Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?
Groucho Marx
Related
I was always a fan of Groucho Marx as a kid.
MICHAEL FELDMAN The only real laughter comes from despair.
GROUCHO MARX I’ll put off reading Lolita for six more years until she turns 18.
GROUCHO MARX Throughout my life, there are four people I've met who were truly original people. The other thr...
ALICE COOPER The world would not be in such a snarl,/ had Marx been Groucho instead of Karl.
IRVING BERLIN The world would not be in such a snarl, had Marx been Groucho instead of Karl.
IRVING BERLIN Up there with my awards, I have a great big statue of Groucho Marx, just to put everything in perspe...
JOHN LITHGOW When you're in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell...
LINDA KAGE The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made. Life is a ...
GROUCHO MARX We can go on talking about racism and who treated whom badly, but what are you going to do about it?...
JUDITH JAMISON We can go on talking about racism and who treated whom badly, but what are you going to do about it?...
JUDITH JAMISON The real achievement of Woody Allen was that he was making movies that felt very personal, and for a...
NOAH BAUMBACH No matter what happens to you, you can maintain your own control about what you believe and who you ...
ALEXIS WRIGHT It just opens your eyes to what these kids are really about. After a big win, believe me, when you s...
JOE DIAZ Don't look now, but there's one too many in this room and I think it's you
GROUCHO MARX You should base everything on what you see with your own eyes, hear with your own ears and feel with...
TANYA MASSE Are you going to ignore that? You just can't close your eyes.
DANIEL HEMPEY Why should you believe your eyes? You were given eyes to see with, not to believe with. Your eyes ca...
WARD MOORE you make your own adventure in life. And I truly believe that if you open your eyes to your surround...
BETHANY HAMILTON I like to exhilarate the audience like Groucho Marx exhilarated me when I was a kid. Also, I enjoy d...
FRANK FERRANTE Believe nothing, no matter where you read it, or who said it, no matter if I have said it, unless it...
BUDDHA Believe nothing, no matter where you read it, or who said it, no matter if I have said it, unless it...
GAUTAMA BUDDHA Close your eyes and imagine the best version of you possible. That’s who you really are, let go of...
C. ASSAAD Find out who you are and figure out what you believe in. Even if it's different from what your neigh...
ELLEN DEGENERES Pat told me you would never believe it unless you saw it with your own eyes. All of their homes have...
JEANETTE NIKOLAS My father taught me you have to believe in yourself and run on your own track.
JENNIFER GREY Doing things the way you see it, going by your own heart and soul, that is pure artistic integrity. ...
LARS ULRICH True beauty is not related to what color your hair is or what color your eyes are. True beauty is ab...
ELLEN DEGENERES If your life is not to your liking then it is no ones fault but your own. Sorry if that offends you ...
NICK KINSELLA If you didn't see it with your own eyes, or hear it with your own ears, don't invent it with your sm...
ANONYMOUS "...If you did not see it with your own eyes, or hear it with your own ears, don't invent it with...
AUTHOR UNKNOWN Parenthood is a psychic sweat lodge: enter into it only if you are ready to have your own secreted t...
AMITY GAIGE How do you tell a communist? Well, it's someone who reads Marx and Lenin. And how do you tell an ant...
RONALD REAGAN How do you tell a Communist? Well, it’s someone who reads Marx and Lenin. And how do you tell an a...
RONALD REAGAN I could dance with you till the cows come home. Better still, I'll dance with the cows and you come ...
GROUCHO MARX Don't believe eyes, cheats you later, its not true, believe your knowledge its develops you.
ZENITHANAND As long as you smile, have sparkly eyes and stick your shoulders back, nobody's going to notice your...
CAT DEELEY “My mentor told me show me your calendar and I will tell you if you are going to rich or not.”
JEFF PACKARD I wasn't sure which was worse - to know you were a liar or to believe your own bullshit.
EILEEN COOK Sometimes a girl just needs a splash of fairy tale in her life. To the girls who no longer believe i...
GINA JAMMAL When you tell me your story or about yourself I understand who you are and are able to share who I a...
