There are some extremely acceptable male comedians out there: Joel Osteen, Abraham Lincoln, the man who played Phil Spector in HBO's 'Phil Spector.' But even those guys, while insightful and amusing, aren't exactly funny.
Ellie Kemper
Related The Beatles, the Rolling Stones and Phil Spector. Those were my idols. BRIAN WILSON I never had a particular sound. There was no Lou Adler sound like there's a Phil Spector sound. ... LOU ADLER I can tell you that you will have your hearts broken more by the people you love than by the people ... MARGARET PETERSON HADDIX The Phil Spector that I would meet has always been a nice, quiet, little guy who's very serious ... BEN E. KING It's kind of like I'm Phil Spector, and I'm forcing a young girl to make pop music and p... GRIMES Are you taking us to the beach?" - Dan Cahill JUDE WATSON Let's head out to the ruins." - Dan Cahill ROLAND SMITH You just have to find a lawyer that won't let you sign certain things - and I mean the fine prin... DARLENE LOVE It looks ancient," - Amy Cahill JUDE WATSON It SMELLS ancient," - Dan Cahill JUDE WATSON Palm trees were fanned by a warm, light breeze, and they rolled down their windows to smell the sea. JUDE WATSON About f-f-ace!" she said to the horse, flailing with her boots. "Into the barn, please. It's time fo... PETER LERANGIS You see?" Damien leaned over his desk and spread out half a dozen charcoal sketches. "These are only... RICK RIORDAN There's something that's sexy about a guy who has the strength to kill somebody, but is also... EVAN PETERS I think, for a long time, people thought I was a figment of Phil Spector's imagination because t... DARLENE LOVE I think there are different kinds of comedians, and I prefer the clowns who are going: 'I'm ... MIRANDA HART I'm still a big 'Grey's Anatomy' fan. BROOKE ELLIOTT I used to watch 'Grey's Anatomy' pretty religiously. ERINN HAYES There is some humour in 'Family Values.' I don't want everyone to think it's not goi... WENDY COPE Skipp and Spector's 'Books of the Dead' were huge influences on me as a writer. CULLEN BUNN I've got a few ideas," (Amy) admitted. "But I don't know where we're going in the long term. I mean ... RICK RIORDAN Alas, I think I am becoming a god. TITUS Some men by ancestry are only the shadow of a mighty name. LUCAN I have a wife, I have sons: all of them hostages given to fate. LUCAN Spector is a good guy, but he's a nut. Ha, ha, ha! You know, I love him, but he's unpredicta... IKE TURNER There are female artists I can look at that I find more in common with than the male artists, becaus... ADAM LAMBERT When I came back to California in the early '60s I was hanging out with Jimmy Bowen, Phil Specto... JOHNNY RIVERS There's guys like me who aren't going to the theater, so distributors are leaving money on t... DANA BRUNETTI Phil Hartman was brilliant, and Dave Foley is a really funny guy. Phil Hartman was actually even fun... JOE ROGAN There's a lot of complacency in philanthropy. People figure organizations are trying to do good,... DUSTIN MOSKOVITZ I'm Phil Knight, and I don't believe in advertising. PHIL KNIGHT Don't have to see," the pilot grunted. "Olga knows the way." "Funny name for an aircraft... GORDON KORMAN I am so thankful for the genius of Phil Spector, for his recognition of my talent to be the main voi... DARLENE LOVE Yes, some women are funny. No, some women aren't funny. It's similar to how some women are t... ELLIE KEMPER Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end. SENECA Drunkenness is nothing but voluntary madness. SENECA We never reflect how pleasant it is to ask for nothing. SENECA Just as I shall select my ship when I am about to go on a voyage, or my house when I propose to take... SENECA Begin at once to live, and count each separate day as a separate life. SENECA Luck is where opportunity meets preparation. SENECA Friendship always benefits; love sometimes injures. SENECA I always find Victoria's Secret models a bit weird. EDIE CAMPBELL I tend to head for what's amusing because a lot of things aren't happy. But usually you can ... MAGGIE SMITH Criminals are never very amusing. It's because they're failures. Those who make real money a... ORSON WELLES That's what's great about baseball: some people are exceptional at the game, but still, even... TOM GUIRY It's funny, oftentimes the really great roles that I enjoy are in classic plays, and there aren&... LAILA ROBINS There just aren't many