Your pet is not your friend. It is your hostage.

Statistically speaking, there is a 65 percent chance that the love of your life is having an affair. Be very suspicious.

Be sure to lie to your kids about the benevolent, all-seeing Santa Claus. It will prepare them for an adulthood of believing in God.

You have sexual tendencies that are not normal, and you should be ashamed of them.

If your workplace was somehow transplanted into the jungle and everyone was forced to survive at a very primitive level, it's safe to say that eventually your boss would rape you.

I respect your right to hold your religious beliefs, and if they help you, I think that's great. I would, however, like to inform you that you are a raving kook.