BRENT M. JONES Obviously, you have no other proof but your word. So I hope they are going to believe her, as they b...
FLORENCE AUBENAS I fully understand the pressure that you are under, and that there are those who are trying to destr...
BENON SEVAN You don't know who to believe and who not to believe sometimes because everybody has their own agend...
GLEN RICHARDSON Are you going out after the truth, or are you going out after something you believe?
RICHARD D. ROSEN There's always going to be someone out there... who doesn't believe in you or who thinks you...
JIMMY FALLON If you must tell me your opinions, tell me what you believe in. I have plenty of doubts of my own.
JOHANN VON GOETHE If you must tell me your opinions, tell me what you believe in. I have plenty of doubts of my own.
JOHANN WOLFGANG VON GOETHE Pin your faith to no ones sleeves, haven't you two eyes of your own.
THOMAS CARLYLE It's not until you develop your own voice, your own persona onstage that you become your own com...
WANDA SYKES Your ability to rationalize your own bad deeds makes you believe that the whole world is as amoral a...
DOUGLAS COUPLAND Your ability to rationalize your own bad deeds makes you believe that the whole world is as amoral a...
DOUGLAS COUPLAND Where you are coming from doesn't matter but where you are going does. Hence look forward and not ba...
OSCAR BIMPONG Hell, in my opinion, is never finding your true self and never living your own life or knowing who y...
JOHN BRADSHAW You must find a boy your own age. Someone mild and beautiful to be your lover. Someone who will trem...
JANET FITCH As long as you smile, have sparkly eyes and stick your shoulders back, nobody's going to notice ...
CAT DEELEY When you are facing the wilderness on your own, you have a totally different attitude to someone who...
RICK SANTELLI How do you tell a communist? Well, it's someone who reads Marx and Lenin. And how do you tell an...
RONALD REAGAN Do you wait for things to happen, or do you make them happen yourself? I believe in writing your own...
CHARLOTTE ERIKSSON But I never looked like that!’ - How do you know? What is the ‘you’ you might or might not loo...
ROLAND BARTHES You are the storyteller of your own life, and you can create your own legend, or not.
ISABEL ALLENDE Stay true to your own voice, and don't worry about needing to be liked or what anybody else thin...
LAURA DERN I believe success is preparation, because opportunity is going to knock on your door sooner or later...
OMAR EPPS O you who believe! let not your wealth, or your children, divert you from the remembrance of Allah; ...
QURAN I can't believe you just did that! Are you crazy?"
I gripped the steering wheel tighter. "Why d...
JANETTE RALLISON I want you to see me naked and performing one or two dozen mad acts, which will take me less than ha...
MIGUEL DE CERVANTES SAAVEDRA If you are working with no vision to be own your own boss, you are no different from people who are ...
SUNDAY ADELAJA I believe Karl Marx could have subscribed to the Sermon on the Mount.
FIDEL CASTRO Who says you can't fall in love on your own?
Whenever you listen to music, close your eyes...
And th...
MAICHEE SUMMER You can't believe everything people tell you - not even if those people are your own brain.
JEFFERSON SMITH I've had a wonderful time, but this wasn't it
GROUCHO MARX Intelligence is dangerous. Intelligence means you will start thinking on your own; you will start lo...
OSHO I was changing a light bulb over Groucho Marx's bed, so I took my shoes off, got on his bed and ...
ELLIOTT GOULD When people tell you who they are, Maya Angelou famously advised, believe them. Just as importantly,...
MARIA POPOVA If you are going to tell me who I am you might as well act out your part in the theatre.
APURVA GAGLANI You are your own cannoe and you are your own paddle, so paddle your own cannoe. Society had taught u...
ISRAELMORE AYIVOR It's not who you are, but what you're made of. It's not where you come from, but where you're going ...
CAREW PAPRITZ When you have the strength to stand up for yourself ,the ones you love and the dignity and honor to ...
GARY F EVANS... We have this weird thing in the world where you don't get insulted for what you do, you get insulted...