little guys who are good actors. They don't get the training; they do... KENNY BAKER I know somebody from university who's called Phil Collins, and I think there's something ter... DAVID WALLIAMS It's really irritating. Even people who like my work sometimes come up to me and say, 'I usu... CHELSEA PERETTI There's innovation in Linux. There are some really good technical features that I'm proud of... LINUS TORVALDS There are so few women in general who aren't completely threatened and confused by other women... SANDRA BERNHARD The blues is played everywhere. There's no place I've been where they don't have blues o... TAJ MAHAL 'Saturday Night Live' is a very particular beast. What it celebrates are individuals who can... CHRIS PARNELL It's a real man who can go out with a woman who's taller than he is. That's an alpha mal... MIRANDA HART I think of all the things that I've gotten to do, all the wonderful people that I've played ... PAUL SHAFFER Some people are really proud of me, and some don't like it. I don't really know what to tell... BRYSON TILLER Some days, I'd feel better with Punxsutawney Phil in the Oval Office - at least he doesn't l... MOLLY IVINS I'm proud to say that I was that guy playing the character of Dr. Burke on 'Grey's Anato... ISAIAH WASHINGTON You can't get big in hockey. You need to be pliable... they've even taken fighting out of th... BRETT HULL I get tired of comedies where there are a bunch of funny guys and a beautiful woman who doesn't ... PATRICK NESS Children will be children, and they're inquisitive. If teenagers want to know what's out the... KEELEY HAWES With some CGI, I think the brain slightly perceives that things aren't real. There's no grav... NICK PARK Comedians don't laugh. They're too busy analyzing why it's funny or not. JAMES LIPTON It just so happens that people aren't doing comedy about abortion or cannibalism or waterboardin... ROB MCELHENNEY There are a lot of guys who play in the NBA. There aren't a lot of guys who have a chance to win... JAMES HARDEN I've always believed that there are funny people everywhere, but they're just not comedians.... STEVE MARTIN Players aren't quite as mercenary as people make them out to be. Some of them are but some aren&... DAVID GILL You know, Lincoln was funny. I don't think F.D.R. was very funny. But Lincoln was funny. Lincoln... AL FRANKEN There aren't that many female role models in science. There are a couple of women, but mostly yo... ELISE ANDREW I don't do talk shows or go on Dr. Phil's show. He's a friend of mine, and, no, he doesn... RON WHITE Some of my fans don't really like it when I respond to people who say things that are trying to ... RICKIE FOWLER Some people say I'm unique, that there aren't other people with schizophrenia like me. Well,... ELYN SAKS It's absolutely wrong that I don't want guys to challenge me. And the people who say that ar... MICHAEL JORDAN If there's one theme in all my work, it's about authenticity and self-expression. It's t... BERNARD WILLIAMS Some people think that there aren't many Aboriginal actors around, and if there are, they're... DEBORAH MAILMAN There's no place in the world you can go and not hear rock-and-roll, from Michael Jackson and St... AHMET ERTEGUN I'm not interested in being one of those comedians who wants to look good and be this 'cool&... CHRIS LILLEY Before 'Grey's Anatomy,' I was doing musicals, plays, commercials, you name it. CHANDRA WILSON You re-watch 'Napoleon Dynamite', and there's a lot of thrift shopping that goes on in t... AL MADRIGAL Throughout my career I've played a lot of parts that might've been played by a man. They'... EDIE FALCO Those people who shun us just because of the label we're on, or the fact that we've got a vi... JOEL MADDEN I'm happy to say that I'm a lesbian in the world. I know there are people who don't want... KATE CLINTON I've always had a soft spot for Phil Collins. He's a great vocalist. BEN GIBBARD There's lots of things that can't make it in the world that are worth making. There are lots... DANA SPIOTTA Most people who make threats don't follow through. The most dangerous people are often those who... SUSAN ESTRICH I'd say Jon Stewart has remained funny the entire time. Jon always makes it funny first. And he&... NORM MACDONALD Some white people are privileged, some aren't. Some black people are, some aren't. It's ... TUCKER CARLSON People are thrown off by someone who looks feminine, but