FastSaying

I giggled out loud at his stupidity. If anyone knew how to make a bed, it was a faggot.


David Sedaris

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I started out as a writer. Poetry and prose and also kind of satirical David Sedaris-esque stuff.
PAULEY PERRETTE You're the man now,' she said to me after my father died, 'you're the man.' Then she turned to Popey...
DAVID SEDARIS I always knew that the only thing I wanted to do was act, but it took me a long time to say it out l...
JESSICA RAINE I knew David Benioff a bit socially. I knew his wife, Amanda Peet. He's a smart guy, so I always...
PETER DINKLAGE How lucky I am to have known somebody and something that saying goodbye to is so damned awful.
EVANS G. VALENS I couldn't even hear myself think when I went out there, it was so loud. I knew I was going with tha...
AARON GAGNON If we all took a minute to reflect upon the wrong we do we would be quite surprised or shocked.Inste...
GARY F EVANS... There's the 'right way' and the 'usual way'.
Folks tend to confuse both.
The right way i...
UFUOMA APOKI How could I have been so ignorant? she thinks. So stupid, so unseeing, so given over to carelessness...
MARGARET ATWOOD I knew he'd make it because he was so committed and dedicated to his craft. He knew what he wanted a...
BOB HOPKINS To change yourself you have to move from where you are and take a step, then you have to be willing ...
BRENT M. JONES I knew that I better make the second one because a lot is riding on it and I knew if I missed it my ...
SPENCER GARDNER In the silence I heard Bastet, who had retreated under the bed, carrying on a mumbling, profane mono...
ELIZABETH PETERS If you knew what was going to happen, if you knew everything that was going to happen next—if you ...
MARGARET ATWOOD It is a lie.
ARTHUR MILLER I was laughed at by everyone upon every occasion. But no one knew or guessed that if there was a man...
FYODOR DOSTOYEVSKY If stupidity got us in this mess, how come it can't get us out.
WILL ROGERS Dreams can change histories and songs can alter destinies.
TIFFANIE DEBARTOLO It takes a CONSTANT flowing of gas from the cylinder to keep the fire burning under your pot. “WOO...
OLAOTAN FAWEHINMI I was amazed at how good his hips were, and he already knew how to do all the throws. I was excited.
JAKE SHULAW We are born different to make a difference.
LISA R. REYNOLDS She never wanted anyone in her kitchen, so the only way you could get to lick the beater or the spat...
TIM KELLOGG We knew we at least had overtime, but we wanted to try for a final shot. Tyson was able to get the b...
DOUG KRAUSS I couldn't bear it if anyone knew I had hardly any self-confidence at all.
LORETTA YOUNG Experience has shown me that standing by oneself reading from one's book isn't especially co...
GAYLE FORMAN I was a little shocked at how adult some of the humor was, because I was never that into animation b...
CHERYL HINES 38. “A wet bird never flies at night.” (My grandfather said that to me when I was a child and wa...
JAMES C. DOBSON It doesn't matter how messy a bedroom gets, if you make the bed it will always look somewhat tidy.
NATALIE PHILLIP It was a messy situation. I think David felt extremely betrayed. David told me that he felt of Lou a...
NIKKI SYMINGTON If you don't know how to pronounce a word, say it loud!
WILLIAM STRUNK JR. I wasn't going to have enough money to pay for a Good Lifestyle, which meant I'd feel ashamed, which...
NED VIZZINI If you knew what was going to happen, if you knew everything that was going to happen next—if you ...
MARGARET ATWOOD When he let it go, I knew it was good, he knew it was good and I think the whole entire Clemente Cen...
BILLY MIMS Never forget that you are one of a kind. Never forget that if there weren't any need for you in all ...
R. BUCKMINSTER FULLER Oh, it makes a difference, I thought. And if it doesn't make a difference you will make it make a di...
CHAIM POTOK I believe in work. If somebody doesn't create something, however small it may be, he gets sick. An a...
