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A man came up to me on the street and said I used to be messed up out of my mind on drugs but now I'm messed up out of my mind on Jeeesus Chriiist


George Carlin

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I got sucker-punched totally out of the blue... wham! and that messed up my neck again, and that's w...
CHRISTOPHER DUNN A lot of the messed-up stuff that men inflict on women is kind of a symptom of the messed-up stuff t...
BEN SCHNETZER She has been Stalinized out of literary history on the theory that she messed up Eliot's life.
MICHAEL HASTINGS I just messed up on the par-5s.
BILLY MAYFAIR It's just little things I kind of messed up on,
ASHLEY LELIE Yeah, because I didn't have to be on the bases today, ... I [messed] up enough.
EMIL BROWN It had me messed up in the mind to trust the gold course, that was the hardest thing for me.
JOE MITCHELL Steroids Messed Up My Life.
ELLEN SIMON Our spacing got kind of messed up. I tried to back it out, but I had to pick it (his dribble) up.
ISAIAH SWANN They got messed up on the switches and left me open. Luckily, Malik found me.
MAARTY LEUNEN This is out of the blue. Everything you could have messed up, we messed up out there. These guys hav...
MIKE SCIOSCIA I'm beginning to realize we're all messed up people in a messed up world just trying to not have suc...
JOVIAN KRYNICKI Man, me and Biggie were the biggest artists in New York. When he passed, I was so messed up. My atti...
NAS I was such a messed up person and he was still holding on.
HOLLY HOOD There's something messed up with my brain.
RYAN GOSLING My mother never gave up one me. I messed up in school so much they were sending me home, but my moth...
DENZEL WASHINGTON He said he had messed up.
CAPT. LENZIE STEWART I moved from Cleveland to L.A. with a girlfriend, we broke up, and I lived out of my car for a year ...
DREW CAREY When I was born, they put casts on my legs 'cause I had some kind of dysplasia or something. My ...
BEBE NEUWIRTH I'm my worst critic, and I like the fact that I can listen to myself now and make fun of myself,...
MARY J. BLIGE I really wanted to win the 50 being the top seed in that, but I messed up my dive. So also being the...
COURTNEY CASHION Man, I'm messed up right now. My best friend is my father? The man I idolized as a kid... whose tatt...
SHERRILYN KENYON Our tires just weren't any good at the end. I messed up on that restart and Kyle got me, and that en...
MATT KENSETH I would have absolutely messed up 'The Matrix'.
WILL SMITH You are truly messed up. You really are, ... You are truly messed up.
OPRAH WINFREY I don't know if there's one individual driver. Ricky is kinda all of the drivers, and none of them a...
WILL FERRELL dont read my diary when im gone, ok im going to work now , when you wake up please read my diary, lo...
KURT COBAIN We messed up a little bit on the bars, but these kids are fighters. They do not quit.
KAREN KUHLMANN They've got to be really messed up to do something like that. They simply were throwing the rabbits ...
NANCY LAROCHE If music is a type of therapy ,why am I still messed up?
ANDONI GARCIA Am I on your mind or out of my mind !
SYED SHARUKH I try to block it out of my mind. I have not been thinking about it, just, you know, sitting up ther...
CYNTHIA MCFADDEN How did life get so messed up?”
Maggie dabbed at the corners of her eyes and exhaled, quietin...
LAUREN GILLEY I messed my pants,” he said.
JAMES LEE BURKE I came from a different mind-set growing up, and my mind has changed.
KATY PERRY It should be quite a (messed)-up shoot.
GREG GARCIA One thing coach Rob taught me stuck in my mind. He said a degree is worth $100,000. My mind just lit...
ARTHUR HAMLIN That was me. I messed up, ... My main job is to keep guys off him. That's what I'm planning to do fo...
JAMES REED Music is a job, but I figured out ways to get my mind into a place where I could be creative. I actu...
FLUME If the devil has messed up your life; remember, God can bring the best out of your mess!
тαмιℓιαηρσηηυ What we call “Higher” behavior is elaborated by our abstract mind to ensure survival by an effic...
HAROUTIOUN BOCHNAKIAN Money was always on my mind when I was growing up. So I was always wondering how we were going to af...
LEONARDO DICAPRIO I get it from my dad. He's always been there pushing me, telling me when I messed up and how I can d...
DON BRADSHAW So revenge is obviously a deeply messed-up expression of vindictiveness. It is hard to even call it ...
VENKATESH G. RAO I'm not perfect, I do drink. I do smoke. Carson [Carson Daly] can't go out and get messed up, he can...
TARA REID To much has happened too fast Dear Diary. What I want is for nothing to happen at all.
I don't...
LEE SMITH I felt good, on top of the crease, waiting for the puck. I wasn't reacting to too many things that m...
BRENT JOHNSON The effort was there. I was physical. I didn't bust any big plays. It was the little things I kind o...