JOHN GREEN Are you a stupid sheep in the flock or a free eagle in the sky? Look at the mirror, what are you? Ar...
MEHMET MURAT ILDAN The secret to being unafraid of the darkness is to challenge the darkness to fear you, to raise your...
CLAIRE NORTH I fully understand the pressure that you are under, and that there are
those who are trying to...
BENON SEVAN You could try to believe what you wanted, but it never worked. Your brain and your heart decided wha...
CAROL RIFKA BRUNT Wherever you are it is your own friends who make your world.
RALPH B. PERRY You have opened your eyes to the gift of a new day. Thank God, Providence, Nature or whatever you be...
TONY BRADY Life. Life is a show. It's up to you how to make your own story, do your own show and how to live yo...
DIANA ROSE MORCILLA I believe your home tells a story about who you are and who you aspire to be. We represent ourselves...
NATE BERKUS Closing your eyes isn't going to change anything. Nothing's going to disappear just because you can'...
HARUKI MURAKAMI You’re stronger than you believe. Don’t let your fear own you. Own yourself.
MICHELLE HODKIN Few are those who see with their own eyes and feel with their own hearts.
ALBERT EINSTEIN You see, you closed your eyes. That was the difference. Sometimes you cannot believe what you see, y...
MITCH ALBOM See with your own eyes, hear with your own ears, think your own thoughts, say what you must say, do ...
PAUL PALNIK The real lover is the man who can thrill you by kissing your forehead or smiling into your eyes or j...
MARILYN MONROE I don't believe being gay is something you can change, no more than you can change the color of ...
PATRICIA POLACCO A Coach Or Mentor's Job Is To Raise Your Level Of Performance Beyond What You Thought Was Possible O...
GEORGE M. ETHERIDGE You are the only best friend of yourself. Because you are the only one who knows about yourself as n...
NISHI DE SILVA Believe nothing, no matter where you read it, or who said it, no matter if I have said it, unless it...
BUDDHA Off with you" is a phrase used by people who lack the curtesy to say something more polite, such as,...
LEMONY SNICKET If I am an extremist in your eyes you are most likely going to be a conservative liberal.
ANDONI GARCIA Who are your friends? Do they believe in you? Or do they stunt your growth with ridicule and disbeli...
RAY BRADBURY
More Groucho Marx
I remember the first time I had sex - I kept the receipt.
GROUCHO MARX The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made.
GROUCHO MARX Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.
GROUCHO MARX I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.
GROUCHO MARX Well, Art is Art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water. And east is east and west ...
GROUCHO MARX I intend to live forever, or die trying.
GROUCHO MARX I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.
GROUCHO MARX Either he's dead or my watch has stopped.
GROUCHO MARX I worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty.
GROUCHO MARX Only one man in a thousand is a leader of men--the other 999 follow women.
GROUCHO MARX Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows, marriage does.
GROUCHO MARX One of the best hearing aids a man can have is an attentive wife.
GROUCHO MARX Wives are people who feel they don't dance enough.
GROUCHO MARX No man goes before his time -- unless the boss leaves early.
GROUCHO MARX Time flies like an arrow, fruit flies like a banana.
GROUCHO MARX The trouble with writing a book about yourself is that you can't fool around. If you write about som...
GROUCHO MARX Practically everybody in New York has half a mind to write a book, and does.
GROUCHO MARX From the moment I picked up your book until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day...
GROUCHO MARX The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his checkbook open
GROUCHO MARX Just give me a comfortable couch, a dog, a good book, and a woman. Then if you can get the dog to go...
GROUCHO MARX I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and...
GROUCHO MARX I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yes...
GROUCHO MARX I am so broke, I can't even afford to fill up my bicycle.
GROUCHO MARX How does the healthy dog bark? Ruff Ruff.
How does the cold dog bark ? Scarf Scarf.
How...
GROUCHO MARX I think it is good that books still exist, but they do make me sleepy.
GROUCHO MARX I have a new philosophy. I'm only going to dread one day at a time.
GROUCHO MARX Insurance is like marriage. You pay, pay, pay, and you never get anything back.
