I'd be hard-pressed to think of anybody who's made me laugh, who's funny, but who's ...
DYLAN MORAN Don't do it! Stay away from your potential. You'll mess it up, it's potential, leave it. Anyway, it'...
DYLAN MORAN People will kill you. Over time. They will shave out every last morsel of fun in you with little, ha...
DYLAN MORAN Don’t clap I’m not a jazz band for Christ’s sake.
DYLAN MORAN I can't swim. I can't drive, either. I was going to learn to drive but then I thought, well, what if...
DYLAN MORAN I don't know that you're able to measure your aggregate wisdom as you go through life. I can...
DYLAN MORAN Stand-up came naturally to me because people in Ireland talk. But that's not talking on panel sh...
DYLAN MORAN I enjoy performing, always, but when you're taping a gig, you've got to blank out this mass ...
DYLAN MORAN Some people have told me that I'm grumpy; it's not something that I'm aware of. It's...
DYLAN MORAN Maybe this is just me, but as time goes by, I'm more bewildered by modernity. It gets more unfat...
DYLAN MORAN There's always a host of voices you're inspired by. I love Don DeLillo, and I love Isaac Bas...
DYLAN MORAN America is this incredible mosaic of immigrants, so people really want to be anchored in some kind o...
DYLAN MORAN I really can't describe what my stand-up is like - people see it and they say it's like that...
DYLAN MORAN I don't go to different countries to criticise their political system and tell them what they sh...
DYLAN MORAN Irish people give big hellos and very little goodbyes. Unless they're female, and then they spen...
DYLAN MORAN America's work ethic is non-stop; it's not even enshrined in law that workers have to get th...
DYLAN MORAN I fear we might be losing the basic human facility to be alone - and with that you throw out indepen...
DYLAN MORAN I do think it's perfectly natural and human to want to invest belief in something. It's just...
DYLAN MORAN Paper acts as an eraser on the mind, as soon as you look at what you've written.
DYLAN MORAN You try various things when you're growing up. I was an attache in the Foreign Service for a whi...
DYLAN MORAN I draw hundreds and hundreds of pictures of sort of gnarly looking men, so I don't know what tha...
DYLAN MORAN I have a very low level of recognition, which is fine by me.
DYLAN MORAN As an Irish person, there's a historical fascination with America: America is the default green ...
DYLAN MORAN "I'm not a fighter, I'm a bleeder."
DYLAN MORAN Don't you DARE use party as a verb in my shop
DYLAN MORAN People walk past me in the street and look at me, but because they think I work in their office and ...
DYLAN MORAN It's true that I have spoken about doing a book before, but then everyone you speak to is planning t...
DYLAN MORAN Jokes in sitcoms only work when they're not conspicuous and they reveal character.
DYLAN MORAN Yeah, I think Michael has had to deal with that label of being Michael Caine for a long time.
DYLAN MORAN Over the years The Stand have been great about giving me stage time if I need to run new material. T...
DYLAN MORAN I don't do drugs. If I want a rush I just get out of a chair when I'm not expecting it.
DYLAN MORAN I have no qualifications to do anything else and there weren't any formal application forms you had ...
DYLAN MORAN I'd never written a sitcom before.
DYLAN MORAN I myself have been to book auctions.
DYLAN MORAN I also think it helps that Black Books has a fusty and careworn feel - it could be the 1950's, it co...
DYLAN MORAN He could dismiss several schools of philosophy by shifting slightly in his chair or toting his whisk...
DYLAN MORAN I never thought I want to do anything, really, except not go to work properly and turn up at the sam...
DYLAN MORAN I think a lot of the time you just parody yourself.
DYLAN MORAN The truth is that I'm constitutionally incapable of doing an ordinary job.
DYLAN MORAN I don't really think of myself as an actor.
DYLAN MORAN The characters can't be wittier than people are in real life. They have to be character witty.
DYLAN MORAN You look like a horse in a man costume
DYLAN MORAN You know it's a sad day when your child looks at you and asks 'Daddy, are these organic?'
