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I've got a good mind to go out and join a club and beat you over the head with it.


Groucho Marx

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I've got a good mind to join a club and beat you over the head with it!
BERT KALMAR I have a mind to join a club and beat you over the head with it.
GROUCHO MARX I like to open for a band as it brings on sort of a challenge and it makes things more interesting. ...
KELLY JONES When you're in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell...
LINDA KAGE Daring to dream is not difficult, it's making them come true that is hard...
NANETTE L. AVERY The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made. Life is a ...
GROUCHO MARX I was always a fan of Groucho Marx as a kid.
MICHAEL FELDMAN I was changing a light bulb over Groucho Marx's bed, so I took my shoes off, got on his bed and ...
ELLIOTT GOULD Up there with my awards, I have a great big statue of Groucho Marx, just to put everything in perspe...
JOHN LITHGOW The world would not be in such a snarl,/ had Marx been Groucho instead of Karl.
IRVING BERLIN The world would not be in such a snarl, had Marx been Groucho instead of Karl.
IRVING BERLIN I'm a thinker. That is what I do, in great depth and detail, every waking moment of the day. I like ...
BRIAN HERBERT Unification of differences is power.
SHESH NATH VERNWAL The only real laughter comes from despair.
GROUCHO MARX I’ll put off reading Lolita for six more years until she turns 18.
GROUCHO MARX You are not the happy, unthinking child you have always appeared to be, accepting everything at its ...
AGATHA CHRISTIE By the side of the everlasting Why there is a Yes--a transitory Yes if you like, but a Yes.
E.M. FORSTER Obedience is bondage, if God wants to be adored he should make himself more loving.
LAURA WHITCOMB If thinking is your fate, revere this fate with divine honour and sacrifice to it the best, the most...
FRIEDRICH NIETZSCHE With tennis, you can go pick up a racket, take a lesson, and understand how much talent and skill it...
MARIO ANDRETTI I could dance with you till the cows come home. Better still, I'll dance with the cows and you come ...
GROUCHO MARX When a lot of voices, make up a noise, the man who is silent represents a voice.
APURVA GAGLANI When you join this club as a young player you know you've got a mountain to climb to get yourself in...
GARY NEVILLE I've had this beat play over and over in my head, it wasn't until you came along that it played into...
MARIE CHAIDEZ No matter where you go after leaving Celtic, it would be almost impossible to join a bigger club but...
JACKIE MCNAMARA You don't ever want to limp in. You don't want to go in after you got beat your last game or you had...
BRENTSON BUCKNER If you can't beat them over the years, ... you might as well join them.
ARTURO FREEMAN Ive created a new drink! I'm calling it the Piñata Colada! Its sweet and tasty, but when you wake u...
JOSé N. HARRIS Interdependent Thinking is a true system view of the world.
PEARL ZHU „Ein Mensch kann niemals Tier werden, er stürzt am Tier vorbei in den Abgrund
MARLEN HAUSHOFER You can go a long way with bad legs and a good head.
GAVIN MCDONALD Deepest place in my mind is my thinking and thoughts....Do not try to understand me...
Otherwis...
MARYUM AHSAM The real achievement of Woody Allen was that he was making movies that felt very personal, and for a...
NOAH BAUMBACH How lucky I am to have known somebody and something that saying goodbye to is so damned awful.
EVANS G. VALENS If you can't Beat them, Join them, and if you can't Beat them or Join them, then Leave them.
JAI SINGH You have to join MARA to get a sample. They'll share only with members of their club.
GRAHAM CLULEY We've got a good mind-set. We're relaxed. Coming into this series we were the underdogs. We've got n...
DAVE ROBERTS Throughout my life, there are four people I've met who were truly original people. The other thr...
ALICE COOPER Grin when you win and others will do the same to you. And it will not rest with either.
JAIME CONTRERAS It's a great pity that things weren't so arranged that an empty head, like an empty stomach, wouldn'...
UNKNOWN It'll be a good matchup. I'd love to go out there and beat him.
