCHO MARX I have nothing but confidence in you, and very little of that
GROUCHO MARX A man's only as old as the woman he feels.
GROUCHO MARX Blood's not thicker than money
GROUCHO MARX I didn't like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions - the curtain was up.
GROUCHO MARX Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!
GROUCHO MARX The only real laughter comes from despair.
GROUCHO MARX Q: What do you get when you cross an insomniac, an agnostic, and a dyslexic?
A: Someone who stay...
GROUCHO MARX Either this man is dead or my watch has stopped.
GROUCHO MARX Outside of a dog, a man's best friend is a book. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.
GROUCHO MARX Why a four-year-old child could understand this report. Run out and find me a four-year-old child. I...
GROUCHO MARX I cannot say that I do not disagree with you
GROUCHO MARX I would never belong to a group that would accept someone like me as a member.
GROUCHO MARX Years ago, I tried to top everybody, but I don't anymore, I realized it was killing conversation. Wh...
GROUCHO MARX Remember men, we're fighting for this woman's honor; which is probably more than she ever did.
GROUCHO MARX I won't belong to any organization that would have me as a member
GROUCHO MARX Did I ever tell you how I shot a wild elephant in my pyjamas? How he got into my pyjamas I'll never ...
GROUCHO MARX