You can't change your fingerprints. You have only ten of them. And you leave them on everything ...
AL FRANKEN My spiritual life is... sometimes I have access to it and sometimes I don't. When I do have acce...
AL FRANKEN When I first started writing for television in the seventies and eighties, the Internet didn't e...
AL FRANKEN not good enough to be endorsed by Fox News.
AL FRANKEN A brief digression on whether that suspicious-looking mole is actually cancer. ... Take this simple ...
AL FRANKEN The irony upon irony of this lawsuit was great. First, Fox having the trademark 'fair and balanced' ...
AL FRANKEN He [Newt Gingrich] is the most unpopular politician in America. His favorable rating is only four po...
AL FRANKEN When you encounter seemingly good advice that contradicts other seemingly good advice, ignore them b...
AL FRANKEN I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and dog-one it, people like me.
AL FRANKEN Mistakes are a part of being human. Appreciate your mistakes for what they are: precious life lesson...
AL FRANKEN The biases the media has are much bigger than conservative or liberal. They're about getting ratings...
AL FRANKEN I said that Sean Hannity took residence up Newt Gingrich's butt from 94 to 98. I got that from Briti...
AL FRANKEN I once asked the most fabulous couple I know, Madonna and Guy Ritchie, how they kept things fresh de...
AL FRANKEN Net neutrality isn't a government takeover of the Internet, as many of my Republican colleagues ...
AL FRANKEN To make the argument that the media has a left- or right-wing, or a liberal or a conservative bias, ...
AL FRANKEN Some of George W. Bush's friends say that Bush believes God called him to be president during th...
AL FRANKEN But in the right-wing media, they do have a right-wing bias. And they also have an agenda. So their ...
AL FRANKEN Teen pregnancy went way down in the '90s, and 75 percent of it was because of increased use of c...
AL FRANKEN The point is that there is tremendous hypocrisy among the Christian right. And I think that Christia...
AL FRANKEN Mistakes are a part of being human. Appreciate your mistakes for what they are: precious life lesson...
AL FRANKEN Does the mainstream media have a liberal bias? On a couple of things, maybe. Compared to the America...
AL FRANKEN I don't consider myself an artist necessarily, but craftsmen or people in the arts, their spirit...
AL FRANKEN I'm a bit of a shill for the Clinton Administration, which has its perks. I'm invited to all...
AL FRANKEN If you use a cell phone - as I do - your wireless carrier likely has records about your physical mov...
AL FRANKEN It's easier to put on slippers than to carpet the whole world.
AL FRANKEN As someone who's spent time with our troops in Iraq and Afghanistan on USO tours and met wounded...
AL FRANKEN It's hard to have that debate around secret programs authorized by secret legal opinions issued ...
AL FRANKEN Veterans report that service dogs help break their isolation. People will often avert their eyes whe...
AL FRANKEN I hope you realize, in a democracy, laughter is assent.
AL FRANKEN Having an actual income can expand your romantic horizons toward the more appealing end of the spect...
AL FRANKEN I couldn't think of anything less appealing than molding the minds of tomorrow's leaders.
AL FRANKEN Bob Dole used to be really funny. Barney Frank can be kind of funny. Bob Kerrey has a good sense of ...
AL FRANKEN The biases the media has are much bigger than conservative or liberal. They're about getting rat...
AL FRANKEN When people talked about protecting their privacy when I was growing up, they were talking about pro...
AL FRANKEN The government must give proper weight to both keeping America safe from terrorists and protecting A...
AL FRANKEN Most Americans don't think about antitrust law when they look at their cable bill, flip channels...
AL FRANKEN Antitrust law isn't about protecting competing businesses from each other, it's about protec...
AL FRANKEN Changing technologies, changing marketplaces, and even changing trends in anti-competitive practices...
AL FRANKEN When the Constitution was written, the founders had no way of anticipating the new technologies that...
AL FRANKEN I don't think I'm an angry person. I think I'm a person who's angry. I'm angry a...
AL FRANKEN Our laws need to reflect the evolution of technology and the changing expectations of American socie...
AL FRANKEN We owe an historic debt to American Indians. They have a unique set of concerns that haven't bee...
AL FRANKEN Minnesotans lost their jobs because the credit rating agencies didn't do the only job they'r...
AL FRANKEN I ask the American people not to fall victim to disinformation. There are no death panels. The Affor...
AL FRANKEN There's no comparison between NPR and the propaganda that you hear from Rush or from Sean Hannit...
AL FRANKEN For 35 years, I was a writer. I wrote a lot of jokes. Some of them weren't funny. Some of them w...
AL FRANKEN As a source of innovation, an engine of our economy, and a forum for our political discourse, the In...