ARTHUR MILLER Go into the world and do well. But more importantly, go into the world and do good.
MINOR MYERS He was mine, and I was his. If I knew anything at all, it was that only those two things mattered.
JAMIE MCGUIRE I knew that, in my whole life, if I married Aspen or someone else, no one would ever make me feel th...
KIERA CASS Everyone knew who David Pollack was, David Greene was. National-name guys. I don't know if we have a...
MARK RICHT And Jonathan answered Saul his father, and said unto him, Wherefore shall he be slain? what hath he ...
BIBLE I knew it was called 'Dunkirk,' Christopher Nolan was directing it, and it was a war film. T...
FIONN WHITEHEAD Anyone who does not know how to make the most of his luck has no right to complain if it passes by h...
MIGUEL DE CERVANTES I couldn't bear it if anyone knew I had hardly any self-confidence at all.
LORETTA YOUNG He told me to steal the tip. I looked at his feet (the Jackets' Thompson) and knew he was going to t...
DANNY SANDERS Elene gasped and sat up. "Kylar Thaddeus Stern!"
Kylar giggled. "Thaddeus? That's a good one. I...
BRENT WEEKS Eventually I came across another passage. This is what it said:
I am not commanding you, but I ...
NICHOLAS SPARKS To kill a mockingbird. If you haven't read it, I think you should because it is very interesting.
STEPHEN CHBOSKY I will never forget the vision of Jamie walking towards me.
NICHOLAS SPARKS As these images were going through my head, my breathing suddenly went still. I looked at Jamie, the...
NICHOLAS SPARKS You don't have to learn much out of books, it's like if you want to learn about cows, you go milk on...
HARPER LEE You can't really get to know a person until you get in their shoes and walk around in them.
HARPER LEE I was with a friend of mine recently who was dying and while he was lying there with his family arou...
EWAN MCGREGOR There are things we never tell anyone. We want to but we can’t. So we write them down. Or we paint...
TIFFANIE DEBARTOLO You know I hate fighting. If I knew how to make a living some other way, I would.
MUHAMMAD ALI I knew it was foolish of them to stay there, ... I saw how Gulfport had absolutely nothing left. I l...
DEBBIE JOHNSON I was going to make him proud of the man I would become. I was finally going to chart my own course,...
EMORY R. FRIE I went and hung out at a foot fetish party, and I knew that was a very popular fetish to have, but I...
NIKKI GLASER If you don't know how to pronounce a word, say it loud!
WILLIAM STRUNK, JR. For me it was a great race, ... The first few laps were pretty tight. I had my areas where I was qui...
DUANE DAVIS I knew it the minute after I called it. I think I was just so loud that everyone thought it was righ...
DARLETA MAYHUE If there was one thing he knew about himself, it was that he could take any good thing and make a me...
CASSANDRA CLARE HOLLY BLACK If there was a way to recognize something you'd never seen but still knew by heart, I felt it as I l...
SARAH DESSEN He reminded me of one of those adventure seekers on TV. He hadn’t shaved in a few days at least, a...
JESSICA FORTUNATO It was when I found out I could make mistakes that I knew I was on to something.
ORNETTE COLEMAN I don't think Stevens knew I was behind him. I was surprised how easy the puck came out when I hit h...
ERIK FABIAN In the sixties, everyone you knew became famous. My flatmate was Terence Stamp. My barber was Vidal ...
MICHAEL CAINE I knew David Lynch going to television was going to be something. It was either going to not work, n...
MADCHEN AMICK The dot.com businesses started out with all these different business models. It wasn't clear that an...
LARRY AUGUSTIN If somebody has a question about the court or the fans or how it is out there, I'll just yell and sc...
MARDY FISH You said 'God is cruel' the way a person who's lived his whole life on Tahiti might say 'Snow is col...
STEPHEN KING The only person I knew how to be with now was myself - but I wasn´t really anyone, and I wasn´t re...
