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California is a small woman saying, 'Fuck me.' New York is a large man saying, 'Fuck you!


George Carlin

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i will admit there's a certain degree of giving a fuck that goes into not giving a fuck. by saying y...
DAVID LEVITHAN The seven words George Carlin said you couldn’t say on TV or radio (“fuck,” “piss,” “shi...
MARY NORRIS You wouldn't believe how much harder it's getting for me to just leave my studio. It's really sad. I...
MARK Z. DANIELEWSKI You'll learn. Silence and apathy are the best ways of saying Fuck You
ANONYMOUS When I was a kid, they had a saying, 'to err is human but to really fuck it up takes a computer.’
BENJAMIN R. SMITH I’m forever near a stereo saying, ‘What the fuck is this garbage?’ And the answer is always th...
NICK CAVE Certain motherfuckers think they can fuck with my shit, but you can't kill the Rooster. You might ca...
DAVID SEDARIS You forget that when a woman finds a good man, a man who loves her and makes her happy, she doesn’...
SYLVAIN REYNARD Please forgive me, Mother. I apologize for saying 'fuck.'"

Then he straightened and addre...
SANDRA BROWN An Act of Dissent is simply a way of saying, 'No, I do not accept this and, as my silence may be con...
MARK THOMAS Fuck me badly once, shame on you. Fuck me badly twice, shame on me.
KIM CATTRALL U just gotta a ticket for the new town

"FUCK YOU".
DEYTH BANGER Philosophical words "wiseman, wisdom, old saying and so many nice words" i said FUCK IT, YOU HAVE TO...
DATO NORDDIN LASAR Just give me a second. Attempting to give a fuck...Attempting harder to give a fuck...Sorry, there w...
SUZANNE WRIGHT For me, my life is a journey.
JAY ELECTRONICA What would be a bigger spectacle, a female with one shoe on or a well-dressed female with no shoes? ...
SISTER SOULJAH I don't give a fuck, God sent me to piss the world off.
EMINEM Now I must leave you as you enter the world that is Fuck. You are fucking lucky to be here. It's alm...
LEWIS BLACK Fuck You Poem #45

Fuck you in slang and conventional English.
Fuck you in lost and n...
AMY GERSTLER Georgie: I feel stupid.

Andrew: What are you talking about, you feel stupid? You just wal...
THERESA REBECK New York is traditional New York, you know what I'm saying? It's the stomping ground of the ...
BUSTA RHYMES If you work hard and study hard. And you fuck up. That's okay. If you fuck up and you fuck up, then ...
JUSTIN HALPERN The one thing you should never do to a woman, whether you make love to her or fuck her, is apologise...
DIANNA HARDY God,' he said, 'I have to have you.'
'Take me. Own me. Use me. Pick a verb. Just please.'
...
C.D. REISS So does that mean if you won’t fuck me because I’m high, I could fuck you because you’re not?
K.A. MITCHELL Life is a re-discovery.
BRIAN BLESSED If you think that life is a celebration full of party poppers and merry go rounds it's not it's a ga...
GARY F EVANS... Life Is a Misconception.
DEYTH BANGER Life is a desire!
DEYTH BANGER To trust someone you must firstly remember that it is a two way street that will go all the way if y...
GARY F EVANS... It is a lie.
ARTHUR MILLER I like the word 'fuck'. The word means what it means, but it also means whatever you need it to mean...
LISA GLATT Fuck it, except yourself; unless you wanna fuck more.
EPHDAN Fuck it... That's really the attitude that keeps a family together, it's not "we love each other", i...
LOUIS C.K. I thought he looked familiar, you know. So, he hears me saying how I enlisted in New York in 1938.
HENRY TORNELL If you can't say "Fuck" you can't say, "Fuck the government.
LENNY BRUCE Fuck you! I hope you die!"
"Everybody Dies," I said. "So fuck you.
LAWRENCE BLOCK Cities have sexes: London is a man, Paris a woman, and New York a well-adjusted transsexual.
ANGELA CARTER Why not? Give me one good reason why we shouldn't get married."
Because trying to fuck you is l...
BRET EASTON ELLIS My meaning in saying he is a good man, is to have you understand me that he is sufficient.
WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE For me, life is a bowl of cherries.
SISSY SPACEK Mankind,” Henry found himself saying, “is a very large business.
COLM TóIBíN in this land some of us fuck more than
we die but most of us die
better than we fuck
CHARLES BUKOWSKI A lot of people lacked that gift: knowing when to fuck off.
GILLIAN FLYNN You can't be a pussy all your life Todd. Someday you're just gonna have to say fuck it.
DONALD RAY POLLOCK Fortunately, my care factor was now dangerously close to fuck-it levels.
KYLIE SCOTT Oh my God, Michelle thought, I think we’re making love. It was a term everyone barfed at. No one w...
MICHELLE TEA +"I think u are having a different sort of heartbreak. Maybe a kind of heartbreak of being in the wo...
KATHLEEN GLASGOW Keep driving," said a soft voice in my ear. "She will not bite if you keep driving."