CALVIN JOHNSON You don't like anybody to beat you too much. I don't have a long memory. And as an athlete, you can'...
GARY MCCLURE Empathy is the new measurement of everything. It doesn't matter what religion you have, what God you...
C. JOYBELL C. They're a good club. Props to them. They kicked our butts twice but we got 'em once. That third (gam...
JOSH UPCHURCH It felt good to go out and play with confidence against a good team. We definitely got our spark bac...
KATIE CAMPBELL If you can't quite make it as a high flier then join a trampoline club.
STEPHEN RICHARDS The rest of the (Big South) teams got to go out and beat a top 20 team. We need to do our share and ...
CAL MCCOMBS Like anybody, I would like to live a long life. Longevity has its place. But Im not concerned about ...
MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR. You have to get good pitching to beat the Red Sox, period. When they have pitching like they do, you...
JOE MADDON When the world has got hold of a lie, it is astonishing how hard it is to kill it. You beat it over ...
EDWARD GEORGE BULWER-LYTTON When the world has got hold of a lie, it is astonishing how hard it is to kill it. You beat it over ...
EDWARD G. BULWER-LYTTON It felt good. I finally got to go out there with the starting group and throw the ball around the ya...
ANTHONY MORELLI You're still lovely," Mor said a bit gently.
Elain offered a half smile. "I suppose that war m...
SARAH J. MAAS I don't think we've done that since I've been here, and they've got a good club. They're ranked in t...
DALE HARPENAU Be careful of relying on the opinion of others, these are the same people that like liver.
NANETTE L. AVERY Post traumatic stress disorder starts out with nightmares, flashbacks and actually reliving the even...
DALE ARCHER He's been telling me, 'Y'all got to beat Auburn.' He calls me everyday with it. He's like, 'You got ...
CHRIS JACKSON We're prepared. They're a talented team with good players. We've got to go out there and play. It's ...
LUCAS CAPARELLI Everything has it's own time and place, Transformation becomes effortless when we go with the flow.
SHELLI THOMPSON We got beat by two really good teams. It was a great experience to out here.
HUTTON JONES A servant who serves excellently from his whole heart with due courage and humility is never a serva...
ERNEST AGYEMANG YEBOAH You know, everybody has a slogan, and once you beat people over the head with it so much, then that&...
FLOYD MAYWEATHER, JR. I'm getting real fed up with it. If you go out and lose, hey, you got beat by the best wrestler in t...
JAY GROTH It is a lie.
ARTHUR MILLER Once you have a good relationship with Aaron, he seems to want to work with you over and over again....
SHANNEN DOHERTY You can't wait for inspiration. You have to go after it with a club.
JACK LONDON Yes, Haven, most of us enjoy preaching, and Ive got such a bully pulpit!
THEODORE ROOSEVELT Many atrocities, have been done in the name of the greater good.
SARAH J. MAAS I think I tried to separate indoors and out. And so when he beat me indoors, I did not see that as l...
RALPH BOSTON - I tak nieźle sobie pożyłem.
- Co to za życie? – powiedział ojciec.- Nic tylko kłamstw...
CHARLES BUKOWSKI The man does not beat your head because you got a Cadillac or because you got a Ford; he beats you b...
H. RAP BROWN It was a good pitch [fastball, low and away], ... That was the only thing ... If I got beat on it, I...
BOB WICKMAN Speaking about Roger Federer: "The best way to beat him would be to hit him over the head with a rac...
ROD LAVER Why ruin my sister's birthday simply because the entire planet was going to hell in a hand basket?
T.C. BOYLE I hung out at Uncle Phil's Club Madrid nightspot where my mother was a waitress and my grandmother s...
JOHN CORBETT The thing about Josh is he does not beat himself. He throws strikes, he moves the ball in and out. I...
MIKE SEVIER I've got a late-'30s Marx Coal and Cola truck,
TOM FULLER The issue isn't whether he loved you, it's how much. Too much. Love can be poison
SARAH J. MAAS I am broken and healing, but every piece of my heart belong to you.