PAUL AUSTER Be an initiator of change. Keep improving... To change is to improve; to become excellent is to keep...
ISRAELMORE AYIVOR My dad was a rebel. A half-destroyed history book hidden in his room, friends at his funeral I knew ...
KIERA CASS I don't laugh out loud at comics a lot.
DANE COOK What amazed me was how loud it was,
AARON SMALL It was devastating, but I know Clint. He's the most optimistic person I know, almost to a fault ... ...
BOB BARRETT When he first got down there, he was 'The Golden Child.' Everyone loved him, ... He had his whole fa...
JAMIE SHARPER If anyone besides famous people knew what it was like to be a famous person, they would never want t...
SIA He knew today that his life was forever changed in that one moment and he was clueless as to why or ...
P.J. FIALA Once Thaddeus found out that David Miller was going to run, he decided to step back and throw his su...
BOB STORMAN I went to bed the first night knowing I had to win or else that was it. And I also knew it was again...
DEWITT DRISCOLL I knew that if we kept the lead, then we had a good chance to bring it home. We had a little trouble...
DEBBIE SKELLY I have to admit, when I saw [Wallace] come out I knew he was going to give me a good challenge. I kn...
JONATHAN MOORE She was perfect. I knew this the moment she emerged from my body, white and wet and wailing. Beyond ...
VANESSA DIFFENBAUGH It was unnerving to watch those guys go out there and make birdie after birdie, but I knew I had tho...
PHIL MICKELSON Children always know when their mothers are crazy - they just never admit it, not out loud, to anyon...
SARAH ADDISON ALLEN Okay. Good point.” He’s very honest. I should ask how he is in bed. She slapped her hands over h...
MIMI JEAN PAMFILOFF When I look back at it, I'm mostly amazed at how poorly it was shot. David Kelley is a great wri...
PETER BERG In dinner talk it is perhaps allowable to fling any faggot rather than let the fire go out.
JAMES MATTHEW BARRIE It takes a long time to drag myself out of bed, and at night I'm buzzing. As a young man it was ...
DAVID MORRISSEY How to be a Poet (to remind myself)

Make a place to sit down.
Sit down. Be quiet. <...
WENDELL BERRY If readers recognized that he was an ass, unaware of his own stupidity, ''your work will be a triump...
MARK TWAIN Anyone who thinks that they are too small to make a difference, has never been in bed with a mosquit...
UNKNOWN I just found out it takes 5 sheep to make one wool sweater. I didn't even know they knew how to knit...
ANONYMOUS It was extremely difficult. He appears to be a shadowy figure. I was surprised that I couldn't find ...
STEVE TURNER No work is insignificant. All labor that uplifts humanity has dignity and importance and should be u...
MARTIN LUTHER KING JR. We cannot do everything, but we can all do something.
DILLON BURROUGHS When would people stop saying his name out loud? Each time was a tiny gunshot through her heart.
LAUREN GILLEY From his brimstone bed, at break of day, A-walking the Devil is gone, To look at his little sn...
ROBERT SOUTHEY AND SAMUEL T. COLERIDGE

More David Sedaris

If you read somebody's diary, you get what you deserve.
DAVID SEDARIS I meet people at book signings. My record now, for signing, is ten and a half hours in one sitting.
DAVID SEDARIS I love getting attention, just like a child loves it, and it's never worn off. So when people sa...
DAVID SEDARIS If you read someone else's diary, you get what you deserve.
DAVID SEDARIS Einstein wrote that insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result....
DAVID SEDARIS Hugh consoled me, saying, "Don't let it get to you. There are plenty of things you're good at."
DAVID SEDARIS We were not a hugging people. In terms of emotional comfort it was our belief that no amount of phys...
DAVID SEDARIS Like all of my friends, she's a lousy judge of character.
DAVID SEDARIS Everyone looks retarded once you set your mind to it.