GROUCHO MARX Friends are chocolate chips in the cookie of life!
GROUCHO MARX What did the dog say after walking in the desert for hours? If I don't find a tree soon I'm gonna p...
GROUCHO MARX I'm a Nillionaire. I have little to no money!
GROUCHO MARX One of the great things about books is sometimes there are some fantastic pictures.
GROUCHO MARX If aliens saw us walking our dogs and picking up their poop, who would they think is in charge?
GROUCHO MARX A child of five could understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.
GROUCHO MARX I've had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.
GROUCHO MARX When you're in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell...
GROUCHO MARX Blessed are the cracked, for they shall let in the light.
GROUCHO MARX Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.
GROUCHO MARX I worked myself up from nothing to extreme poverty.
GROUCHO MARX Look at me. I worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty.
GROUCHO MARX Please accept my resignation. I don't care to belong to any club that will have me as a member.
GROUCHO MARX If you've heard this story before, don't stop me, because I'd like to hear it again.
GROUCHO MARX Although it is generally known, I think it's about time to announce that I was born at a very early ...
GROUCHO MARX I won't belong to any organization that would have me as a member.
GROUCHO MARX I never forget a face, but in your case I'll make an exception.
GROUCHO MARX There is one way to find out if a man is honest; ask him! If he says yes you know he's crooked.
GROUCHO MARX There is no sweeter sound than the crumbling of ones fellow man.
GROUCHO MARX I eat like a vulture. Unfortunately the resemblance doesn't end there.
GROUCHO MARX Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.
GROUCHO MARX Paying alimony is like feeding hay to a dead horse.
GROUCHO MARX I did toy with the idea of doing a cook-book. The recipes were to be the routine ones: how to make d...
GROUCHO MARX A clown is like aspirin, only he works twice as fast.
GROUCHO MARX I'm leaving because the weather is too good. I hate London when it's not raining.
GROUCHO MARX My mother loved children--she would have given anything if I had been one.
GROUCHO MARX Whoever named it necking is a poor judge of anatomy.
GROUCHO MARX No man goes before his time / unless the boss leaves early.
GROUCHO MARX The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made. Life is a ...
GROUCHO MARX Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it, misdiagnosing it, and then misapplying the w...
GROUCHO MARX No one is completely unhappy at the failure of his best friend.
GROUCHO MARX While money can't buy happiness, it certainly lets you choose your own form of misery.
GROUCHO MARX I find television very educational. Every time someone switches it on I go into another room and rea...
GROUCHO MARX If you've heard this story before, don't stop me, because I'd like to hear it again.
GROUCHO MARX The first thing which I can record concerning myself is, that I was born. These are wonderful words....
GROUCHO MARX Alimony is like buying hay for a dead horse.
GROUCHO MARX I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.
GROUCHO MARX Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him.
GROUCHO MARX Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.
GROUCHO MARX Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you.
GROUCHO MARX In Hollywood, brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom.
GROUCHO MARX I must confess, I was born at a very early age.
GROUCHO MARX I have a mind to join a club and beat you over the head with it.
GROUCHO MARX She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon.
GROUCHO MARX I'm not feeling very well - I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course.
GROUCHO MARX A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running.
GROUCHO MARX Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?
GROUCHO MARX All people are born alike - except Republicans and Democrats.
GROUCHO MARX From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I...
GROUCHO MARX I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it.
GROUCHO MARX Before I speak, I have something important to say.
GROUCHO MARX Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.
GROUCHO MARX I didn't like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions - the curtain was up.
GROUCHO MARX Getting older is no problem. You just have to live long enough.
GROUCHO MARX Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted.
GROUCHO MARX A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere.
GROUCHO MARX I won't belong to any organization that would have me as a member.
GROUCHO MARX Please accept my resignation. I don't care to belong to any club that will have me as a member.
GROUCHO MARX No man goes before his time - unless the boss leaves early.
GROUCHO MARX I'm leaving because the weather is too good. I hate London when it's not raining.
GROUCHO MARX Humor is reason gone mad.
GROUCHO MARX One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know.
GROUCHO MARX Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others.
