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So I went down the local supermarket, I said "I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it", he said "Those are pickled onions".


Tim Vine

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Take me to the height where success would seek my help to succeed!
I ARE So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stoppi...
TOMMY COOPER So I went to the dentist. He said "Say Aaah." I said "Why?" He said "My dog's died.'
TOMMY COOPER So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?' He said 'It depends...
TIM VINE So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I&...
TOMMY COOPER So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I&...
TIM VINE he says. ''It was one of those ponds that are stocked with fish. He told me not to bring any live ba...
TED WILLIAMS I didn't want to lose my opportunity on the first shot. I didn't want to kick it out of bounds, so I...
MATT CLARK I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door....
STEPHEN WRIGHT He called it. He looked at me and said, ?Mike, I got this.? And then he went out and delivered.
MICHAEL LEWIS So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?' He said ...
TIM VINE I went up a couple of days before he got in, and I said, 'My baby is bored,' so they gave him work t...
MARGARET COX So I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?" He said "How flexible are you?"...
TIM VINE So I went to the Doctor's yesterday. He said, "What appears to be the problem?" I said, "I keep havi...
TOMMY COOPER I said, 'Well, this has got to be news,' so I clicked on it, ... It had the whole transcript of what...
FRED CARTER I did a couple songs with this hip-hop guy named Tim Dark. He was working in the same studio I'v...
ALAN VEGA Pump gas and hydraulic cams are for minivans.........
WAYNE SMOTHERS You went shopping with Rebecca?'
'Yep,' I said, pulling the shoes out of the box.
His br...
KARINA HALLE Now, most dentist's chairs go up and down, don't they? The one I was in went back and forwar...
TIM VINE I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door....
STEVEN WRIGHT I was just tired. When he took me down I said, ?this kid's tough.' So I stepped it up.
ANTHONY GONZALEZ I thought Jon was so charismatic. It was just magic. I went backstage kneeled down on my knee and sa...
RICHIE SAMBORA Gagne taught me the changeup. I did not have confidence in it. Then he said, 'Throw that changeup.' ...
GUILLERMO MOTA Frank called me one day and said, 'I have an idea for a movie, why don't you come over and I'll tell...
JAMES STEWART So I rang up British Telecom, I said 'I want to report a nuisance caller', he said 'Not you again'.
FRANK CARSON He said, 'This is Tim Ryan's new congressional district,'
TIM RYAN He said because she was a good sleeper before she'd cry for a few minute, I went in after 10 minutes...
CRYSTAL JASKULA I had no idea the puck was in. But when I went to talk to the referee, he said the puck was in. He s...
SIMON GAGNE I went down with my guitar and sat on his steps until he got there. And when he got there I introduc...
JOHNNY CASH Bod said, 'I want to see life. I want to hold it in my hands. I want to leave a footprint on the san...
NEIL GAIMAN So I said to the gym instructor: 'Can you teach me to do the splits?' He said: 'How flex...
TIM VINE Kris sat in the truck when I went inside. Like I said, he had nothing to do with this.
SARAH EVERSON In 1964, when Lee Iacocca said, 'Shelby, I want you to make a sports car out of the Mustang,'...
CARROLL SHELBY I didn't want it to be this way."
"Yes, you did," she said, "because it is."
"I just want...
CANDACE BUSHNELL I hope you don't really see yourself that way," I said.
He turned to look at me and narrowed hi...
KATIE ALENDER He was just thrilled, ... He said, 'Oh my gosh, you want to record that old song? I think I got it u...
BRIAN SETZER So I called Tim (about the advertising tax) and said ... 'You know, I think this is a mistake.' He c...
CODY KNOTTS I met him in October, and he said he would lend his name to our lacrosse classic. This significant m...
AUDREY WALLACE Before you make a decision," he said, "I want you to know that I love you.
MEGAN WHALEN TURNER So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said 'Who's speaking please?' And a vo...
TIM VINE He said: 'Could you kindly sit down for a minute?' ... I said, 'Why, am I sick?' He said, 'You're go...
JOE BUGEL So I rang up British Telecom, I said 'I want to report a nuisance caller', he said 'Not ...
FRANK CARSON I went to my dad when I was 17 and said, 'I want to be a country music star.' Which every da...
ERIC CHURCH He said, 'Yeah, let's do it,' ... Then he said, 'You should ask Keith [Richards].' I didn't want to ...