DYLAN MORAN It's easy to smile when you have a squirrel's intellect.
DYLAN MORAN I wouldn't be in a huge hurry to go back to Kansas. It was just bizarre. There's a lot of ve...
DYLAN MORAN I do not walk around imaging myself to be intimidating or smart.
DYLAN MORAN A lot of the fiction I read growing up was post-war American, and not all of it centers on Manhattan...
DYLAN MORAN People will kill you over time, and how they'll kill you is with tiny, harmless phrases, like &#...
DYLAN MORAN I'm not a fighter, I'm a bleeder.
DYLAN MORAN You exaggerate your own reactions.
DYLAN MORAN You achieve the surreal jokes through the realism by making it elastic.
DYLAN MORAN I'm very drawn to Eastern Europe, so I like a Hungarian writer who wrote in French called Emil C...
DYLAN MORAN I think that women just have a primeval instinct to make soup, which they will try to foist on anybo...
DYLAN MORAN The trend now is to get away from stage bound sitcoms.
DYLAN MORAN My drive to put myself on the line comes from boredom. From that feeling when you go to bed and thin...
DYLAN MORAN I was very into New Order, Joy Division, all of that when I was younger. I had a lot of bootlegs tha...
DYLAN MORAN I'm delighted to make as many people feel ashamed as possible. There's probably a site like ...
DYLAN MORAN I don't do drugs. If I want a rush I just stand up when I'm not expecting it.
DYLAN MORAN Money can't buy you love, but it can get you some really good chocolate ginger biscuits.
DYLAN MORAN The careers teacher told me I had a clear choice: if I didn't end up going to university I'd end up ...
DYLAN MORAN In the same way, there is some creature gnawing away inside of me, urging me to do things in differe...
DYLAN MORAN Showing off seemed to me to be a highly valuable and necessary activity when I was 20.
DYLAN MORAN I'm fascinated by how you'll change your position so many times over a lifetime, but really ...
DYLAN MORAN If you're a comic, you don't have a rehearsal room; you rehearse on stage. My main concern i...
DYLAN MORAN I'm not drunk onstage, although I've done that a couple of times when I was younger. It'...
DYLAN MORAN You can't please everyone, nor should you seek to, because then you won't please anyone, lea...
DYLAN MORAN I'm really not big on nationalism, to be honest with you. I really don't think it gets peopl...
DYLAN MORAN And I'm not saying it's a bad song, you know, or anything like that. All I'm saying is that if you g...
DYLAN MORAN I'm Irish, yeah, but I don't need to get up on a soapbox about it.
DYLAN MORAN I've been writing since I was very young, even before I was a teenager. As far as I'm concer...
DYLAN MORAN Love in all its forms is very difficult ... to express. It changes, obviously. If you’re young, an...
DYLAN MORAN One thing that's coming up a lot is: are you as grumpy as you appear from this Black Books thing...
DYLAN MORAN Have I had therapy? I went to a yoga class once.
DYLAN MORAN I've seen stand up comedy, and after a while you start to notice that a lot of people are doing ...
DYLAN MORAN Children are the most honest critics. They will say 'You're funny', but also 'You...
DYLAN MORAN I don't watch a whole lot of stand up. Mainly I prefer to read writers; they make me laugh the m...
DYLAN MORAN You have to assume that you're talking to the most intelligent, tuned-in audience you could ever...
DYLAN MORAN I grew up in a house where there was lots of teasing and language play and laughter; it was very imp...
DYLAN MORAN Perfection has to do with the end product, but excellence has to do with the process.
JERRY MORAN People get really scared when women reclaim words, talk about themselves honestly and also make joke...
CAITLIN MORAN Enjoy your food, enjoy your life.
VICTORIA MORAN Every year when I put away my winter clothes and get out my summer clothes, they fit. And I haven...
VICTORIA MORAN I don't have the activist temperament. I like listening to divergent points of view and hearing ...
VICTORIA MORAN I need a spiritual connection - I can make changes, but I can't make miracles - and I need peopl...