DAVID SEDARIS Every gathering has its moment. As an adult, I distract myself by trying to identify it, dreading th...
DAVID SEDARIS Kools and Newports were for black people and lower-class whites. Camels were for procrastinators, th...
DAVID SEDARIS I've been keeping a diary for thirty-three years and write in it every morning. Most of it's...
DAVID SEDARIS The trouble with aggressive nonsmokers is that they feel they are doing you a favor by not allowing ...
DAVID SEDARIS The word phobic has its place when properly used, but lately it's been declawed by the pompous insis...
DAVID SEDARIS In other parts of the country people tried to stay together for the sake of the children. In New Yor...
DAVID SEDARIS People are often frightened of Parisians, but an American in Paris will find no harsher critic than ...
DAVID SEDARIS Mr. Mancini had a singular talent for making me uncomfortable. He forced me to consider things I’d...
DAVID SEDARIS Say what you will about the south, but in North Carolina a hot dog is free to swing anyway it wishes...
DAVID SEDARIS For as long as I can remember, my father saved. He saves money, he saves disfigured sticks that rese...
DAVID SEDARIS I was just struggling with my inner vachette and pondering the depths of my own inhumanity.
DAVID SEDARIS but I have no mind for business and considered staying awake to be enough of an accomplishment.
DAVID SEDARIS Potential boyfriends could not smoke Merit cigarettes, own or wear a pair of cowboy boots, or eat an...
DAVID SEDARIS It's a common mistake for vacationing Americans to assume that everyone around them is French and th...
DAVID SEDARIS I find it ridiculous to assign a gender to an inanimate object incapable of disrobing and making an ...
DAVID SEDARIS If I could believe in myself, why not give other improbabilities the benefit of the doubt? I accepte...
DAVID SEDARIS What's the trick to remembering that a sandwich is masculine? What qualities does it share with anyo...
DAVID SEDARIS In order to get the things I want, it helps me to pretend I’m a figure in a daytime drama, a schem...
DAVID SEDARIS Amy adored both the new look and the new person it allowed her to be. Following the photo shoot, she...
DAVID SEDARIS The rabbit of Easter. He bring of the chocolate.
DAVID SEDARIS The italian nanny was attempting to answer the teachers latest question when the moroccan student in...
DAVID SEDARIS I find it ridiculous to assign a gender to an inanimate object incapable of disrobing and making an ...
DAVID SEDARIS At the end of a miserable day, instead of grieving my virtual nothing, I can always look at my loade...
DAVID SEDARIS On my fifth trip to France I limited myself to the words and phrases that people actually use. From ...
DAVID SEDARIS When asked "What do we need to learn this for?" any high-school teacher can confidently answer that,...
DAVID SEDARIS I hate you' she said to me one afternoon. 'I really, really hate you.' Call me sensitive, but I coul...
DAVID SEDARIS Every day we're told that we live in the greatest country on earth. And it's always stated as an und...
DAVID SEDARIS Certain motherfuckers think they can fuck with my shit, but you can't kill the Rooster. You might ca...
DAVID SEDARIS When shit brings you down, just say 'fuck it', and eat yourself some motherfucking candy.
DAVID SEDARIS If you aren't cute, you may as well be clever.
DAVID SEDARIS People in trailers were canned and labeled much like the apple juice down at the plant, stamped with...
DAVID SEDARIS There seemed to be some correlation between devotion to God and a misguided zeal for marshmallows.
DAVID SEDARIS I'd tried to straighten him out, but there's only so much you can do for a person who thinks Auschwi...
DAVID SEDARIS The humor section is the last place an author wants to be. They put your stuff next to collections o...
DAVID SEDARIS The only bright spot in the entire evening was the presence of Kevin "Tubby" Matchwell, the eleven-y...
DAVID SEDARIS My hands tend to be full enough dealing with people who hate me for who I am. Concentrate too hard o...
DAVID SEDARIS Lovers of audio books learn to live with compromise.