is also strong. It's not that pretty gi... PADMA LAKSHMI I believe there's - now, don't get me wrong; I'm not prejudiced - there's some white... CHARLIE SIFFORD Yes, President Abraham Lincoln was a Republican, but a hundred years later, the Republican Party was... DONNA BRAZILE I read a funny story about how the Republicans freed the slaves. The Republicans are the ones who cr... MARION BARRY Comedians and impressionists used to be two different showbiz animals entirely, but now there's ... JOHN PODHORETZ The importance of satire is bringing more people to the table. There are a lot of average citizens w... BASSEM YOUSSEF There's so many, 'no, black people aren't like that' barriers in mainstream media. ISSA RAE For those who don't like Dave Letterman, there's Jay Leno; and for those who like neither, t... TOM SHALES While 'The Middle' is still funny for adults to watch, there aren't sex jokes. And I'... NEIL FLYNN There is such a suspicion in today's world of people who do more than one thing, who aren't ... ESA-PEKKA SALONEN Ava DuVernay is my personal Phil Jackson. She's a perfect coach. OMAR DORSEY My roomate at 'Harvey' is this guy Morgan Spector, an actor in town, and I've taught him... RICH SOMMER What's interesting about Laurel and Hardy is that in most comedy teams, there's a straight m... CHRISTOPHER GUEST
More Ellie Kemper
I'm a morning bird. I love getting up before it's light out if it's possible. I wake up,... ELLIE KEMPER A man's face is not a rich person's lawn; you are wasting resources if you devote that much ... ELLIE KEMPER I am fully anticipating that something - perhaps many things - will not go according to plan on our ... ELLIE KEMPER I need to make sure that when I'm running out to the drugstore I'm not wearing a Biore strip... ELLIE KEMPER It took two months from the day my fiance proposed to my first Google search for 'wedding planni... ELLIE KEMPER If I'm alone, I tend to cook for myself. I do a pretty good job of preparing healthful foods. My... ELLIE KEMPER I joined an improv comedy group. Ours was named 'Quick Fire!' with an exclamation point. It ... ELLIE KEMPER I love, love, love, love, love, love Naeem Khan. Every dress he makes looks like it belongs in a mus... ELLIE KEMPER Men, who certainly possess not only the savvy but also the know-how to be funny, for some reason, ar... ELLIE KEMPER I have found I'm leaning toward more vibrant colors because I'm so happy in them. ELLIE KEMPER I love coffee, but I have to make sure I don't have more than one cup a day because I'm alre... ELLIE KEMPER Growing up, I had one very specific idea of what a wedding should be, and that was the wedding of Fr... ELLIE KEMPER I think, regardless of gender, women and men need to be brave, take chances with their work, and be ... ELLIE KEMPER I like healthful foods, but I'm from the Midwest, so I like food that's been around longer. ELLIE KEMPER I always have ice cream in the house. I have a bowl of it, and then a bit more. One of the greatest ... ELLIE KEMPER I have given myself dork shivers so many times that I would be an outright liar if I characterized m... ELLIE KEMPER I think New Yorkers are some of the friendliest people in the world, but it just comes out in a diff... ELLIE KEMPER Yes, some women are funny. No, some women aren't funny. It's similar to how some women are t... ELLIE KEMPER I look forward to physical activity; it's a release from stress and a nice distraction. It puts ... ELLIE KEMPER I wrote comedy sketches in college. ELLIE KEMPER The weekend after 'Kimmy' started streaming on Netflix, I did notice a definite difference i... ELLIE KEMPER I can't do impressions. ELLIE KEMPER If you're tired, you shouldn't make yourself exercise. Take a nap instead. It's about ge... ELLIE KEMPER New York is like the weirdest city in the United States, in a great way, and Los Angeles is probably... ELLIE KEMPER I do love irony. It’s so…complicated and coincidental. CASSANDRA KEMPER What we have is better than nothing, but it may not be sufficient to save the lake. LAURI KEMPER If there is no case to take care of, then you will take care to create a case to take care of. Other... OLIVER KEMPER Soup, cereal and peanut butter are the three main things we need. They are the things we need the mo... LISA KEMPER It's absolutely pathetic that we haven't treated our citizens better just in getting to these facili... KEMPER FREEMAN I’m a threat to anything that