Be more funny! Be more funny!

Humor has to surprise us; otherwise, it isn't funny. It's a death knell for a writer to be labeled a humorist because then it's not a surprise anymore.

God writes a lot of comedy... the trouble is, he's stuck with so many bad actors who don't know how to play funny.

A minister has to be able to read a clock. At noon, it's time to go home and turn up the pot roast and get the peas out of the freezer.

The funniest line in English is 'Get it?' When you say that, everyone chortles.

Welcome to Lake Wobegon, where all the women are strong, all the men are good-looking, and all the children are above average.