AL FRANKEN Liberals like me love America. We just love America in a different way.
AL FRANKEN Demagoguery sells. And therefore, radio stations will put it on. But that doesn't mean that you ...
AL FRANKEN Demagoguery sells. And therefore radio stations will put it on. But that doesn't mean that you c...
AL FRANKEN Anybody who deliberately propagandizes with lies should be held up to scorn and ridicule.
AL FRANKEN People lucky enough to live in the vicinity of an industrial hog farm are, with each breath, made ke...
AL FRANKEN I’m good enough, I’m smart enough, and dog-gone it, people like me.
AL FRANKEN Bill Clinton is the greatest president of the 20th century because I played touch football with him.
AL FRANKEN The Founders who crafted our Constitution and Bill of Rights were careful to draft a Constitution of...
AL FRANKEN National security laws must protect national security. But they must also protect the public trust a...
AL FRANKEN Mistakes are a part of being human. Precious life lessons that can only be learned the hard way. Unl...
AL FRANKEN If someone hacks your password, you can change it - as many times as you want. You can't change ...
AL FRANKEN The USO invited me, and when they did, I said yes immediately.
AL FRANKEN I felt like the luckiest kid in the world. And I was. I was growing up middle-class in a time when g...
AL FRANKEN I think the government has a role in protecting the fundamental rights of its citizens.
AL FRANKEN Apple has long been a leading innovator of mobile technology; I myself own an iPhone.
AL FRANKEN When the president during the campaign
said he was against nation building,
I didn't rea...
AL FRANKEN Terrorism, to me, is the use of terror for political purpose, and terror is indiscriminate murder of...
AL FRANKEN The next thing I am doing is moving back home to Minnesota and getting involved in politics. I'm...
AL FRANKEN Dear Mr. Franken, It's possible that I was mistaken about this. Cheers.
AL FRANKEN Yeah, we shot ourselves in the foot right out of the gate. The guy who ran it at first misled pretty...
AL FRANKEN During Vietnam, I was in college, enjoying my student deferment. The government wisely felt that, in...
AL FRANKEN I grew up in Minnesota, where we treasure our tradition of civic engagement - and our record of havi...
AL FRANKEN You know, Lincoln was funny. I don't think F.D.R. was very funny. But Lincoln was funny. Lincoln...
AL FRANKEN To ask whether the mainstream media has a conservative or liberal bias is like asking whether al-Qai...
AL FRANKEN The Medicare Part D prescription drug bill, which might be the most corrupt piece of legislation in ...
AL FRANKEN The Republican agenda is a radical vision in which Medicaid is slashed to the bone - in which we sta...
AL FRANKEN I think Hell exists on Earth. It's a psychological state, or it can be a physical state. People ...
AL FRANKEN If you hear, day after day, liberals are rooting against armed forces, that is eventually going to h...
AL FRANKEN It was such a stupid lawsuit,
AL FRANKEN When the president during the campaign said he was against nation building, I didn't realize he mean...
AL FRANKEN reject the government's cruel and cynical interpretation.
AL FRANKEN it was absurdly hilarious.
AL FRANKEN The nature of the Internet and the importance of net neutrality is that innovation can come from eve...
AL FRANKEN Today I will masterbate!

Okay, that was a mistake. I should have written "Today I will ma...
AL FRANKEN You have to love your country like an adult loves somebody, not like a child loves its mommy. And ri...
AL FRANKEN I would like a dark chocolate Almond Joy.
AL FRANKEN He'd be natural liberal Senator. Nobody listens to him.
AL FRANKEN There premise involves repeating idiotic crap over and over...
AL FRANKEN Armed with nothing more than a Facebook user's phone number and home address, anyone with an Int...
AL FRANKEN If you hear, day after day, liberals are rooting against armed forces, that is eventually going to h...
AL FRANKEN I once asked the most fabulous couple I know, Madonna and Guy Ritchie, how they kept things fresh de...
AL FRANKEN The thing that interests me least about the radio business is the radio business. But I've had t...
AL FRANKEN Progressives, in a way, are the new conservatives. We want to conserve what we fought to build.
AL FRANKEN They would elect a comedian like me,
AL FRANKEN My parents didn't make a lot of money. My dad was not a high school graduate - he didn't hav...
AL FRANKEN In our political system, money is power. And that means a few can have a lot more power than the res...
AL FRANKEN Thank you for the quick and forthright response.
AL FRANKEN There's been a lot of back and forth between the two of us and this is just a good way to clear the ...
AL FRANKEN I heard versions of the speech before and I thought it was great. You go with your 'A' material. As ...
AL FRANKEN I don't know why they did it and I don't know where the money went. I don't know if it was used for ...