GROUCHO MARX I wish to be cremated. One tenth of my ashes shall be given to my agent, as written in our contract.
GROUCHO MARX I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.
GROUCHO MARX I've got a good mind to go out and join a club and beat you over the head with it.
GROUCHO MARX I have nothing but respect for you -- and not much of that.
GROUCHO MARX He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot but don't let that fool you. He really is an idiot.
GROUCHO MARX I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
GROUCHO MARX I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yes...
GROUCHO MARX Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and app...
GROUCHO MARX I've got the brain of a four year old. I'll bet he was glad to be rid of it.
GROUCHO MARX Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows - marriage does.
GROUCHO MARX Hollywood brides keep the bouquets and throw away the grooms.
GROUCHO MARX Please accept my resignation. I don't care to belong to any club that will have me as a member.
GROUCHO MARX I don’t have a photograph, but you can have my footprints. They’re upstairs in my socks.
GROUCHO MARX Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy.
GROUCHO MARX All geniuses die young.
GROUCHO MARX There's one way to find out if a man is honest - ask him. If he says, 'Yes,' you know he...
GROUCHO MARX I read in the newspapers they are going to have 30 minutes of intellectual stuff on television every...
GROUCHO MARX We in the industry know that behind every successful screenwriter stands a woman. And behind her sta...
GROUCHO MARX I find television very educational. The minute somebody turns it on, I go to the library and read a ...
GROUCHO MARX She got her good looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon.
GROUCHO MARX The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his checkbook open.
GROUCHO MARX I do not care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.
GROUCHO MARX No one is completely unhappy at the failure of his best friend.
GROUCHO MARX My mother loved children - she would have given anything if I had been one.
GROUCHO MARX There is no sweeter sound than the crumbling of one's fellow man.
GROUCHO MARX She's afraid that if she leaves, she'll become the live of the party.
GROUCHO MARX I'd horsewhip you if I had a horse.
GROUCHO MARX In America you can go on the air and kid the politicians, and the politicians can go on the air and ...
GROUCHO MARX Practically everybody in New York has half a mind to write a book -and does
GROUCHO MARX From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I...
GROUCHO MARX Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
GROUCHO MARX Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others.
GROUCHO MARX There's one way to find out if a man is honest-ask him. If he says, "Yes," you know he is a crook.
GROUCHO MARX She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon.
GROUCHO MARX Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.
GROUCHO MARX Money frees you from doing things you dislike. Since I dislike doing nearly everything, money is han...
GROUCHO MARX Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.
GROUCHO MARX It isn't necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to be unhappy.
GROUCHO MARX I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it.
GROUCHO MARX I sent the club a wire stating, PLEASE ACCEPT MY RESIGNATION. I DON'T WANT TO BELONG TO ANY CLUB THA...
GROUCHO MARX I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.
GROUCHO MARX I could dance with you until the cows come home. On second thought I'd rather dance with the cows ...
GROUCHO MARX Go, and never darken my towels again.
GROUCHO MARX From the moment I picked up your book until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day ...
GROUCHO MARX Either this man is dead or my watch has stopped.
GROUCHO MARX Age is not a particularly interesting subject. Anyone can get old. All you have to do is live long e...
GROUCHO MARX My mother loved children -- she would have given anything if I had been one.
GROUCHO MARX A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.
GROUCHO MARX We dont like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out. Well, art is art, isnt it? Still, on t...
GROUCHO MARX I don't have a photograph, but you can have my footprints. They're upstairs in my socks.
GROUCHO MARX Women should be obscene and not heard.
GROUCHO MARX Please accept my resignation. I don't want to belong to any club
that will accept me as a member.
GROUCHO MARX Wives are people who feel they don't dance enough
GROUCHO MARX I was going to thrash them within an inch of their lives, but I didn't have a tape measure
GROUCHO MARX The secret of success is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake those, you’ve got it made.”
GROUCHO MARX Why should I care about posterity? What's posterity ever done for me?
GROUCHO MARX My favourite poem is the one that starts 'Thirty days hath September' because it actually tells you ...