VICTORIA MORAN Beauty at 70 years old isn't the same as beauty at 20 years old, but it is stunning nonetheless.
VICTORIA MORAN By itself, tofu is like wet foam rubber, but you'd no more eat it by itself and expect fine dini...
VICTORIA MORAN The idea that somebody else is going to swoop down and play the fairy godmother role is pretty unlik...
VICTORIA MORAN You're supposed to be using your gifts and fulfilling your dreams, at every age.
VICTORIA MORAN Being vegan is a glorious adventure. It touches every aspect of my life - my relationships, how I re...
VICTORIA MORAN I'm not perfect, but what's wonderful about eating a plant-based diet is, I don't have t...
VICTORIA MORAN I don't eat animals. I rescue strays and take injured pigeons to the wildlife rehab. I carry spi...
VICTORIA MORAN My calling, as one imperfect human, is to celebrate and uphold life every time I get the chance.
VICTORIA MORAN There are some things that money can't buy: peace of mind, for starters, and lean muscle mass. N...
VICTORIA MORAN As I see it, a green salad is an open invitation to carrots, onions, mushrooms, tomatoes, and the sp...
VICTORIA MORAN Being vegan is not the key to immortality. We're all going to get sick and die. But to know you&...
VICTORIA MORAN Because love encompasses everything, nothing is unimportant, including tonight's dinner menu. Th...
VICTORIA MORAN Taking B12 is the price of getting to be vegan, the way wearing a helmet is the price of getting to ...
VICTORIA MORAN The idea that everything is purposeful really changes the way you live. To think that everything tha...
VICTORIA MORAN I'm over the hill, maybe even the whole mountain range, but I don't see it that way even one...
VICTORIA MORAN We all live with blinders on. They come with having a personal vantage point.
VICTORIA MORAN Your body has something in the neighborhood of 40 trillion cells - quite a consulting committee. Cal...
VICTORIA MORAN Recreational shopping is the shortest distance between two points: you and broke.
VICTORIA MORAN The doughy-faced woman has been forced to sit on the sidelines of culture for too long, and it's...
CAITLIN MORAN When I saw 'Pretty In Pink' at the cinema at the age of 11, I just thought it was a period p...
CAITLIN MORAN I don't regret not going to college. Students learn up to the age of 21, then stop. I'll alw...
CAITLIN MORAN I don't think that women being seen as inferior is a prejudice based on male hatred of women. Wh...
CAITLIN MORAN If every woman who's had an abortion took tomorrow off in protest, America would grind to a halt...
CAITLIN MORAN Feminism means something - legislation, cultural change - but 'Girl Power' meant nothing mor...
CAITLIN MORAN Telly never has any smart, amusing intellectuals living on a council estate.
CAITLIN MORAN Men have made the world. And they've made a brilliant job of it. I love men. You know, men, you ...
CAITLIN MORAN I am not good at small talk. I will hide in a cupboard to avoid chitty-chat.
CAITLIN MORAN I see feminism as a massive party. It's cool, the idea that 50% of the population can now start ...
CAITLIN MORAN When I learned that flour pound for pound has as many calories as sugar, and that when eating pasta ...
CAITLIN MORAN One of the great things about being a writer/journalist is that my boss loves me to go out and do fe...
CAITLIN MORAN If you can find a frock you look nice in and can run up three flights of stairs, you're not fat.
CAITLIN MORAN If you're not a confident person, pretend to be one.
CAITLIN MORAN I loved Riot Grrl. Not only was it a punk rock revolution, but it meant you could get dressed for a ...
CAITLIN MORAN Every woman who chooses - joyfully, thoughtfully, calmly, of their own free will and desire - not to...
CAITLIN MORAN I do not... look very feminine. Diana, Princess of Wales is feminine... I am... femi-none.
CAITLIN MORAN You can crush any woman by suggesting that she's fat, not even saying the word 'fat' but...
CAITLIN MORAN In the early '90s, it was grunge; everybody was fully clothed. Alanis Morissette was one of the ...
CAITLIN MORAN The first thing to improve society is not banning abortion, but making sure that everyone who had a ...
