Being a woman is worse than being a farmer there is so much harvesting and crop spraying to be done: legs to be waxed, underarms shaved, eyebrows plucked, feet pumiced, skin exfoliated and moisturised, spots cleansed, roots dyed, eyelashes tinted, nails filed, cellulite massaged, stomach muscles exercised.

The whole performance is so highly tuned you only need to neglect it for a few days for the whole thing to go to seed. Sometimes I wonder what I would be like if left to revert to nature — with a full beard and handlebar moustache on each shin Dennis Healey eyebrows face a graveyard of dead skin cells spots erupting long curly fingernails like Struwelpeter blind as bat and stupid runt of species as no contact lenses flabby body flobbering around. Ugh ugh. Is it any wonder girls have no confidence?


Helen Fielding

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As the sun began to rise, the man reached out to the woman, and they clasped hands. He cradled her, ...
HANNAH FIELDING
One of my illustrious predecessors.
HENRY FIELDING
Composed that monstrous animal a husband and wife.
HENRY FIELDING
He that can heroically endure adversity will bear prosperity with equal greatness of soul; for the m...
HENRY FIELDING
I have often wondered, Sir, [. . .] to observe so few Instances of Charity among Mankind; for tho' t...
HENRY FIELDING
I don't really like jokes in a way. I mean gags are fine but I like weird moments where what you hav...
NOEL FIELDING
I am as sober as a judge.
HENRY FIELDING
He that can heroically endure adversity will bear prosperity with equal greatness of soul; for the m...
HENRY FIELDING
The world have payed too great a compliment to critics, and have imagined them men of much greater p...
HENRY FIELDING
For I hope my Friends will pardon me, when I declare, I know none of them without a Fault; and I sho...
HENRY FIELDING
It doesn't matter what you do in the bedroom as long as you don't do it in the street and frighten t...
DAPHNE FIELDING
No one hath seen beauty in its highest lustre who hath never seen it in distress.
HENRY FIELDING
In Truth, none seem to have any Title to assert Human Nature to be necessarily and universally evil,...
HENRY FIELDING
We'd like to think that people just haven't gotten to it. ... It wasn't put out as a Chinese menu.
FRED FIELDING
Comfort me by a solemn Assurance, that when the little Parlour in which I sit at this Instant, shall...
HENRY FIELDING
...the pleasures of the world are chiefly folly, and the business of it mostly knavery, and both not...
HENRY FIELDING
...but doth not the person who expends vast sums in the furniture of his house or the ornaments of h...
HENRY FIELDING
The prudence of the best heads is often defeated by the tenderness of the best hearts.
HENRY FIELDING
I'm writing exactly the kinds of books I like to write. And they're the kinds of books I lik...
JOY FIELDING
I might not write fiction in the literary sense. But I write very well. My characters are good. My d...
JOY FIELDING
I always say what's on my mind. No need to second guess with me.
JOY FIELDING
There aren't too many people out there who can start one of my books and not finish it. I don...
JOY FIELDING
Perfect happiness is knowing that everyone I love is healthy, safe, and content.
JOY FIELDING
[...] for the philosophy of Square rendered him superior to all emotions, and he very calmly smoaked...
HENRY FIELDING
Reality depresses me. I need to find fantasy worlds and escape in them.
NOEL FIELDING
'It's not you, it's me.'

'Oh God. That's exactly what my last three boyfriends said whe...
KIM FIELDING
Dean had just come from seeing his lawyer. That was the first time that I found out that he had cons...
FRED F. FIELDING
Soon after I returned to private practice, former Supreme Court Chief Justice Warren Burger called m...
FRED F. FIELDING
It became evident to me that there was a very serious political element at work. I know that the ter...
FRED F. FIELDING
Theology in general, instead of acting as a beacon-light to guide the people of God, the laity, as t...
O. FIELDING CLARKE
Commemoration of Swithun, Bishop of Winchester, c.862 Commemoration of Bonaventure, Franciscan Fria...
O. FIELDING CLARKE
The last eight years have created a lot of deep-seated hostility. People take political decisions ve...
FRED F. FIELDING
Satan has control now. No matter where you look, he is in control, even in our own land. He is guidi...
JOSEPH FIELDING SMITH
But look, you did not have to be well versed in politics to know that some stupid things were going ...
FRED F. FIELDING
Mice are very difficult to do front on, but they have nicely human little hands and feet, and whiske...
HELEN CRAIG
Your sweetheart calls you by another's name. His eyes linger too long on your best friend. He ta...
HELEN FISHER
To me a lush carpet of pine needles or spongy grass is more welcome than the most luxurious Persian ...
HELEN KELLER
When we do the best that we can, we never know what miracle is wrought in our life, or in the life o...
HELEN KELLER
All the world is full of suffering. It is also full of overcoming.
HELEN KELLER
The worst constructed play is a Bach fugue when compared to life.
HELEN HAYES