DAVID SEDARIS I guess my guilty pleasure would be listening to the British audio versions of the 'Harry Potter...
DAVID SEDARIS It's odd the things that people remember. Parents will arrange a birthday party, certain it will...
DAVID SEDARIS After a few months in my parents' basement, I took an apartment near the state university, where...
DAVID SEDARIS To say that a humorist exaggerates to get big laughs, I don't see how that's big news.
DAVID SEDARIS Hugh and I have been together for so long that in order to arouse extraordinary passion, we need to ...
DAVID SEDARIS I love things made out of animals. It's just so funny to think of someone saying, 'I need a ...
DAVID SEDARIS What other people call dark and despairing, I call funny.
DAVID SEDARIS People ask me, 'Have you ever considered doing stand-up?' To me it would be less offensive i...
DAVID SEDARIS No one writes dialect better than Flannery O'Connor. No one should even try.
DAVID SEDARIS Writing gives you the illusion of control, and then you realize it's just an illusion, that people a...
DAVID SEDARIS After a few months in my parents' basement, I took an apartment near the state university, where I d...
DAVID SEDARIS For the first twenty years of my life, I rocked myself to sleep. It was a harmless enough hobby, but...
DAVID SEDARIS At first, writing for The New Yorker was very scary to me. I couldn't imagine anything that I would ...
DAVID SEDARIS I haven't the slightest idea how to change people, but I still keep a long list of prospective candi...
DAVID SEDARIS As a foreigner in London, I like that there are so many other foreigners.
DAVID SEDARIS People ask if I miss it, but they don't understand that American culture is so ubiquitous that t...
DAVID SEDARIS I love 'Glee.' I cry all the time when I watch 'Glee' because I don't know if it...
DAVID SEDARIS But most good movies have a gun in them.
DAVID SEDARIS They were nothing like the French people I had imagined. If anything, they were too kind, too genero...
DAVID SEDARIS I've always been very upfront about the way I write, and I've always used the tools humorist...
DAVID SEDARIS But I'm a humorist. I'm not a reporter, I never pretended to be a reporter.
DAVID SEDARIS Maybe I'll learn a trade. I've considered taxidermy. I always thought it was a shame you couldn't do...
DAVID SEDARIS I haven't got the slightest idea how to change people, but still I keep a long list of prospecti...
DAVID SEDARIS I cry all the time when I watch 'Glee' because I don't know if it's satire or melodr...
DAVID SEDARIS I've become like one of those people I hate, the sort who go to the museum and, instead of looking a...
DAVID SEDARIS If you stepped out of the shower and saw a leprechaun standing at the base of your toilet, would you...
DAVID SEDARIS There’s a short circuit between my brain and my tongue, thus “Leave me the fuck alone” comes o...
DAVID SEDARIS A zoo is a good place to make a spectacle of yourself, as the people around you have creepier, more ...
DAVID SEDARIS Oh, for Christ's sake,' I hear. 'Can we please just try to have a good time?' This is like ordering ...
DAVID SEDARIS You're the man now,' she said to me after my father died, 'you're the man.' Then she turned to Popey...
DAVID SEDARIS On a busy day twenty-two thousand people come to visit Santa, and I was told that it is an elf's lot...
DAVID SEDARIS It's just a penis, right? Probably no worse for you than smoking.
DAVID SEDARIS States vote to take away my marriage rights, and even though I don't want to get married, it tends t...
DAVID SEDARIS I just looked at the pattern of my life, decided I didn't like it, and changed.
DAVID SEDARIS When a hurricane damaged my father's house, my brother rushed over with a gas grill, three coolers o...
DAVID SEDARIS It is funny the things that run through your mind when you're sitting in your underpants in front of...
DAVID SEDARIS Anyone who watches even the slightest amount of TV is familiar with the scene: An agent knocks on th...
DAVID SEDARIS Seven beers followed by two Scotches and a thimble of marijuana and it's funny how sleep comes all o...
