Be pompous, obese, and eat cactus
Be dull and boring and omnipresent
Criticize things you don't know about
Be oblong and have your knees removed

Be tasteless, rude, and offensive,
Live in a swamp and be three dimensional,
Put a live chicken in your underwear,
Get all excited and go to a yawning festival.

Thankfully, persistence is a great substitute for talent.

You know what your problem is, it's that you haven't seen enough movies - all of life's riddles are answered in the movies.

Free love, man, Free Love! Which, by the way, was the single greatest concept a young man has ever heard. About three years late, women got wise an my frustration returned to normal levels.

I did stand-up. I loved George Carlin and Steve Martin.