GROUCHO MARX My favourite poem is the one that starts 'Thirty days hath September' because it actually te...
GROUCHO MARX Love flies out the door when money comes innuendo.
GROUCHO MARX If income tax is the price you have to pay to keep the government on its feet, alimony is the price ...
GROUCHO MARX Don’t ever underestimate the importance of money. I know it’s often been said that money won’t...
GROUCHO MARX I must say I find television very educational. The minute somebody turns it on, I go to the library ...
GROUCHO MARX You've got the brain of a four-year-old boy, and I bet he was glad to get rid of it
GROUCHO MARX Wives are people who feel they don't dance enough.
GROUCHO MARX Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.
GROUCHO MARX [When Judy Garland lost the 1954 best actress Oscar to Grace Kelly in] The Country Girl, ... Dear Ju...
GROUCHO MARX I was so long writing my review that I never got around to reading the book.
GROUCHO MARX Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows, marriage does
GROUCHO MARX Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana
GROUCHO MARX Money will not make you happy, and happy will not make you money
GROUCHO MARX Only one man in a thousand is a leader of men, the other 999 follow women
GROUCHO MARX A man is only as old as the woman he feels.
GROUCHO MARX Here's to our wives and girlfriends...may they never meet!
GROUCHO MARX Some people claim that marriage interferes with romance. There's no doubt about it. Anytime you have...
GROUCHO MARX If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.
GROUCHO MARX Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn't arrived yet. I have just one day, and I'm going to be happy in it...
GROUCHO MARX I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.
GROUCHO MARX If you're not having fun, you're doing something wrong.
GROUCHO MARX One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got in my pajamas I'll never know.
GROUCHO MARX Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.
GROUCHO MARX Learn from the mistakes of others. You can never live long enough to make them all yourself.
GROUCHO MARX From the moment I picked up your book until I put it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I...
GROUCHO MARX It isn't necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to be unhappy.
GROUCHO MARX Please accept my resignation. I don't want to belong to any club that will accept me as a member
GROUCHO MARX I did toy with the idea of doing a cook-book. . . . I think a lot of people who hate literature but ...
GROUCHO MARX Why, I'd horse-whip you if I had a horse.
GROUCHO MARX I'm giving you 30 days to live.
GROUCHO MARX She's afraid that if she leaves, she'll become the life of the party
GROUCHO MARX Believe me, you have to get up early if you want to get out of bed
GROUCHO MARX A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke.
GROUCHO MARX And I want to thank you for all the enjoyment you've taken out of it.
GROUCHO MARX Remember, we're fighting for this woman's honor, which is probably far more than she's ever done!
GROUCHO MARX Hey, when I said work fast, I didn't mean your friend, I meant the maid.
GROUCHO MARX Marriage is a wonderful institution...but who wants to live in an institution?
GROUCHO MARX I have nothing but confidence in you, and very little of that
GROUCHO MARX A man's only as old as the woman he feels.
GROUCHO MARX Blood's not thicker than money
GROUCHO MARX I didn't like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions - the curtain was up.
GROUCHO MARX Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!
GROUCHO MARX The only real laughter comes from despair.
GROUCHO MARX Q: What do you get when you cross an insomniac, an agnostic, and a dyslexic?
A: Someone who stay...
GROUCHO MARX Either this man is dead
or my watch has stopped.
GROUCHO MARX Outside of a dog, a man's best friend is a book. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.
GROUCHO MARX Why a four-year-old child could understand this report. Run out and find me a four-year-old child. I...
GROUCHO MARX I cannot say that I do not disagree with you
GROUCHO MARX I would never belong to a group that would accept someone like me as a member.
GROUCHO MARX Years ago, I tried to top everybody, but I don't anymore, I realized it was killing conversation. Wh...
GROUCHO MARX Remember men, we're fighting for this woman's honor; which is probably more than she ever did.
GROUCHO MARX I won't belong to any organization that would have me as a member
GROUCHO MARX Did I ever tell you how I shot a wild elephant in my pyjamas? How he got into my pyjamas I'll never ...
GROUCHO MARX