DAVID SEDARIS I'm just a big liar.
DAVID SEDARIS On Undecided Voter​s: "To put them in perspective, I think​ of being​ on an airplane.​ The f...
DAVID SEDARIS It was my friend Frank, a writer in San Francisco, who finally set me straight. When asked about my ...
DAVID SEDARIS I love things made out of animals. It's just so funny to think of someone saying, 'I need a letter o...
DAVID SEDARIS In Paris the cashiers sit rather than stand. They run your goods over a scanner, tally up the price,...
DAVID SEDARIS Real love amounts to withholding the truth, even when you're offered the perfect opportunity to hurt...
DAVID SEDARIS I'm the most important person in the lives of almost everyone I know and a good number of the people...
DAVID SEDARIS He took a sip of my father’s weak coffee and spit it back into the mug. "This shit’s like making...
DAVID SEDARIS Scream at the mangled leather carcass lying at the foot of the stairs, and my parents would roar wit...
DAVID SEDARIS Sometimes with 'The New Yorker,' they have grammar rules that just don't feel right in m...
DAVID SEDARIS Like any normal fifth grader, I preferred my villains to be evil and stay that way, to act like Drac...
DAVID SEDARIS Being locked up is one thing, but to have no concept of confinement, to be ignorant of its terms and...
DAVID SEDARIS Anyone who watches even the slightest amount of TV is familiar with the scene: An agent knocks on th...
DAVID SEDARIS Plenty of animals had pets, but few were more devoted than the mouse, who owned a baby corn snake—...
DAVID SEDARIS I asked her, dreamily, if we had met, and when she told me that we had not, I gave her a little fing...
DAVID SEDARIS Jeremy, Good luck on your first marriage.
DAVID SEDARIS I haven't the slightest idea how to change people, but still I keep a long list of prospective candi...
DAVID SEDARIS If you're looking for sympathy you'll find it between shit and syphilis in the dictionary.
DAVID SEDARIS … [I] recall thinking that the computer would never advance much further than this. Call me naïve...
DAVID SEDARIS One thing about English-language bookstores in the age of Amazon is that it assumes that everybody h...
DAVID SEDARIS When they're born outside, crows come and pluck their eyes out.
DAVID SEDARIS Shit is the tofu of cursing and can be molded to whichever condition the speaker desires. Hot as shi...
DAVID SEDARIS the lower bunks, both of us longing to be pinned. “You kids think you invented sex,” my mother w...
DAVID SEDARIS Someone in our family had taken to wiping his or her ass on the bath towels. What made this exceptio...
DAVID SEDARIS The whole notion of the nursing home was something dreamed up by people like my mother; American wom...
DAVID SEDARIS The thing to remeber is that more than anything in this world, these colored people wish they were w...
DAVID SEDARIS the beauty of an art school: as long as you can pay the tuition, they will never, even in the gentle...
DAVID SEDARIS The thought of killing myself had slowed me down to five miles per hour. The thought of killing some...
DAVID SEDARIS You have how many children in your family?" the teacher would ask. "I'm guessing you must be Catholi...
DAVID SEDARIS What are you, tap dancing up there? You want a put on a show, do you? Well, the theater's closed for...
DAVID SEDARIS You just take and take don´t you? Out there with your thumb in the air—not a care in the world, j...
DAVID SEDARIS My hands tend to be full enough dealing with people who hate me for _who_ I am. Concentrate too hard...
DAVID SEDARIS They're hungry for something they know nothing about, but we, we know all too well that the price of...
DAVID SEDARIS Motherfucker, you haven't got the fucking balls God gave a goddamned church mouse. You crawled out o...
DAVID SEDARIS Watching him was like opening the door to a siniging telegram; you know it's supposed to be entertai...
DAVID SEDARIS He has a passport," my classmates would whisper. "Quick, let's run before he judges us!
DAVID SEDARIS Right, I breast feed baby camels in my backyard just for the freaking fun of it. Just tell me where ...