Fuck...
DAVID WONG Fuck this.
Fuck this wondering. Fuck this trying and trying. Fuck this belief that two people c...
DAVID LEVITHAN Let's face it, there was a lot of criticism when he started in New York. I've been saying, if that w...
DON COOPER Fuck that. Fuck that idea like the fucking captain of the Thai Fuck Team fucking at the fucking Tour...
DAVID WONG Saying a man had sex with a child is like saying a man had dinner with the pork chop.
LINDA MCCARRISTON Love isn't the work of the tender and the gentle;
Love is the work of wrestlers.
The one w...
JALALUDDIN MEVLANA RUMI The opportunity to decieve others is ever present and often tempting, and each instance of deception...
SAM HARRIS Life is a risk.
CARMELO ANTHONY He - and if there is a God, I am convinced he is a he, because no woman could or would ever fuck thi...
GEORGE CARLIN Fuck you," said Czernobog. "Fuck you and fuck your mother and fuck the fucking horse you fucking rod...
NEIL GAIMAN What's a fuck when what I want is love?
HENRY MILLER [T]he definition of 'crazy' in show business is a woman who keeps talking even after no one wants to...
TINA FEY FUCK UNITY! FUCK CONSENSUS! There was no unity or consensus during the American Revolution. We had p...
A.E. SAMAAN She whispers in my ear: ‘"Tell me that you wan' fuck me hard, make me sweat." In the excitement, s...
JOE DUNTHORNE Fuck fear, and fuck Kit and fuck love. I don't need any of that muggle shit.
TARRYN FISHER Fuck a zombie!
CHARLAINE HARRIS Don’t fuck yourself waiting for fair. Understand? Listening? You will fuck yourself waiting for fa...
CHRIS LYNCH Without music, life is a journey through a desert.
PAT CONROY Life is a journey. When we stop, things don't go right.
POPE FRANCIS A simple fuck is one thing, but let a man sleep with you just once and he thinks he can bring his do...
MICHEL FABER It's a departure for me, ... I can't walk through the airport in Singapore without a little kid hang...
BRENDAN FRASER A man does not know what he is saying until he knows what he is not saying.
G. K. CHESTERTON He's saying it's time for a new face of the Democratic Party. He's not just saying, 'Akaka is old an...
IRA ROHTER Ok. You fuck me, then snub me. You love me, you hate me. You show me a sensitive side, then you turn...
CHUCK PALAHNIUK Fuck! The things she does to me with a simple kiss.
RENE WEBB If you were to let me fuck you, you would have to let me own you.
J.A. REDMERSKI They that envy others are their inferiors.
SAYING To the old saying that man built the house but woman made of it a ''home'' might be added the modern...
EMILY POST Fuck socialism!
No, really..... fuck socialism. Socialism sucks!
A.E. SAMAAN Fuck! Is one expected to be a gentleman when one is stiff?
MARQUIS DE SADE A woman can take care of the family. It takes a man to provide structure, to provide stability. Not ...
TOM DELAY You are a religious and a scholar; what the fuck?
M.F. MOONZAJER Empathy is the new measurement of everything. It doesn't matter what religion you have, what God you...
C. JOYBELL C. We drove to the hotel and said goodbye. How hypocritical to go upstairs with a man you don't want to...
ERICA JONG Dorothea: "What the fuck are you?"

