I did stand-up. I loved George Carlin and Steve Martin.

Be pompous, obese, and eat cactus
Be dull and boring and omnipresent
Criticize things you don't know about
Be oblong and have your knees removed

When I was a bit older I had all of the George Carlin records, all of the Steve Martin records, all of the Cheech and Chong records and all of the Richard Pryor records.

Free love, man, Free Love! Which, by the way, was the single greatest concept a young man has ever heard. About three years late, women got wise an my frustration returned to normal levels.

Thankfully, persistence is a great substitute for talent.

You know what your problem is, it's that you haven't seen enough movies - all of life's riddles are answered in the movies.