AL FRANKEN Hi, James. I have a radio show on Air America Radio, and something we do is check stuff that doesn't...
AL FRANKEN Hey, (Rep. Lindsey) Graham is going to give some reply. Why don't you come to this press conference?
AL FRANKEN Lies, and The Lying Liars who Tell Them
AL FRANKEN The next thing I am doing is moving back home to Minnesota and getting involved in politics, ... I'm...
AL FRANKEN You don't stand up and say 'Your president is lying to you and you are dying for no reason.' I don't...
AL FRANKEN It's the Power of the Almighty, the Splendor of Nature, and then you.
AL FRANKEN Ralph Nader is a hero. I know Ralph, and I call him up occasionally. He's helped me out on a cou...
AL FRANKEN Some of my colleagues seem more interested in using every procedural method possible to keep the Sen...
AL FRANKEN I want to reclaim 'liberal.' I'm a liberal, and I think most Americans are liberals.
AL FRANKEN I do personal attacks only on people who specialize in personal attacks.
AL FRANKEN At 'SNL,' I wrote political stuff, but I never felt the show should have an axe to grind. Bu...
AL FRANKEN No one is more sensitive to the issue of overeating than the creator of Stuart Smalley.
AL FRANKEN It's the Power of the Almighty, the Splendor of Nature, and then you.
AL FRANKEN I'm sure I've devoted enough thought to Rush Limbaugh for one lifetime.
AL FRANKEN It's hard for a liberal to go on between Sean Hannity and Rush Limbaugh, because it's like d...
AL FRANKEN Comedy to the Senate? Well, there certainly hasn't been a satirist or a political satirist who&#...
AL FRANKEN I've spent my entire career being a satirist.
AL FRANKEN I know that it's probably not a good idea for a comedian, especially a satirist, to support a pu...
AL FRANKEN Minnesotans know the difference between the job of satirist and the job of senator. And so do I.
AL FRANKEN I'm crushed by the responsibility of writing a satirical book.
AL FRANKEN I think, therefore I'm single.
ROSE FRANKEN Never Muddy the People you Love
ROSE FRANKEN Anyone can be passionate, but it takes real lovers to be silly.
ROSE FRANKEN The world is 3 days: As for yesterday, it has vanished along with all that was in it. As for tomorro...
AL-HASAN AL-BASRI I have always been fascinated with those who try to look over the horizon and see things that are co...
AL GORE A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls.
AL GORE Before I get out of bed, I am saying thank you. I know how important it is to be thankful.
AL JARREAU Love is a deception and a trap. Love is as big a myth that God sits with his flowing white beard in ...
AL GOLDSTEIN My family and I reside on a non-working farm, although we have a couple of horses and the usual stuf...
AL JARDINE People who are overweight don't want unsolicited advice. Guess what. We know we're fat. We l...
AL ROKER During my service in the United States Congress, I took the initiative in creating the Internet.
AL GORE The entire North Polar ice cap is disappearing before our very eyes. It's been the size of the c...
AL GORE We have defeated Jim Crow, but now we have to deal with his son, James Crow Jr., esquire.
AL SHARPTON I could have easily been a statistic. Growing up in Brooklyn, N.Y., it was easy - a little too easy ...
AL SHARPTON The dream was not to put one black family in the White House, the dream was to make everything equal...
AL SHARPTON To exercise at or near capacity is the best way I know of reaching a true introspective state. If yo...
AL OERTER I never set out to beat the world. I just set out to do my absolute best.
AL OERTER It was like a tidal wave went through the city.
AL OERTER It has to be the '80 Olympic hockey team.
AL OERTER I never had technique.
AL OERTER I don't think the discus will ever attract any interest until they let us start throwing them at eac...
AL OERTER We're not anti-police... we're anti-police brutality.
AL SHARPTON Deanna is a great pitcher, one of the best pitchers in the state. She does not get enough recognitio...
AL PEACOCK I learned years ago you can shape your own destiny if you do get involved. There have always been a ...
AL PAZAR There's a lot of overcapacity in the fishery that will need to be addressed. Probably that won't be ...
AL PAZAR Every time you lose that pre-soak, the danger increases. It's the race to fish.
AL PAZAR Newport stuck its neck out and did the heavy lifting. Some of the other ports resent us for that. Th...
AL PAZAR It broke down this year, with both sides not able to agree, and so we went into our usual free-for-a...
AL PAZAR That's fine if you keep playing this record over and over. It is going to be a very strong spring. T...
AL PARISH It's going to continue to make realtors very happy. I haven't seen any unhappy people in that indust...
AL PARISH Even though it's not the biggest property, it's getting in excess of $300 a night for a room. That's...