hurts Wonderland, including indifference. CASSANDRA KEMPER Our St. Louis customers, in a metropolitan area of 2.6 million people, will benefit with increased c... DAVID KEMPER The Columbia/central Missouri region continues to be a key growth market for our company. The acquis... DAVID KEMPER We're not a downtown, high-rise type of firm. This is a perfect solution for our people and our clie... DAVID KEMPER We need diapers badly. We're the only organization in this area that provides diapers. LISA KEMPER Change happens a lot more than you acknowledge... CASSANDRA KEMPER I do not understand how you know you only have one life if you have never died, because if you have ... CASSANDRA KEMPER You know…it always seems obvious to outsiders when someone is doing something wrong, but when your... CASSANDRA KEMPER We are all looking forward to seeing the results from these studies. That's what everyone wants to k... LAURI KEMPER We added some verbiage that water quality (should be protected) for purposes of human enjoyment as w... LAURI KEMPER If we think it got into the storm drain, depending on where it goes, we might require ground water m... LAURI KEMPER For every $1 donated, we can get $10 worth of food, and for every $1, we can feed 5.5 meals. LISA KEMPER Bill Greiner is very deserving of this recognition. This award speaks volumes to the expertise that ... MARINER KEMPER 2005 was a year of growth and improved financial performance for our company. 2006 will be a year in... MARINER KEMPER I'm obsessed with the countryside: woods, forests, fields, lakes, mountains. I'm really into... ELLIE GOULDING I'm really proud of 'Bright Lights' because I was still in the mind frame of my first al... ELLIE GOULDING I feel like my figure is a challenge because I'm quite flat chested but I've got a booty so ... ELLIE GOULDING I'm never happy with my face, my hair, I haven't really got any boobs and I'm not really... ELLIE GOULDING I couldn't really relate much to my younger sister, because she was born in 1992, and I was born... ELLIE GOULDING 'I Know You Care' is really personal and fragile for me. For me, it's about losing a fam... ELLIE GOULDING WARNING: Humor may be hazardous to your illness. ELLIE KATZ By the time I got writing 'Halcyon,' I was on a roll, and I realized I had so much to write ... ELLIE GOULDING I never expected to get the Tom Jones treatment and it amazes me that I do. Strangely it's women... ELLIE GOULDING When I sing along with Britney Spears I will sing in an American accent. But eventually I found my o... ELLIE GOULDING There are so many things to think about when you make an album. Like, who am I trying to impress? Am... ELLIE GOULDING My guiltiest pleasure is... chocolates with strawberry cream and trashy television - 'Geordie Sh... ELLIE GOULDING Gwen Stefani has amazing style. I used to really love Courtney Love, and anything she wore I loved. ... ELLIE GOULDING Every day I'd say I look different. Sometimes I look really formal, sometimes I love the classic... ELLIE GOULDING It's so important to take vitamins. People always get ill on tour because of the close proximity... ELLIE GOULDING I turn and run, watching my feet trample a massacre of weeds. I mourn them. The only thing that grow... ELLIE LIEBERMAN As a kid I'd lie awake at night and convince myself that a meteor was about to hit the Earth. It... ELLIE GOULDING I got a random tattoo the other day. It's a red triangle, which makes everyone think I'm art... ELLIE GOULDING I still love the skinny jeans thing and I wear my favorite leather jacket constantly. I like being k... ELLIE GOULDING You and a select few of your ancestors, including your mother, are special protectors of your realm,... ELLIE ELISABETH I've got a song called 'Salt Skin' because when you run in the heat it evaporates and yo... ELLIE GOULDING My mum was too busy raising four of us to encourage my hopes. But I'm glad I had the upbringing ... ELLIE GOULDING I can fall in love in a simple way, but I can dissect it in such an intense fashion when it ends. ELLIE GOULDING We are encouraging people to come down and support the downtown. ELLIE ACAMPORA Sending e-mail helps to cut down the cost of First Friday, things like advertising and flyers. We're... ELLIE ACAMPORA We're establishing an e-mail list to let people know about the events. We're going to use the list t... ELLIE ACAMPORA It's about getting mad, getting crazy. ELLIE ACAMPORA Warning: Humor may be hazardous to your illness ELLIE KATZ I want to be safe in the knowledge that I can tour and play festivals for a long time. The main thin... ELLIE GOULDING Cover versions, that's my forte, that's all I ever used to do. When you play your own songs,... ELLIE GOULDING I'm a bit of a like girly-girl, really, I like flowery stuff. ELLIE GOULDING The world is your playground. Why aren't you playing? ELLIE KATZ I guess I'm just quite observant and I pay attention to a lot of things. Human behavior really f... ELLIE GOULDING Since I met Starsmith, my producer, I really feel like I'm making music because we write it toge... ELLIE GOULDING Apparently I'm introspective... levelheaded... but at the same time, absolutely insane. ELLIE GOULDING I met Prince William at a musical festival and he let me know he was a fan of my music. But the invi... ELLIE GOULDING I used to make my manager Jamie not tell me where I was going to be the next day, because I was so a... ELLIE GOULDING Lauryn Hill is quite political and is very bold and isn't afraid of wearing her heart on her sle... ELLIE GOULDING Ever since I've been young I've been fascinated by the human body. I've written songs ab... ELLIE GOULDING In an ideal world, I'd like to carry on acting, but I don't want it to interfere with my stu... ELLIE KENDRICK I've changed the way I look a bit but not intentionally. I've cut my hair. I've got a bi... ELLIE GOULDING I was super brainy and a proper geek at school, but there would always be a boy. But that sort of ob... ELLIE GOULDING Breakups just hit you harder when you're younger. When I was a teenager, it felt like the most d... ELLIE GOULDING A true friend is one you can go extended periods without seeing or talking to, yet the moment that y... ELLIE WADE Everyone loves a slice of period-drama-pie, but I think the success of 'Upstairs Downstairs'... ELLIE KENDRICK Drake, I'd like to collaborate with. He's a phenomenal lyricist. Probably the best rapper in... ELLIE GOULDING My hairdresser in the U.K., Adam Reed, has his own line, Percy and Reed, and it's really good. A... ELLIE GOULDING On stage I have to be comfortable because I play guitar so I can't wear too much jewellery, it k... ELLIE GOULDING I started getting these attacks in 2009, just as my music career was taking off. I'd be doing ph... ELLIE GOULDING I got approached by SoBe a few months ago about being an ambassador and I learned about the previous... ELLIE GOULDING Erik wondered if they saw the irony of such a tiny complex expecting to find the cure from the very ... ELLIE LIEBERMAN It kind of surprised me. I didn't train too hard, because I didn't want to overdo it. It worked. ELLIE WEBERG Two things I'm obsessed with are the countryside and fields and being in the open space and body... ELLIE GOULDING I love prints of skulls and bones and have some taxidermy - a crow and a rabbit - to remind me of ho... ELLIE GOULDING I never thought that I could make a living out of my voice, to be completely honest. I thought that ... ELLIE GOULDING I start really missing London when I go away. I have a little flat, but very central. I live above a... ELLIE GOULDING You should constantly write because your writing is always evolving and progressing. It's really... ELLIE GOULDING The nature of how we are as human beings is that we're much more interested in being critical ra... ELLIE GOULDING We have a much larger committee now with about 25 active, enthusiastic volunteers. The executive com... ELLIE PALADINE I maintain that when I finally retire from my career in music, I will go and live back in Wales - wh... ELLIE GOULDING The only day I remember of my parents' marriage was the day my dad walked out. As I stood there ... ELLIE GOULDING I used to be obsessed with Pearl Jam, but I love having pink hair and kind of looking like a Barbie. ELLIE GOULDING I'm not afraid, as a writer, of being emotional. I'm obsessed with human emotion, body parts... ELLIE GOULDING After shows my face feels dirty with makeup and sweat, especially in the smaller venues, so it feels... ELLIE GOULDING It's usually a big kind of vent of frustration or anger or sadness that puts me in the right fra... ELLIE GOULDING I love pink - pink's my favourite. I hardly ever - weirdly - wear it, but I love the colour pink... ELLIE GOULDING It was a step back. I took the summer off. It was a mistake, but I think I've learned from it. ELLIE WEBERG None of the other