DAVID SEDARIS We give anonymously because the sackfuls of thank-you letters break our hearts with their clumsy han...
DAVID SEDARIS If nothing else, life in the suburbs promised that you might go from day to day without finding shit...
DAVID SEDARIS Motherfucker, you try that again and I'll come in there with a fucking coat hanger and give you some...
DAVID SEDARIS I’d always been afraid of sick people, and so had my mother. It wasn’t that we feared catching t...
DAVID SEDARIS As bad a dresser as I am, anything beats being judged by my character.
DAVID SEDARIS The Greeks had invented democracy, built the Acropolis and called it a day.
DAVID SEDARIS I've always had a way with the little people, making it a point to humor them without looking down m...
DAVID SEDARIS What I really hated, of course, was my mind. There must have been an off switch somewhere, but I was...
DAVID SEDARIS I was a smart-ass, born and raised. This had been my curse and would continue to be so.
DAVID SEDARIS College is the best thing that can ever happen to you," my father used to say, and he was right, for...
DAVID SEDARIS between the disfigurement and the muzzle, it's nearly impossible to catch what she's saying. Always,...
DAVID SEDARIS Shit is the tofu of cursing.
DAVID SEDARIS I haven't got the slightest idea how to change people, but still I keep a long list of prospective c...
DAVID SEDARIS Why refer to Lady Crack Pipe or Good Sir Dishrag when these things could never live up to all that t...
DAVID SEDARIS When her muzzle grew more white than brown, the chipmunk forgot that she and the squirrel had had no...
DAVID SEDARIS If I'm riding my bike I just replay the same scenarios over and over in my head, like I haven...
DAVID SEDARIS The combination of ammonia and chloride can be lethal but I've discovered it can work miracles as lo...
DAVID SEDARIS Sometimes the sins you haven't committed are all you have left to hold onto.
DAVID SEDARIS That man tried to picka my frienda’s pocketoni!
DAVID SEDARIS They were Jesuits," she told me. "That means they believe in God but not in terlet paper. You should...
DAVID SEDARIS All of us take pride and pleasure in the fact that we are unique, but I'm afraid that when all is sa...
DAVID SEDARIS He's as nutty as a vegan T-bone.
DAVID SEDARIS A good [short story] would take me out of myself and then stuff me back in, outsized, now, and uneas...
DAVID SEDARIS I hate computers. My hatred is entrenched, and I nourish it daily. I’m comfortable with it, and no...
DAVID SEDARIS As a child I assumed that when I reached adulthood, I would have grown-up thoughts.
DAVID SEDARIS Each one of us is left to choose our own quality of life and take pleasure where we find it with the...
DAVID SEDARIS Speed eliminates all doubt. Am I smart enough? Will people like me? Do I really look all right in th...
DAVID SEDARIS whenever I read a passage that moves me, I transcribe it in my diary, hoping my fingers might learn ...
DAVID SEDARIS If I could believe in myself, why not give other improbabilities the benefit of the doubt?
DAVID SEDARIS I love things made out of animals. It's just so funny to think of someone saying, "I need a letter o...
DAVID SEDARIS I like the trail that the Internet created. For example, I was watching one of those Douglas Sirk mo...
DAVID SEDARIS I go to the movies at least five times a week, and after a while everything becomes a blur to me.
DAVID SEDARIS I just enjoy lying on the couch and reading a magazine.
DAVID SEDARIS My sister Tiffany told me years ago, 'You can never write about me.' Then she called six mon...
DAVID SEDARIS Do I exaggerate? Boy, do I, and I'd do it more if I could get away with it.
DAVID SEDARIS I always think it's a good policy to like the people who like you.
DAVID SEDARIS But I don't distinguish between being laughed with, and laughed at. I'll take either.
DAVID SEDARIS The woman spoke with a heavy western North Carolina accent, which I used to discredit her authority....