Nix: "A man who wanted to be a God...then changed his ...
CLIVE BARKER That's a lot like saying the Empire State Building is the tallest building in New York, ... It's tru...
BRIAN WILLIAMS You fuck - you ate my cat!
KENDARE BLAKE Unless you want to fuck me, why do you care what I look like?
EMINEM Take away the right to say 'fuck' and you take away the right to say 'fuck the government.'
LENNY BRUCE Take away the right to say ‘fuck’ and you take away the right to say ‘fuck the government.
LENNY BRUCE Life is not a game. Still, in this life, we choose the games we live to play.
J.R. RIM Please, dear God, don't let me fuck up.
ALAN SHEPARD Please, dear God, don't let me fuck up.
ALAN B. SHEPARD, JR. Please, dear God, don't let me fuck up.
ALAN B. SHEPARD JR. You are already choosing, in every moment of every day, what to give a fuck about, so change is as s...
MARK MANSON If you had a million years to do it in, you couldn't rub out even half the "Fuck you" signs in the w...
J.D. SALINGER Life is a journey and it's about growing and changing and coming to terms with who and what you ...
KELLY MCGILLIS Life is a soccer field, don't you think?
SHAKIRA What do you want a meaning for? Life is a desire, not a meaning.
CHARLIE CHAPLIN The danger of civilization, of course, is that you will piss away your life on nonsense.
JIM HARRISON Every master loves to fuck a slave. It is a law of nature, or maybe culture.
ANNALEE NEWITZ Life is a school of probability.
WALTER BAGEHOT