CAITLIN MORAN My core belief is that if you're complaining about something for more than three minutes, two mi...
CAITLIN MORAN But, of course, you might be asking yourself, 'Am I a feminist? I might not be. I don't know! I stil...
CAITLIN MORAN You want to be appreciated for all your work as opposed to one performance, but I'll always be &...
NICK MORAN If you celebrate your differentness, the world will, too. It believes exactly what you tell it—thr...
VICTORIA MORAN In terms of days and moments lived, you’ll never again be as young as you are right now, so spend ...
VICTORIA MORAN To the people who love you, you are beautiful already. This is not because they’re blind to your s...
VICTORIA MORAN Fear even when morbid is not cowardice. That is the label we reserve for something that a man does...
LORD MORAN But as the years went on, I realised that what I really want to be, all told, is a human. Just a pro...
CAITLIN MORAN We need to make sure the Department of Agriculture is promoting farmers and ranchers.
JERRY MORAN I am a huge fan of Adrian Piper: how she works, how she reveals her process in the work, how she wri...
JASON MORAN Vegetarian is like raising a kid Mennonite. It's difficult but not that different. Raising your ...
VICTORIA MORAN Freedom is the thing that has attracted me most to jazz. Within improvisation, you're really abl...
JASON MORAN Over-eating is the addiction choice of carers, and that's why it's come to be regarded as th...
CAITLIN MORAN It simply feels right to me to blend the glittery delights of New York City with a largely raw vegan...
VICTORIA MORAN 'Make your plate look like a Christmas tree,' I tell people, 'mostly green with splashes...
VICTORIA MORAN I used to watch those rock videos where they would chainsaw the piano. And I thought, 'That'...
JASON MORAN I'm quite British; I've got big, flat feet, and I can't wear heels. I've got very, v...
CAITLIN MORAN Life has its rhythm ad we have ours. They’re designed to coexist in harmony, so that when we do wh...
VICTORIA MORAN In this moment, there is plenty of time. In this moment, you are precisely as you should be. In this...
VICTORIA MORAN Sometimes customizing is necessary because of an injury or the inability to do, for a short or long ...
VICTORIA MORAN When it comes to literal nourishment, the food we eat, life begets life.
VICTORIA MORAN I always assumed the Department of Agriculture was the farmer and rancher's friend.
JERRY MORAN With each book, you get better as a writer. There is no back door to the industry. Read in the genre...
MICHELLE MORAN We've become a country that is often risk averse. That's not the way to succeed.
JERRY MORAN It's important that the art forms communicate, whether it's the dance program with the jazz ...
JASON MORAN My role is to try to remove the impediments to entrepreneurs' chance to succeed. It's about ...
JERRY MORAN Bjork's album, 'Homogenic,' it's got beats, strings, traditional Icelandic stuff. Th...
JASON MORAN You're perceived as being a success if you find a job in some big city and work with hundreds of...
JERRY MORAN I'm a big believer in living life as an extended working vacation.
VICTORIA MORAN I can honestly say that my abortion was one of the least difficult decisions of my life. I'm not...
CAITLIN MORAN I see people having fits because their coffee is too hot or their baked potato is too cold, or some ...
VICTORIA MORAN This stupid celebrity thing is just a consequence of being good at what you do. I mean, no one would...
NICK MORAN What the proponents of prostitution conveniently ignore is that lack of opportunity is lack of choic...
RACHEL MORAN The assumption of choice leads to the conclusion of consent, but choice and consent are erroneous co...
RACHEL MORAN Because I was more often happy for other people, I got to spend more time being happy. And as I saw ...
VICTORIA MORAN These days, however, I am much calmer - since I realised that it’s technically impossible for a wo...
CAITLIN MORAN When you believe you reflect what is holy and good, you can see more that is good in every stage of ...
VICTORIA MORAN The kind of classic pose of a female model is to look kind of sexy and a bit annoyed.
CAITLIN MORAN When my children say, 'In the future, Mummy, will things get better or worse for humanity?' ...