girls made it and I was just kind of ready for the season to be done after the con... ELLIE WEBERG I'm much more excited this time. I'm older and smarter. ELLIE WEBERG We won last year but it wasn't an easy game. Richland Center is a very good ball club. They've prove... ELLIE RADKE I think he deserves it all. He's done an extremely good job with us. He got us through different sit... ELLIE RADKE Becca has stepped it up all year. She has been a big defensive force for us all year and we look to ... ELLIE RADKE That shot was huge. I think the atmosphere got to her a little but she played through it...and that'... ELLIE RADKE It's kind of a reality check. Not that's it's ever a good thing. But it shows us that we are beatabl... ELLIE RADKE We shot a lot better than we did the first time (at Edgewood). That first game was one of our lowest... ELLIE RADKE This feels great. We had to come out strong, and the first half didn't go the way we wanted it to, b... ELLIE RADKE I don't think we'll have to change anything (from the first game). Just by having more practice and ... ELLIE RADKE We knew they were bringing down some fan buses. But we didn't think there would be that many. ELLIE RADKE We try to do something new every year for the tournament and its activities. It's for a good cause a... ELLIE PALADINE We're hoping to at least meet, if not exceed, last year's amount. The clinic has moved to a new faci... ELLIE PALADINE Weird thing is, nobody's really sure why a 55-gallon oil drum can be crafted into a musical instrume... ELLIE MANNETTE They called me Cairo. We were teenage gang members, all viewed as social outcasts until Shell took a... ELLIE MANNETTE We just got an image of a woman who made a bikini out of Peeps. ELLIE DEARDORFF The wax is what the eyes are made of -- they're totally edible. ELLIE DEARDORFF The country's just crazy about these. People do the weirdest things with Peeps. I think we've seen i... ELLIE DEARDORFF I instinctively dress a bit tougher because I've spent a lot of time in the U.S. and I realised ... ELLIE GOULDING I wrote 'Lights' a long, long time ago. And I expected it to be on the album, because it was... ELLIE GOULDING There are plenty of bands who never get in the charts and it doesn't mean that they're not a... ELLIE GOULDING I'm not stupid and I'm not brainy. I just lack execution sometimes. I'm more of a "I should ha... ELLIE WILLIAMS Even when I'm in quite a happy state of mind, I like writing really sad songs. I think a lot of ... ELLIE GOULDING Now I'm dreaming, will I ever find you now? I walk in circles but I'll never figure out Wh... ELLIE GOULDING I feel more confident if my makeup looks good. ELLIE GOULDING I never thought I'd say the sentence 'It was a real honour' - because that implies that ... ELLIE GOULDING I suffer panic attacks which has made me really conscious about my fitness and I have become addicte... ELLIE GOULDING My favourite people to follow on Twitter are... my fans. They make me laugh so much and keep me smil... ELLIE GOULDING I want to be more like Pixie Lott. She works really hard but always manages to keep smiling. She nev... ELLIE GOULDING I'd been going up for things, but I hadn't got anything, and then 'Anne Frank' came ... ELLIE KENDRICK My parents are big Shakespeare fans. ELLIE KENDRICK It was fantastic returning to 'Being Human'. When I got cast in the role, at first I just th... ELLIE KENDRICK I never thought I'd be right to play a Juliet-like character. ELLIE KENDRICK Roots! You stay on the path to avoid the roots, Lilly! ELLIE ELISABETH There was always so much going on. Never any time to stop and smell the roses. Never any roses to st... ELLIE LIEBERMAN (Gangs) look for a place they don't get friction from the neighborhood. SGT. GARY KEMPER All their organs are still developing. Their brains are still developing. They have higher metabolis... DR. KATHI KEMPER Gangs make it obvious. They want you to know they are there, that this is their area. SGT. GARY KEMPER It's sort of back to the future. Two hundred years ago we only used herbs and supplements, then alon... DR. KATHI KEMPER I made a list of things I wanted to do with my life, but it ended up mostly being a list of books I ... ELLIE ROSE MCKEE Alive, they were distant, not sharing with me...When they were being killed, there wasn't anything g... EDMUND EMIL KEMPER III I just wondered what it would feel like to kill Grandma. EDMUND EMIL KEMPER III