DAVID SEDARIS The landscape is best described as 'pedestrian hostile.' It's pointless to try to take a walk, so I ...
DAVID SEDARIS Cover your glass in France or Germany --even worse, in England - and in the voice of someone who has...
DAVID SEDARIS Like anyone nostalgic for a time he didn't live through, I chose to weed out the little inconvenienc...
DAVID SEDARIS Don't leave a piece of jewelry at his house so you can go back and get it later; he may be with his ...
AMY SEDARIS Sometimes losing a pet is more painful than losing a human because in the case of the pet, you were ...
AMY SEDARIS I always liked my teachers, and I was in a lot of after-school projects. I was a Girl Scout until my...
AMY SEDARIS My mom used to say that Greek Easter was later because then you get stuff cheaper.
AMY SEDARIS I never really take shortcuts. I was always one of those people who, instead of cutting across someo...
AMY SEDARIS You think in a different way when you don't have any money. The joy of poverty is that you use y...
AMY SEDARIS I'm very domestic; I love cleaning. I love cooking. I like waiting on people. I just like to mak...
AMY SEDARIS I'm not a good storyteller. I always think I'm going to get interrupted, or something's ...
AMY SEDARIS People who shop in health food stores never look healthy.
AMY SEDARIS I wouldn't call myself a shut-in. I have the ability to leave my home; I just choose not to. But...
AMY SEDARIS I think it's still kind of weird to memorize a line, because you're supposed to 'be'...
AMY SEDARIS More men than women like 'Strangers With Candy'. Pretty girls don't like the show. They ...
AMY SEDARIS I like crafts that are made out of necessity because they're a little naive - you made it becaus...
AMY SEDARIS I'm gonna do the whole bedroom in camel color - it's an old lady color.
AMY SEDARIS If I put my mind to something, it happens. I do know that's not necessarily psychic. But I alway...
AMY SEDARIS You know when you watch old movies, it's always the small parts you remember, the character acto...
AMY SEDARIS Sometimes, to keep things exciting, I decorate my house as if I owned a child. I'll toss a tiny ...
AMY SEDARIS But I always like to play ugly people who think they're pretty.
AMY SEDARIS My father and I have a very good relationship. We always got along. But I always scold him.
AMY SEDARIS When people tell me they are going to go scrapbooking, I say, 'Why don't you make it yoursel...
AMY SEDARIS Books are challenging and inspirational to me.
AMY SEDARIS I love costumes. My dream growing up was always to have my own costume and prop shop.
AMY SEDARIS I love theatrical props: a cup filled with solid fake tea, say, or a collection of fake food, includ...
AMY SEDARIS I like crafts that come out of poverty or necessity. There used to be hobby shops where you'd ge...
AMY SEDARIS I like to decide the night before Thanksgiving that I'm gonna do it, and I'll see what riff ...
AMY SEDARIS We're all used to seeing pretty people. I want to see real people.
AMY SEDARIS My favorite things often have a story behind them and are usually handmade or discovered at a flea m...
AMY SEDARIS I have always wanted a bunny and I'll always have a rabbit the rest of my life.
AMY SEDARIS My characters always like themselves.
AMY SEDARIS It's all about process to me - as long as it's fun to me, I don't care about the final product.
AMY SEDARIS It was more of their quirky show. It was more like a cult show. The ratings weren't really that high...
AMY SEDARIS I'm satisfied just thinking of the idea.
AMY SEDARIS I choose to do unattractive people, because then I can pretend they think they're attractive.
AMY SEDARIS I'm not a first-place person.
AMY SEDARIS You know when you watch old movies, it's always the small parts you remember, the character actors w...
AMY SEDARIS I always got along with all types of people - popular people as well as drug addicts.
AMY SEDARIS It's driving me crazy! It's awful. I saw four last night during the Academy Awards. Four little baby...
AMY SEDARIS I choose to do unattractive people, because then I can pretend they think they're attractive.
AMY SEDARIS