More George Carlin

People who say they don't care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they...
GEORGE CARLIN I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a guy nailed to two pieces of wood.
GEORGE CARLIN Electricity is really just organized lightning.
GEORGE CARLIN Weather forecast for tonight: dark.
GEORGE CARLIN The status quo sucks.
GEORGE CARLIN May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
GEORGE CARLIN Some people see the glass half full. Others see it half empty.
I see a glass that's twice as bi...
GEORGE CARLIN When you step on the brakes your life is in your foot's hands.
GEORGE CARLIN Religion is just mind control.
GEORGE CARLIN One can never know for sure what a deserted area looks like.
GEORGE CARLIN There's no present. There's only the immediate future and the recent past.
GEORGE CARLIN The reason I talk to myself is that I'm the only one whose answers I accept.
GEORGE CARLIN Always do whatever's next.
GEORGE CARLIN Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, W...
GEORGE CARLIN One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
GEORGE CARLIN Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist.
GEORGE CARLIN People who say they don't care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they don...
GEORGE CARLIN Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time.
GEORGE CARLIN I'm completely in favor of the
separation of Church and State.
... These two institution...
GEORGE CARLIN What do dogs do on their day off?; Can't lie around – that's their job!
GEORGE CARLIN That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.
GEORGE CARLIN If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
GEORGE CARLIN Meow” means “woof” in cat.
GEORGE CARLIN Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
GEORGE CARLIN Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reaso...
GEORGE CARLIN The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.
GEORGE CARLIN Don't give your money to the church. They should be giving their money to you.
GEORGE CARLIN Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
GEORGE CARLIN People say, 'I'm going to sleep now,' as if it were nothing. But it's really a bizarre activity. 'Fo...
GEORGE CARLIN Some people see things that are and ask, Why?
Some people dream of things that never were and ...
GEORGE CARLIN I like it when a flower or a little tuft of grass grows through a crack in the concrete. It's so fuc...
GEORGE CARLIN Religion has actually convinced people that there's an invisible man living in the sky who watches e...
GEORGE CARLIN It was my uncle who taught me about the birds and the bees. He sat me down one day and said, 'Rememb...
GEORGE CARLIN How can He be perfect? Everything He ever makes...dies.
GEORGE CARLIN I think the warning labels on alcoholic beverages are too bland. They should be more vivid. Here is ...
GEORGE CARLIN How is it possible to have a civil war?
GEORGE CARLIN The planet is fine. The people are fucked.
GEORGE CARLIN We're so self-important. So arrogant. Everybody's going to save something now. Save the trees, save ...
GEORGE CARLIN We’re so self-important. Everybody’s going to save something now. “Save the trees, save the be...
GEORGE CARLIN Tell people there's an invisible man in the sky who created the universe, and the vast majority will...
GEORGE CARLIN The caterpillar does all the work, but the butterfly gets all the publicity.
GEORGE CARLIN I have a suggestion that I think would help fight serious crime. Signs. There are lots of signs for ...
GEORGE CARLIN May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.-
GEORGE CARLIN Rhetoric paints with a broad brush.
GEORGE CARLIN There's no present. There's only the immediate future and the recent past.
GEORGE CARLIN We're having something a little different this year for Thanksgiving. Instead of a turkey, we're hav...
GEORGE CARLIN Some people see the cup as half empty. Some people see the cup as half full. I see the cup as too la...
GEORGE CARLIN Dusting is a good example of the futility of trying to put things right. As soon as you dust, the fa...
GEORGE CARLIN Some national parks have long waiting lists for camping reservations. When you have to wait a year t...
GEORGE CARLIN Regarding the Boy Scouts, I'm very suspicious of any organization that has a handbook
GEORGE CARLIN Scientists announced today that they have discovered a cure for apathy. However, they claim no one h...
GEORGE CARLIN Instead of warning pregnant women not to drink, I think female alcoholics should be told not to fuck
GEORGE CARLIN The caterpillar does all the work but the butterfly gets all the publicity
GEORGE CARLIN Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn't mean the circus has left town.
GEORGE CARLIN I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institution...
GEORGE CARLIN I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don't have as many people who believe it.
GEORGE CARLIN ... And what about Zombies? You never hear from Zombies! That's the trouble with Zombies, they're ...
GEORGE CARLIN Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you i...
GEORGE CARLIN I recently went to a new doctor and noticed he was located in something called the Professional Buil...
GEORGE CARLIN Why is there so much controversy about drug testing? I know plenty of guys who would be willing to t...
GEORGE CARLIN Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it.
GEORGE CARLIN I do this real moron thing, and it's called thinking. And apparently I'm not a very good American be...
GEORGE CARLIN I bet you anything that 10 times out of 10, Nicky, Vinny and Tony will beat the shit out of Todd, Ky...
GEORGE CARLIN The more syllables a euphemism has, the further divorced from reality it is
GEORGE CARLIN He - and if there is a God, I am convinced he is a he, because no woman could or would ever fuck thi...
GEORGE CARLIN There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls.
GEORGE CARLIN Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
GEORGE CARLIN Not only do I not know what's going on, I wouldn't know what to do about it if I did.
GEORGE CARLIN Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.
GEORGE CARLIN By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth.
GEORGE CARLIN Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn't mean the circus has left town.