SARAH J. MAAS He thinks he'll be remembered as the villain in the story. But I forgot to tell him that the villain...
SARAH J. MAAS Night gathers, and now my watch begins. It shall not end until my death. I shall take no wife, hold ...
GEORGE R.R. MARTIN Hodor," said Hodor.
GEORGE R.R. MARTIN You do what you love, what you need
SARAH J. MAAS I turned.
Rhysand leaned against the archway into the sitting room, arms crossed, wings nowhere...
SARAH J. MAAS You have to understand, we went through the same thing last year. I was out there, I got hurt; Jerom...
DUCE STALEY I'm never glad the season is over. I just got finished crying, and I had to blow my nose before I ca...
JANELLE COOPER He was so ready and so focused and so determined to beat him. He had it in his mind that he was goin...
TOM ARLIS I don't care to join and club that's prepared to have me as a member.
GROUCHO MARX It took a while, but we finally got a win, ... And it was a good team to beat.
JACK QUINN If you catch yourself wondering why you want more of the world and you're not satisfied with God, it...
CRAIG GROESCHEL People always ask, 'Man, why don't you come out and enjoy it? Why don't you celebrate? W...
J. J. WATT It takes more than just a good looking body. You've got to have the heart and soul to go with it...
LEE HANEY It takes more than just a good looking body. You've got to have the heart and soul to go with it...
EPICTETUS My dad gave me a haircut... and it wasn't a very good one. When I went out of the house, my frie...
CHILI DAVIS When people begin to define the things that they believe in, based upon the exclusion of all the thi...
C. JOYBELL C. I'm really excited to join the PGM because coming out of college, it gives you a head start in the g...
ANDREW LEWIS You can't wait for inspiration. You have to go after it with a club.
JACK LONDON It's fantastic for Arsenal, and for English football as well. You've got an English club wit...
DENNIS BERGKAMP Look to your heart and soul first, rather than looking to your head first, when choosing. Rather tha...
JEFFREY R. ANDERSON Dana and Chris always said they were elected to a club they never wanted to join.
MAGGIE GOLDBERG

More Groucho Marx

I remember the first time I had sex - I kept the receipt.
GROUCHO MARX The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made.
GROUCHO MARX Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.
GROUCHO MARX I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.
GROUCHO MARX Well, Art is Art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water. And east is east and west ...
GROUCHO MARX I intend to live forever, or die trying.
GROUCHO MARX I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.
GROUCHO MARX Either he's dead or my watch has stopped.
GROUCHO MARX I worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty.
GROUCHO MARX Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?
GROUCHO MARX Only one man in a thousand is a leader of men--the other 999 follow women.
GROUCHO MARX Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows, marriage does.
GROUCHO MARX One of the best hearing aids a man can have is an attentive wife.
GROUCHO MARX Wives are people who feel they don't dance enough.
GROUCHO MARX No man goes before his time -- unless the boss leaves early.
GROUCHO MARX Time flies like an arrow, fruit flies like a banana.
GROUCHO MARX The trouble with writing a book about yourself is that you can't fool around. If you write about som...
GROUCHO MARX Practically everybody in New York has half a mind to write a book, and does.
GROUCHO MARX From the moment I picked up your book until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day...
GROUCHO MARX The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his checkbook open
GROUCHO MARX Just give me a comfortable couch, a dog, a good book, and a woman. Then if you can get the dog to go...
GROUCHO MARX I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and...
GROUCHO MARX I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yes...
GROUCHO MARX I am so broke, I can't even afford to fill up my bicycle.
GROUCHO MARX How does the healthy dog bark? Ruff Ruff.
How does the cold dog bark ? Scarf Scarf.
How...
GROUCHO MARX I think it is good that books still exist, but they do make me sleepy.
GROUCHO MARX I have a new philosophy. I'm only going to dread one day at a time.
GROUCHO MARX Insurance is like marriage. You pay, pay, pay, and you never get anything back.
GROUCHO MARX Friends are chocolate chips in the cookie of life!