ASHLEY LELIE [Barry Bonds, his name continually linked to suspicion of steroid use, later broached the subject.] ...
BARRY BONDS Right now, I just have to separate my offense and my defense so you don't take the uncomfortableness...
CHAD TRACY We're all messed up today.
CAROLINE MATHES i can not go through the ocean. i can not drive the streets at night. i can not wake up in the morni...
A FINE FRENZY I thought Daniel and Austin did a real good job all game on the perimeter. We did a good job closing...
GREG GOODLEY If there's a theme to where I'm at in my life, it's that 'warts and all' is actu...
MARTI NOXON I wasn't used to coming off the bench. I was mentally messed up. I wasn't playing a lot. I just wasn...
HILTON PITTS I have not lost my mind - it's backed up on disk somewhere.
UNKNOWN It was strange playing on a Saturday, ... I really felt like it affected us - and probably messed up...
JERRY HAYES Im on a roller coaster that only goes up my friend.
JOHN GREEN My mind tells me to give up, but my heart won't let me.
SIR JOHN VANBRUGH My mind tells me to give up, but my heart won't let me.
NEIL GAIMAN I don't mind if my skull ends up on a shelf as long as it's got my name on it.
DEBBIE HARRY And she had the magic I had never come across all my life. A minute with her messed up my mind and h...
AKSHAY VASU I still don't think that my doctors told me exactly how bad it was. They told my wife. They tried to...
ERNIE ELS I did stand-up. I loved George Carlin and Steve Martin.
STEVE BUSCEMI Writing on the beach is not what it's cracked up to be. The sand blows, and you perspire, and th...
ELMORE LEONARD My video game character is a bit better looking than me, actually. I don't think he has to worry...
LLEYTON HEWITT As a kid growing up in the back streets of Dublin I used to pretend I was playing in the World Cup w...
ROBBIE KEANE But the most important part of her ritual was cleaning the toilet. In order to prevent the spread of...
ANDREA KAYNE KAUFMAN I wouldn't say it was a competition. We always pushed each other, whether I messed up or he messed u...
FRED HICKS It was one of my individual side goals to try and get it before we started going on the road a lot. ...
CASSIE HAHL If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be messed-up.
MITCH HEDBERG I messed it up while riding with Cary Hart.
KIT COPE Gods, it was a messed up day when I was the voice of reason.
JENNIFER L. ARMENTROUT Now I'm on television, I'm far more conscious of my skin than I used to be - I would often l...
DARCEY BUSSELL Music is my therapy and my straitjacket. Music keeps me sane and keeps my mind on something. It'...
WILL.I.AM I'm fed up with airlines going in and out of bankruptcy. On one hand, I've just become so used to it...
BARRY GRAHAM When it comes down to it, a rule is a rule. I messed up. But, in a way I'm kind of glad it's all ove...
ERIC OSMER He just messed up, but I don't take it out on him over and over. It happened, but it hurt me how he ...
GRADY LOVE That I learned even as a three year-old that I see this world that is really a mess and I learned to...
STORY MUSGRAVE I'm kind of a perfectionist, and it gets in the way with my putting sometimes. Golf is a messed-...
CAMILO VILLEGAS It felt a little as if we'd found a script that had been written just for us, and we were reading th...
NANCY GARDEN I messed up. That's what we practiced all this week. My head just wasn't into it, it was a matter of...
JUAN CHAVARRIA It was Dec. 22, 1981. I figured I had messed up enough, and I decided to have a little faith and let...
GLEN CAMPBELL Seeing people get messed up never gets un-funny! And there's plenty of ways to do that.
BAM MARGERA In my arms is a woman who has given me a Skywatcher's Cloud Chart, a woman who knows all my secrets,...
MATTHEW QUICK Growing up in Florida, it rained a lot, so we spent a lot of time indoors. I used to love Frogger. I...
JENNIFER SKY It didn't really swell up on me, so I came out and tried to run around on it a little bit, but I rea...
ANDRE JOHNSON Some people looked really messed up. There were rivers of blood.
DESMOND EDWARDS Getting an official animal wouldn't be real high up on my priority list, but it certainly wouldn't b...
KATHY PATTERSON I just liked stand-up comedy so much. I used to memorize Bill Cosby albums and other people's al...
DREW CAREY Oddly enough, my partner went on Prodigy when it first came out, and I ended up playing with some of...
BOBBY SHERMAN I don't know. I'm into the pros now. After the last one, it took a lot out of me because I really ha...
FRANK GENTILE It kind of kept coming up in my mind: I've got a no-hitter; I can't let them get on.
JOSH MONTGOMERY Somehow things got messed up. There were three different groups all together. They basically put us ...
DON HAYES The Heart always wins out over the mind, The heart, although reckless and suicidal and masochist all...