GEORGE CARLIN 'I am' is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that 'I ...
GEORGE CARLIN Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than...
GEORGE CARLIN If your kid needs a role model and you ain't it, you're both fucked.
GEORGE CARLIN Personally, if I were trying to discourage people from smoking, my sign would be a little different....
GEORGE CARLIN Age is a hell of a price to pay for wisdom
GEORGE CARLIN Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
GEORGE CARLIN Standing ovations have become far too commonplace. What we need are ovations where the audience memb...
GEORGE CARLIN I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where's the self-help section?' She sai...
GEORGE CARLIN If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten.
GEORGE CARLIN The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
GEORGE CARLIN You know an odd feeling? Sitting on the toilet eating a chocolate candy bar.
GEORGE CARLIN At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.
GEORGE CARLIN Oh Beautiful for smoggy skies, insecticided grain,
For strip-mined mountain's majesty above the...
GEORGE CARLIN Scratch any cynic and you will find a disappointed idealist.
GEORGE CARLIN Religion is like a pair of shoes.....Find one that fits for you, but don't make me wear your shoes.
GEORGE CARLIN When I was a kid, if a guy got killed in a western movie I always wondered who got his horse
GEORGE CARLIN I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it d...
GEORGE CARLIN Regarding the fitness craze: America has lost its soul; now it's trying to save its body.
GEORGE CARLIN Everyone smiles in the same language.
GEORGE CARLIN But when you're in front of an audience and you make them laugh at a new idea, you're guiding the wh...
GEORGE CARLIN My mother would say, 'Why are you always playing alone?' And I would say, 'I'm not playin', Ma. I'm ...
GEORGE CARLIN I'm not concerned about all hell breaking loose, but that a PART of hell will break loose... it&...
GEORGE CARLIN It turned out I was pretty good in science. But again, because of the small budget, in science class...
GEORGE CARLIN I'm always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I'm listening to it.
GEORGE CARLIN When Thomas Edison worked late into the night on the electric light, he had to do it by gas lamp or ...
GEORGE CARLIN I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she tol...
GEORGE CARLIN Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things
GEORGE CARLIN I don't have hobbies; hobbies cost money. Interests are quite free.
GEORGE CARLIN When someone asks you, A penny for your thoughts, and you put your two cents in, what happens to the...
GEORGE CARLIN Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? Th...
GEORGE CARLIN Weather forecast for tonight: dark. Continued dark overnight, with widely scattered light by morning...
GEORGE CARLIN Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
GEORGE CARLIN The very existence of flamethrowers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, "Y...
GEORGE CARLIN It's never just a game when you're winning.
GEORGE CARLIN If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delight...
GEORGE CARLIN If it's true that our species is alone in the universe, then I'd have to say that the universe aimed...
GEORGE CARLIN I'm not concerned about all hell breaking loose, but that a PART of hell will break loose... it'll b...
GEORGE CARLIN I think it's the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.
GEORGE CARLIN Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dish...
GEORGE CARLIN Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.
GEORGE CARLIN As a matter of principle, I never attend the first annual anything.
GEORGE CARLIN The very existence of flamethrowers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, GEORGE CARLIN I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good Amercian because I like to...
GEORGE CARLIN Let a smile be your umbrella, and you'll end up with a face full of rain.
GEORGE CARLIN Just think of how stupid the average person is, and then realize half of them are even stupider!
GEORGE CARLIN Little-known fact: When the stock exchange closes, the guy who comes out on the balcony with that b...
GEORGE CARLIN If we could just find out who's in charge, we could kill him
GEORGE CARLIN In Rome, the emperor sat in a special part of the Coliseum called the Caesarian Section
GEORGE CARLIN If it requires a uniform it's a worthless endeavor
GEORGE CARLIN The next time they give you all that civic bullshit about voting, keep in mind that Hitler was elect...
GEORGE CARLIN The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends. I mean, life is tough. It takes up a lot of you...
GEORGE CARLIN Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fires, what do freedom fighters fight?
GEORGE CARLIN we get what we deserve. They are our elected officials.
GEORGE CARLIN When you're born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you're born in America, you get a ...
GEORGE CARLIN You know an odd feeling? Sitting on the toilet eating a chocolate candy bar
GEORGE CARLIN Is fuel efficiency really what we need most desperately? I say what we really need is a car that can...
GEORGE CARLIN If you think there's a solution, you're part of the problem
GEORGE CARLIN In America, anyone can become president. That's the problem.
GEORGE CARLIN When someone is impatient and says, 'I haven't got all day,' I always wonder, How can th...
GEORGE CARLIN Don’t just teach your children to read…
Teach them to question what they read.
Teach t...
GEORGE CARLIN Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
GEORGE CARLIN I don't know how you feel, but I'm pretty sick of church people. You know what they ought to do with...
GEORGE CARLIN I have as much authority as the Pope. I just don’t have as many people who believe it.
GEORGE CARLIN Something is wrong here. War, disease, death, destruction, hunger, filth, poverty, torture, crime, c...
GEORGE CARLIN I tried to believe that there is a God, who created each of us in His own image and likeness, loves ...
GEORGE CARLIN Conservatives say if you don't give the rich more money, they will lose their incentive to invest. A...
GEORGE CARLIN There's also way too much religion in the South to be consistent with good mental health.