GROUCHO MARX What did the dog say after walking in the desert for hours? If I don't find a tree soon I'm gonna p...
GROUCHO MARX I'm a Nillionaire. I have little to no money!
GROUCHO MARX One of the great things about books is sometimes there are some fantastic pictures.
GROUCHO MARX If aliens saw us walking our dogs and picking up their poop, who would they think is in charge?
GROUCHO MARX A child of five could understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.
GROUCHO MARX I've had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.
GROUCHO MARX When you're in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell...
GROUCHO MARX Blessed are the cracked, for they shall let in the light.
GROUCHO MARX Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.
GROUCHO MARX I worked myself up from nothing to extreme poverty.
GROUCHO MARX Look at me. I worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty.
GROUCHO MARX Please accept my resignation. I don't care to belong to any club that will have me as a member.
GROUCHO MARX If you've heard this story before, don't stop me, because I'd like to hear it again.
GROUCHO MARX Although it is generally known, I think it's about time to announce that I was born at a very early ...
GROUCHO MARX I won't belong to any organization that would have me as a member.
GROUCHO MARX I never forget a face, but in your case I'll make an exception.
GROUCHO MARX There is one way to find out if a man is honest; ask him! If he says yes you know he's crooked.
GROUCHO MARX There is no sweeter sound than the crumbling of ones fellow man.
GROUCHO MARX I eat like a vulture. Unfortunately the resemblance doesn't end there.
GROUCHO MARX Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.
GROUCHO MARX Paying alimony is like feeding hay to a dead horse.
GROUCHO MARX I did toy with the idea of doing a cook-book. The recipes were to be the routine ones: how to make d...
GROUCHO MARX A clown is like aspirin, only he works twice as fast.
GROUCHO MARX I'm leaving because the weather is too good. I hate London when it's not raining.
GROUCHO MARX My mother loved children--she would have given anything if I had been one.
GROUCHO MARX Whoever named it necking is a poor judge of anatomy.
GROUCHO MARX No man goes before his time / unless the boss leaves early.
GROUCHO MARX The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made. Life is a ...
GROUCHO MARX Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it, misdiagnosing it, and then misapplying the w...
GROUCHO MARX No one is completely unhappy at the failure of his best friend.
GROUCHO MARX While money can't buy happiness, it certainly lets you choose your own form of misery.
GROUCHO MARX I find television very educational. Every time someone switches it on I go into another room and rea...
GROUCHO MARX If you've heard this story before, don't stop me, because I'd like to hear it again.
GROUCHO MARX The first thing which I can record concerning myself is, that I was born. These are wonderful words....
GROUCHO MARX Alimony is like buying hay for a dead horse.
GROUCHO MARX I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.
GROUCHO MARX Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him.
GROUCHO MARX Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.
GROUCHO MARX Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you.
GROUCHO MARX In Hollywood, brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom.
GROUCHO MARX I must confess, I was born at a very early age.
GROUCHO MARX I have a mind to join a club and beat you over the head with it.
GROUCHO MARX She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon.
GROUCHO MARX I'm not feeling very well - I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course.
GROUCHO MARX A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running.
GROUCHO MARX Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?
GROUCHO MARX All people are born alike - except Republicans and Democrats.
GROUCHO MARX From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I...
GROUCHO MARX I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it.
GROUCHO MARX Before I speak, I have something important to say.
GROUCHO MARX Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.
GROUCHO MARX I didn't like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions - the curtain was up.
GROUCHO MARX Getting older is no problem. You just have to live long enough.
GROUCHO MARX Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted.
GROUCHO MARX A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere.
GROUCHO MARX I won't belong to any organization that would have me as a member.
GROUCHO MARX Please accept my resignation. I don't care to belong to any club that will have me as a member.
GROUCHO MARX No man goes before his time - unless the boss leaves early.
GROUCHO MARX I'm leaving because the weather is too good. I hate London when it's not raining.
GROUCHO MARX Humor is reason gone mad.
GROUCHO MARX One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know.
GROUCHO MARX Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others.