CAITLIN MORAN The truth is I do love you. Admitting that means opening myself up to all that pain when you leave. ...
KELLY MORAN ...we are all sorry when loss comes for us. The test of our character comes not in how many tears we...
MICHELLE MORAN The need for additional revenue is clear. How we achieve it is cloudy, to say the least.
BRIAN MORAN It further demonstrated how the House Republican Caucus has isolated themselves in doctrinaire, ideo...
BRIAN MORAN This was a nice win and hopefully it makes us No. 1 in sectionals. It also gave us the Livingston Co...
BRIAN MORAN Mark did a great job for us last year. He started some games as a sophomore and his quick feet and a...
BRIAN MORAN Mike can carry 20-25 times a game and any time you can have a quality runner like that getting those...
BRIAN MORAN To the rest of the state, Northern Virginia is a single-cell amoeba. Those of us in Northern Virgini...
BRIAN MORAN We're very pleased with our candidates. Whether it was upsetting an incumbent or taking open seats, ...
BRIAN MORAN We expect to pick up seats.
BRIAN MORAN We plan to pound away at the fact that we are the party of fiscal responsibility and investment.
BRIAN MORAN On a night like tonight, anything can happen with the weather conditions the way they were. Craig is...
BRIAN MORAN The thing is, one in three women in the Western world will end up having an abortion, but they never...
CAITLIN MORAN Life would be very dreary if there were no magic. If the real world were only that veil of tears, I ...
VICTORIA MORAN What a beautiful woman. She moved with grace, she was entirely feminine, and yet, she possessed incr...
JAN MORAN What is feminism? Simply the belief that women should be as free as men, however nuts, dim, deluded,...
CAITLIN MORAN When a woman says, ‘I have nothing to wear!’, what she really means is, ‘There’s nothing her...
CAITLIN MORAN In every (other) case, volcanoes have a monitor within five miles, but Crater Lake is a remote volca...
SETH MORAN All four of the public tower companies are bidding.
CLAYTON MORAN Monk's music is often defined as enigmatic, eccentric and humorous - as if it had little to do w...
JASON MORAN I can't live in a world where there are only, like, four kinds of women. Or where every woman is...
CAITLIN MORAN I just want Tina Fey to be my best friend. And Lena Dunham. And Oprah, too.
CAITLIN MORAN I hate that tabloid idea of anybody who is famous having to forfeit their privacy.
CAITLIN MORAN There's mediocre jazz, mediocre salesmen, mediocre golfers. If you want to be good, you have to ...
JASON MORAN Let's stop doing out-of-context, ad-hoc, survival budgets that take us nowhere except to the next cr...
CAROL MORAN I had a very exciting life in Italy, and I was doing lots of variety shows.
MORAN ATIAS I once went into a meeting, and every woman put her a million-pound bag on the table. Then I'm t...
CAITLIN MORAN I was a fat kid who didn't discover the joys of active play at the time of life when we're s...
VICTORIA MORAN As an improviser, my nature is to take a theme and constantly rework it.
JASON MORAN I want to express what's meaningful. I'm not into gimmicks. I want to make truthful music th...
JASON MORAN We do children an enormous disservice when we assume that they cannot appreciate anything beyond dri...
VICTORIA MORAN The great jazz radio stations have a duty to continue evolving their format just as audiences ask th...
JASON MORAN Jazz musicians don't make any money, so I might as well make some on the market. I pick my own s...
JASON MORAN The whole thing was conspired by Jim Hood.
MITCH MORAN It's a smart strategic move for XM because they need to answer the Howard Stern question. It's not a...
FREDERICK MORAN I know that as a vegan, I'm in a minority. People love their meat. It's up there with sugar ...
VICTORIA MORAN I want a Zero Tolerance policy on All The Patriarchal Bullshit.
CAITLIN MORAN We need to reclaim the word 'feminism'. We need the word 'feminism' back real bad. When statistics c...
CAITLIN MORAN It shows there is still solid underlying demand for housing and that activity this year, while slowi...
MICHAEL MORAN