AL PARISH It doesn't mean that everybody's condo went up 37 percent. It means they built more expensive condos...
AL PARISH CA's acquisition of Wily Technology will further help our customers unify and simplify their increas...
AL NUGENT CA's acquisition of Wily Technology will further help our customers unify and simplify their increas...
AL NUGENT CA's acquisition of Wily Technology will further help our customers unify and simplify their increas...
AL NUGENT CA's acquisition of Wily Technology will further help our customers unify and simplify their increas...
AL NUGENT CA's acquisition of Wily Technology will further help our customers unify and simplify their increas...
AL NUGENT That's Fry. She settled down and came through for us.
AL NORTHINGTON We just had to play smart in the fourth quarter. Our girls showed a lot of heart and a lot of grit.
AL NORTHINGTON We didn't finish in that game. Tonight we finished.
AL NORTHINGTON We made some mental mistakes, but we're still so young, and that's going to happen. Our four freshme...
AL NORTHINGTON I'm so proud of these kids. It's a wonderful feeling to see these kids progress. This is a win for t...
AL NORTHINGTON The president believes very strongly that this is going to have a major, major impact on economic gr...
AL HUBBARD The recovery will be paid for by the federal taxpayer and it will add to the deficit.
AL HUBBARD It's coming from the American taxpayer.
AL HUBBARD The last thing in the world we need to do is raise taxes and retard economic growth.
AL HUBBARD Poverty is a lagging indicator. It is sort of the last ratio that declines with an expanding economy...
AL HUBBARD The president is totally committed to Social Security reform.
AL HUBBARD Maybe people thought of us as a running team. Or a three-point shooting team. A no-contact team. We'...
AL HORFORD Maybe we don't look like we're tough guys, but the bottom line is we get the job done. I know, Villa...
AL HORFORD It's great to see your son doing his job on the court. But it was no surprise.
AL HORFORD There was not much we could do (last season) because it wasn't our team. It was frustrating at times...
AL HORFORD We're so anxious for the game to get here.
AL HORFORD We lost most of our scoring (from a year ago). But we knew we were going to come out here and make t...
AL HORFORD You always dreamed about getting to this point. It is big in my mind. I'm pretty excited about it.
AL HORFORD You could just see it in their eyes. That's when we go for the kill.
AL HORFORD I am feeling a lot better; I'm taking care of myself drinking a lot of fluids and stuff. So I feel p...
AL HORFORD They were leaving the wrong guy open. When you leave Lee, he's going to make you pay for it.
AL HORFORD [He could belt out traditional blues and jazz with the best of them, but -- to the dismay of jazz pu...
AL HIRT I don't know, ... I do not know.
AL HIRT I've been glued to the TV. I am absolutely devastated.
AL HIRT The New Orleans I knew is gone, ... It's never going to come back. I'm just grateful I had my years ...
AL HIRT When Buddy played, he played all out, all the time. It was a wonder he didn't keel over and die befo...
AL HIRT Rich could play way better than Krupa.
AL HIRT Old Sharkey had a fat sound, man. He could blow like wild fire and when he played, I am telling you,...
AL HIRT I always smoked cigars. I've smoked cigars with everybody in show business.
AL HIRT A little bit of this, a little bit of that. I never had any specific style.
AL HIRT You always feel the drawing you are working on is the best you've ever done... I am only interested ...
AL HIRSCHFELD We arrived at Penn Station, took the Amsterdam Avenue street car to the end of the line. There was a...
AL HIRSCHFELD You always feel the drawing you are working on is the best you've ever done, ... I am only intereste...
AL HIRSCHFELD When I was about fourteen, my mother took me to see a musical comedy-and that was my first experienc...
AL HIRSCHFELD Life isn't a science. We make it up as we go.
AL HIRSCHFELD Artists are just children who refuse to put down their crayons.
AL HIRSCHFELD $250,000 isn't a lot, but it is enough to make a statement. We are looking for projects that will be...
AL HENRY I'm proud of our team. We great leadership from our four seniors - Peter Jerome, Josh Trottier, Alex...
AL HENRY Give credit where credit is due. Fargo South is a machine.
AL HENRY This is an OK way to end it. As far as I'm concerned, our team is the winner.
AL HENRY I know the feds give us the same amount of money, as does the state, as does the county. But there's...
AL HARTKOPF A traffic signal costs a lot more than $25,000. What can you say? They're getting off cheap.
AL HARTKOPF I knew it was going to end up badly.
AL HARTKOPF If it causes a little bit of difficulty for us, it just does.
AL HARTKOPF I have very mixed feelings on it. I totally get where the commissioners are coming from. I see the p...
AL HARTKOPF Would've, could've, should've. The bottom line is we didn't do it.
AL HARRIS