TIM RIES Frank called me one day and said, 'I have an idea for a movie, why don't you come over and I...
JAMES STEWART He went into the coaches' room to say he was sorry. He felt like he let us down. He said 'I'm sorry ...
LUIS SOJO I was never one of those surly teenagers who doesn't smile. My lovely godfather said it was alwa...
OLIVIA COLMAN Personally, I think Jim Henson said it best when he said "Anybody got an aspiren? I think I've got a...
DENIS LEARY My wife said she saw me warm up and she went upstairs behind the bullpen to bring others to watch me...
TODD COFFEY I went into a French restaraunt and asked the waiter, 'Have you got frog's legs?' He sai...
TOMMY COOPER I saw a sign it said left lane closed so I went someplace else.
JAY LONDON He said you were on the scene when that Laurel Canyon homicide went down.”

“I’m luc...
JOSH LANYON John [the father] kept saying, "You have a penis. That means you’re a boy." One day, Shannon notic...
ANDREW SOLOMON At the end of the day, Tim said, 'Look, can you just do this vocal?' I did not write it for myself, ...
DANNY ELFMAN He's a legend and I respect his work, so I went down and paid my respects when Charlton was on t...
MARK WAHLBERG Jack Hylton said: 'I want you, I want you, but I can't offer you the part it's for a 35-year-old wom...
ANNIE ROSS Jack Hylton said: 'I want you, I want you, but I can't offer you the part – it's for a 35-year-old ...
ANNIE ROSS I didn't say that I didn't say it. I said that I didn't say that I said it. I want to make that very...
GEORGE ROMNEY My mother wanted me to be a lawyer and I wanted to be an Actor. So I went to school, majored in thea...
ARSENIO HALL Yeah, I know I'm ugly... I said to a bartender, 'Make me a zombie.' He said 'God beat me to it.'
RODNEY DANGERFIELD He mentioned something, but we weren't interested. When he first asked if we were interested it was ...
BILL LONG When he said, 'Let's go,' I went.
MARIE FABRICIUS And (he said) I don't have to make it. This happened two, three times.
AJOY CHAKRABRTI Finality is death. Perfection is finality. Nothing is perfect. There are lumps in it, said the Philo...
JAMES STEPHENS When ramps are in season, we pickle a bunch of ramps and fold that into soup. Pickled pearl onions a...
WYLIE DUFRESNE I was saying, 'You've got to get up; you've got to get up,' ... He said, 'I'm getting up.' I went to...
CHRIS CLARK I wrote a script for a guy, and he said he liked it but he thought that I need to rewrite it. I said...
MITCH HEDBERG Wow,” said Adrian. He sat down on the bed and tested its bounciness, giving it a nod of approval. ...
RICHELLE MEAD I was in the grocery store. I saw a sign that said "pet supplies." So I did. Then I went outside and...
STEPHEN WRIGHT And later when we got into the car, he took a turn down a street that I was pretty sure was a dead e...
BRET EASTON ELLIS He said we had infield in five minutes and I was starting. I was surprised a little bit but I was ha...
DENARD SPAN I can't help it, Alexis," he said "I want to make you think too much...and then I want to hear the t...
KATIE ALENDER Everything I went through," he said. "For you. It was worth it.
AMANDA HOCKING I rolled up my sleeves and said, 'I want to make a mark on this world.'
BEBE REXHA So, I called Tim and said, 'You know, I think this is a mistake.' He called back with that response ...
CODY KNOTTS I have this weird musical thing I do: I play violin, and I even went on tour with Tim Robbins. We di...
DAVID ALPAY He said very bluntly, 'So how is the UN?' This is before we even sat down. And I said, 'Well, it's n...
HERALDO MUNOZ My experience of Chinese culture is indirect, through echoes. When I approach the cashier at my loca...
GENE LUEN YANG And he came to the second, and said likewise. And he answered and said, I go, sir: and went not.
BIBLE Tim asked me to read his script. He wanted me to play another character and I didn't want to do it. ...
HELENA BONHAM CARTER I think there are those who want to make it so.
BOB MCADAM I told him (Davis) to take it. I said 'You're open, you got to take it' and he turned down two or th...
BUD HENDRIX I got a call from Steve from jail, and he said he was suffering. It doesn't have to work this way.
DALE GIERINGER He rolled it back down and I said, that's it,
ROBERT GIBSON The things that I have said when I was young and curious about whatever the subject matter was, I re...