GROUCHO MARX I wish to be cremated. One tenth of my ashes shall be given to my agent, as written in our contract.
GROUCHO MARX I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.
GROUCHO MARX I have nothing but respect for you -- and not much of that.
GROUCHO MARX He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot but don't let that fool you. He really is an idiot.
GROUCHO MARX I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
GROUCHO MARX I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yes...
GROUCHO MARX Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and app...
GROUCHO MARX I've got the brain of a four year old. I'll bet he was glad to be rid of it.
GROUCHO MARX Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows - marriage does.
GROUCHO MARX Hollywood brides keep the bouquets and throw away the grooms.
GROUCHO MARX Please accept my resignation. I don't care to belong to any club that will have me as a member.
GROUCHO MARX I don’t have a photograph, but you can have my footprints. They’re upstairs in my socks.
GROUCHO MARX Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy.
GROUCHO MARX All geniuses die young.
GROUCHO MARX There's one way to find out if a man is honest - ask him. If he says, 'Yes,' you know he...
GROUCHO MARX I read in the newspapers they are going to have 30 minutes of intellectual stuff on television every...
GROUCHO MARX We in the industry know that behind every successful screenwriter stands a woman. And behind her sta...
GROUCHO MARX I find television very educational. The minute somebody turns it on, I go to the library and read a ...
GROUCHO MARX She got her good looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon.
GROUCHO MARX The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his checkbook open.
GROUCHO MARX I do not care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.
GROUCHO MARX No one is completely unhappy at the failure of his best friend.
GROUCHO MARX My mother loved children - she would have given anything if I had been one.
GROUCHO MARX There is no sweeter sound than the crumbling of one's fellow man.
GROUCHO MARX She's afraid that if she leaves, she'll become the live of the party.
GROUCHO MARX I'd horsewhip you if I had a horse.
GROUCHO MARX In America you can go on the air and kid the politicians, and the politicians can go on the air and ...
GROUCHO MARX Practically everybody in New York has half a mind to write a book -and does
GROUCHO MARX From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I...
GROUCHO MARX Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
GROUCHO MARX Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others.
GROUCHO MARX There's one way to find out if a man is honest-ask him. If he says, "Yes," you know he is a crook.
GROUCHO MARX She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon.
GROUCHO MARX Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.
GROUCHO MARX Money frees you from doing things you dislike. Since I dislike doing nearly everything, money is han...
GROUCHO MARX Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.
GROUCHO MARX It isn't necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to be unhappy.
GROUCHO MARX I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it.
GROUCHO MARX I sent the club a wire stating, PLEASE ACCEPT MY RESIGNATION. I DON'T WANT TO BELONG TO ANY CLUB THA...
GROUCHO MARX I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.
GROUCHO MARX I could dance with you until the cows come home. On second thought I'd rather dance with the cows ...
GROUCHO MARX Go, and never darken my towels again.
GROUCHO MARX From the moment I picked up your book until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day ...
GROUCHO MARX Either this man is dead or my watch has stopped.
GROUCHO MARX Age is not a particularly interesting subject. Anyone can get old. All you have to do is live long e...
GROUCHO MARX My mother loved children -- she would have given anything if I had been one.
GROUCHO MARX A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.
GROUCHO MARX We dont like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out. Well, art is art, isnt it? Still, on t...
GROUCHO MARX I don't have a photograph, but you can have my footprints. They're upstairs in my socks.
GROUCHO MARX Women should be obscene and not heard.
GROUCHO MARX Please accept my resignation. I don't want to belong to any club that will accept me as a member.
GROUCHO MARX Wives are people who feel they don't dance enough
GROUCHO MARX I was going to thrash them within an inch of their lives, but I didn't have a tape measure
GROUCHO MARX The secret of success is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake those, you’ve got it made.”
GROUCHO MARX Why should I care about posterity? What's posterity ever done for me?
GROUCHO MARX My favourite poem is the one that starts 'Thirty days hath September' because it actually tells you ...
GROUCHO MARX My favourite poem is the one that starts 'Thirty days hath September' because it actually te...