GEORGE CARLIN So I say, “Live and let live.” That’s my motto. “Live and let live.” And anyone who can’...
GEORGE CARLIN THINGS YOU NEVER HEAR: 'Please stop sucking my dick or I'll call the police.
GEORGE CARLIN Some people have no idea what they're doing, and a lot of them are really good at it.
GEORGE CARLIN I think these pipe-smokers oughta just move to the next level and go ahead and suck a dick. There's ...
GEORGE CARLIN I don't like ass kissers, flag wavers or team players. I like people who buck the system. Individual...
GEORGE CARLIN When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to hear '27 months.' 'He's two' will do just fine. ...
GEORGE CARLIN If it’s true that our species is alone in the universe, then I’d have to say the universe aimed ...
GEORGE CARLIN There are women named Faith, Hope, Joy, and Prudence. Why not Despair, Guilt, Rage, and Grief? It se...
GEORGE CARLIN If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten
GEORGE CARLIN [On school uniforms] Don't these schools do enough damage making all these kids think alike, now the...
GEORGE CARLIN Life is a series of dogs
GEORGE CARLIN I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where's the self-help section?' She said if she tol...
GEORGE CARLIN So, have a little fun. Soon enough you'll be dead and burning in Hell with the rest of your family.
GEORGE CARLIN I read that Monica Seles got stabbed. And although I have nothing against Monica Seles, I'm glad som...
GEORGE CARLIN May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
GEORGE CARLIN May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.-.
GEORGE CARLIN I was thinking about how people seem to read the bible a lot more as they get older, and then it daw...
GEORGE CARLIN They call it the 'American Dream' because you have to be asleep to believe it.
GEORGE CARLIN One can never know for sure what a deserted area looks like
GEORGE CARLIN Comedy is a socially acceptable form of hostility and aggression. That is what comics do, stand the ...
GEORGE CARLIN I have no emotional stake in Panda fucking.
GEORGE CARLIN Jesus was a cross dresser
GEORGE CARLIN By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth
GEORGE CARLIN The word bipartisan means some larger-than-usual deception is being carried out
GEORGE CARLIN Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity
GEORGE CARLIN What makes me nervous is when I am at an airport and the stewardess says get on the plane. I say fuc...
GEORGE CARLIN Most people with low self-esteem have earned it
GEORGE CARLIN If God had intended us not to masturbate he would've made our arms shorter
GEORGE CARLIN If churches want to play the game of politics, let them pay admission like everyone else
GEORGE CARLIN I don't vote. Two reasons. First of all it's meaningless; this country was bought and sold a long ti...
GEORGE CARLIN If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
GEORGE CARLIN I believe you can joke about anything.
GEORGE CARLIN I'm the creative type,
GEORGE CARLIN When I got out of high school they retired my jersey, but it was for hygiene and sanitary reasons
GEORGE CARLIN Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac.
GEORGE CARLIN He had a sort of pain that was fairly evident.
GEORGE CARLIN Rich White Men Don't Care About Poor Black People
GEORGE CARLIN You get to play with people's little danger zones.
GEORGE CARLIN 'We hope you enjoy your stay in Chicago or wherever your final destination may be.' All destinations...
GEORGE CARLIN When you stress individualism, as this country does; materialism, as this country does; personal wea...
GEORGE CARLIN In comic strips, the person on the right always speaks first.
GEORGE CARLIN In labor news, longshoremen walked off the piers today; rescue operations are continuing
GEORGE CARLIN I went straight from shenanigans to cries against humanity
GEORGE CARLIN A man came up to me on the street and said I used to be messed up out of my mind on drugs but now I'...
GEORGE CARLIN I tell ya, if I hadn't chosen the career of being a performer, I think linguistics would have been a...
GEORGE CARLIN If you’re reading it in a book, folks, it ain’t self-help. It’s help.
GEORGE CARLIN If the Reds were baseball's first team, who did they play?
GEORGE CARLIN What if Alexander Graham Bell's name were Alexander Graham Siren? The phone wouldn't ring, it would ...
GEORGE CARLIN Little-known fact: When the stock exchange closes, the guy who comes out on the balcony with that bi...
GEORGE CARLIN Excuse me, officer, but would you mind bringing the wreckage a little closer this way? My wife can't...
GEORGE CARLIN Everything beeps now
GEORGE CARLIN You live eighty years, and at best you get about six minutes of pure magic
GEORGE CARLIN Think about it,
GEORGE CARLIN I remember when I was a kid I used to come home from Sunday School and my mother would get drunk and...
GEORGE CARLIN Most people are not particularly good at anything
GEORGE CARLIN I enjoy watching reruns of Saturday Night Live and counting all the dead people
GEORGE CARLIN When Thomas Edison worked late into the night on the electric light, he had to do it by gas lamp or ...
GEORGE CARLIN What are you going to do, play with your prick for another 20 to 30 years,>Read People Magazine your...
GEORGE CARLIN One thing i don't understand is sex is legal and selling things is legal but selling sex is illegal.
GEORGE CARLIN “The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.”
GEORGE CARLIN If a piece requires some specific inflection, I'll record it. I take a lot of notes, and later categ...
GEORGE CARLIN Without the laughs, the audience wouldn't be there at all, so in that sense, yes, I am a comedian.
GEORGE CARLIN