NAS Charlie got this sly look on his face, ... And then he said, 'I want you to put my ashes on all the ...
RICHARD KANE He's connected to everyone. He just went down there and said, 'Hey, you've got to have her here.' On...
JANET PLANET I was friends with Russians who said I should see Russia. I went there in '93 and it was so exci...
IAN FRAZIER Sorry, Bill. I just have this awful vision of being p-peeled like an onion, looking for the seeds."<...
LOIS MCMASTER BUJOLD I love swimming"
"I know," I said.
"I love swimming," he said again. He was quiet for a li...
BENJAMIN ALIRE SáENZ She went home, it was hurting, she was hoping it would get better. Then the pain got so bad she said...
DENNIS SCHEIB Let's look for dragons, I said to Pooh.
Yes, let's, said Pooh to Me.
We crossed the rive...
A.A. MILNE He said, 'So I started strangling her. To make sure she was dead I stabbed her,
GARY HALL I was trying to make sure I was within protocol within the team, and trying not to disturb anybody. ...
BERNIE WILLIAMS He said she became hysterical and they got into a big fight. He said he couldn't take her doing this...
TOM COOPER One caller said that when he called in May, he said I was a moron, ... He said I'm no longer a moron...
TIM PURPURA He said, 'I'm not going to make it, am I?'
GENE CLARK I said I fell down.
Ah. The ground bloodied your nose, split yer lip, and punched ye in th' ey...
TAMORA PIERCE When I was a kid, I wanted a Chanel bob and bangs. My mom said no. I went to the salon anyway, and t...
CAMILA ALVES We talked for a brief minute (inside a local pool hall), and I asked (Jackson) what had happened. He...
BILLY BURNS

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TIM CONWAY The reason 'The Carol Burnett Show' did so well in the ratings is because people were lookin...
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TIM SCOTT I predict after this whole thing is over, what we'll remember about the failed candidacy of Dona...
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TIM FERRISS People love to talk about the old bipartisanship. But it wasn't really bipartisanship. Yeah, the...
TIM GRIFFIN Working on 'Nightmare Before Christmas,' I had endless arguments, like the studio saying, &#...
TIM BURTON I love getting on the subway because you get on the car, and you see the entire human race represent...
TIM DALY We're entering a new world in which data may be more important than software.
TIM O'REILLY Who was the first person to fly across the Atlantic? Lindbergh. Who was the second? No idea.
TIM O'REILLY There is a possibility of fresh talent coming to work for the government. Millennials are the most p...
TIM O'REILLY The thing we should all be looking for are people who want to make a difference. I'm a big belie...
TIM O'REILLY If companies don't think systemically enough - if they try to capture too much of the value - ev...
TIM O'REILLY I think Microsoft will have to change. I think that the business of Microsoft, the company of Micros...
TIM O'REILLY A short, glorious life in service of a greater good - say, the life of the Spartans at Thermopylae, ...
TIM O'REILLY One of O'Reilly's advantages is that we have a network of thousands of user groups to whom w...
TIM O'REILLY So many technologies start out with a burst of idealism, democratization, and opportunity, and over ...
TIM O'REILLY I think that Microsoft will increasingly feel margin pressure from Linux as well as people saying: w...
TIM O'REILLY A lot of the websites built through the 1990s used Perl. The first webmaster of Sun Microsystems coi...
TIM O'REILLY It's hard to make something as large as a government change. It's a little bit like building...
TIM O'REILLY There's not a single business model, and there's not a single type of electronic content. Th...
TIM O'REILLY My original business model - I actually wrote this down - was 'interesting work for interesting ...
TIM O'REILLY The network is opening up some amazing possibilities for us to reinvent content, reinvent collaborat...
TIM O'REILLY Why did Google, for example, recently decide to offer free 411 service? I haven't talked to peop...
TIM O'REILLY One of the big changes at the heart of Web 2.0 is the shift from the creation of software artifacts,...
TIM O'REILLY We often get blinded by the forms in which content is produced, rather than the job that the content...
TIM O'REILLY This whole idea of visibility by the public creates a pretty powerful lever. In the new transparency...
TIM O'REILLY Empowerment of individuals is a key part of what makes open source work, since in the end, innovatio...
TIM O'REILLY What new technology does is create new opportunities to do a job that customers want done.
TIM O'REILLY I started to do stop-motion when I was a kid. You take a Super 8 and make some models, and move, cli...
TIM BURTON