GROUCHO MARX Love flies out the door when money comes innuendo.
GROUCHO MARX If income tax is the price you have to pay to keep the government on its feet, alimony is the price ...
GROUCHO MARX Don’t ever underestimate the importance of money. I know it’s often been said that money won’t...
GROUCHO MARX I must say I find television very educational. The minute somebody turns it on, I go to the library ...
GROUCHO MARX You've got the brain of a four-year-old boy, and I bet he was glad to get rid of it
GROUCHO MARX Wives are people who feel they don't dance enough.
GROUCHO MARX Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.
GROUCHO MARX [When Judy Garland lost the 1954 best actress Oscar to Grace Kelly in] The Country Girl, ... Dear Ju...
GROUCHO MARX I was so long writing my review that I never got around to reading the book.
GROUCHO MARX Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows, marriage does
GROUCHO MARX Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana
GROUCHO MARX Money will not make you happy, and happy will not make you money
GROUCHO MARX Only one man in a thousand is a leader of men, the other 999 follow women
GROUCHO MARX A man is only as old as the woman he feels.
GROUCHO MARX Here's to our wives and girlfriends...may they never meet!
GROUCHO MARX Some people claim that marriage interferes with romance. There's no doubt about it. Anytime you have...
GROUCHO MARX If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.
GROUCHO MARX Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn't arrived yet. I have just one day, and I'm going to be happy in it...
GROUCHO MARX I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.
GROUCHO MARX If you're not having fun, you're doing something wrong.
GROUCHO MARX One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got in my pajamas I'll never know.
GROUCHO MARX Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.
GROUCHO MARX Learn from the mistakes of others. You can never live long enough to make them all yourself.
GROUCHO MARX From the moment I picked up your book until I put it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I...
GROUCHO MARX It isn't necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to be unhappy.
GROUCHO MARX Please accept my resignation. I don't want to belong to any club that will accept me as a member
GROUCHO MARX I did toy with the idea of doing a cook-book. . . . I think a lot of people who hate literature but ...
GROUCHO MARX Why, I'd horse-whip you if I had a horse.
GROUCHO MARX I'm giving you 30 days to live.
GROUCHO MARX She's afraid that if she leaves, she'll become the life of the party
GROUCHO MARX Believe me, you have to get up early if you want to get out of bed
GROUCHO MARX A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke.
GROUCHO MARX And I want to thank you for all the enjoyment you've taken out of it.
GROUCHO MARX Remember, we're fighting for this woman's honor, which is probably far more than she's ever done!
GROUCHO MARX Hey, when I said work fast, I didn't mean your friend, I meant the maid.
GROUCHO MARX Marriage is a wonderful institution...but who wants to live in an institution?
GROUCHO MARX I have nothing but confidence in you, and very little of that
GROUCHO MARX A man's only as old as the woman he feels.
GROUCHO MARX Blood's not thicker than money
GROUCHO MARX I didn't like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions - the curtain was up.
GROUCHO MARX Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!
GROUCHO MARX The only real laughter comes from despair.
GROUCHO MARX Q: What do you get when you cross an insomniac, an agnostic, and a dyslexic?
A: Someone who stay...
GROUCHO MARX Either this man is dead or my watch has stopped.
GROUCHO MARX Outside of a dog, a man's best friend is a book. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.
GROUCHO MARX Why a four-year-old child could understand this report. Run out and find me a four-year-old child. I...
GROUCHO MARX I cannot say that I do not disagree with you
GROUCHO MARX I would never belong to a group that would accept someone like me as a member.
GROUCHO MARX Years ago, I tried to top everybody, but I don't anymore, I realized it was killing conversation. Wh...
GROUCHO MARX Remember men, we're fighting for this woman's honor; which is probably more than she ever did.
GROUCHO MARX I won't belong to any organization that would have me as a member
GROUCHO MARX Did I ever tell you how I shot a wild elephant in my pyjamas? How he got into my pyjamas I'll never ...
GROUCHO MARX