J.A. REDMERSKI Some guys travel with expensive Louis Vuitton luggage but it gets all scratched up under the plane. ...
JAMES HARDEN Personally, I think it's messed up. We would have been a beast.
KENYON MARTIN I done that because this was messed up. We weren't surrendering. We were fed up. ... It's good now, ...
KERRY WEST I don't mind if my skull ends up on a shelf as long as it's got my name on it.
DEBBIE HARRY We just messed up because we were lackadaisical.
BURT MYERS

More George Carlin

People who say they don't care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they...
GEORGE CARLIN I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a guy nailed to two pieces of wood.
GEORGE CARLIN Electricity is really just organized lightning.
GEORGE CARLIN Weather forecast for tonight: dark.
GEORGE CARLIN The status quo sucks.
GEORGE CARLIN May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
GEORGE CARLIN Some people see the glass half full. Others see it half empty.
I see a glass that's twice as bi...
GEORGE CARLIN When you step on the brakes your life is in your foot's hands.
GEORGE CARLIN Religion is just mind control.
GEORGE CARLIN One can never know for sure what a deserted area looks like.
GEORGE CARLIN There's no present. There's only the immediate future and the recent past.
GEORGE CARLIN The reason I talk to myself is that I'm the only one whose answers I accept.
GEORGE CARLIN Always do whatever's next.
GEORGE CARLIN Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, W...
GEORGE CARLIN One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
GEORGE CARLIN Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist.
GEORGE CARLIN People who say they don't care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they don...
GEORGE CARLIN Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time.
GEORGE CARLIN I'm completely in favor of the
separation of Church and State.
... These two institution...
GEORGE CARLIN What do dogs do on their day off?; Can't lie around – that's their job!
GEORGE CARLIN That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.
GEORGE CARLIN If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
GEORGE CARLIN Meow” means “woof” in cat.
GEORGE CARLIN Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
GEORGE CARLIN Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reaso...
GEORGE CARLIN The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.
GEORGE CARLIN Don't give your money to the church. They should be giving their money to you.
GEORGE CARLIN Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
GEORGE CARLIN People say, 'I'm going to sleep now,' as if it were nothing. But it's really a bizarre activity. 'Fo...
GEORGE CARLIN Some people see things that are and ask, Why?
Some people dream of things that never were and ...
GEORGE CARLIN I like it when a flower or a little tuft of grass grows through a crack in the concrete. It's so fuc...
GEORGE CARLIN Religion has actually convinced people that there's an invisible man living in the sky who watches e...
GEORGE CARLIN It was my uncle who taught me about the birds and the bees. He sat me down one day and said, 'Rememb...
GEORGE CARLIN How can He be perfect? Everything He ever makes...dies.
GEORGE CARLIN I think the warning labels on alcoholic beverages are too bland. They should be more vivid. Here is ...
GEORGE CARLIN How is it possible to have a civil war?
GEORGE CARLIN The planet is fine. The people are fucked.
GEORGE CARLIN We're so self-important. So arrogant. Everybody's going to save something now. Save the trees, save ...
GEORGE CARLIN We’re so self-important. Everybody’s going to save something now. “Save the trees, save the be...
GEORGE CARLIN Tell people there's an invisible man in the sky who created the universe, and the vast majority will...
GEORGE CARLIN The caterpillar does all the work, but the butterfly gets all the publicity.
GEORGE CARLIN I have a suggestion that I think would help fight serious crime. Signs. There are lots of signs for ...
GEORGE CARLIN May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.-
GEORGE CARLIN Rhetoric paints with a broad brush.
GEORGE CARLIN There's no present. There's only the immediate future and the recent past.
GEORGE CARLIN We're having something a little different this year for Thanksgiving. Instead of a turkey, we're hav...
GEORGE CARLIN Some people see the cup as half empty. Some people see the cup as half full. I see the cup as too la...
GEORGE CARLIN Dusting is a good example of the futility of trying to put things right. As soon as you dust, the fa...
GEORGE CARLIN Some national parks have long waiting lists for camping reservations. When you have to wait a year t...
GEORGE CARLIN Regarding the Boy Scouts, I'm very suspicious of any organization that has a handbook
GEORGE CARLIN Scientists announced today that they have discovered a cure for apathy. However, they claim no one h...
GEORGE CARLIN Instead of warning pregnant women not to drink, I think female alcoholics should be told not to fuck
GEORGE CARLIN The caterpillar does all the work but the butterfly gets all the publicity
GEORGE CARLIN Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn't mean the circus has left town.
GEORGE CARLIN I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institution...
GEORGE CARLIN I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don't have as many people who believe it.
GEORGE CARLIN ... And what about Zombies? You never hear from Zombies! That's the trouble with Zombies, they're ...
GEORGE CARLIN Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you i...
GEORGE CARLIN I recently went to a new doctor and noticed he was located in something called the Professional Buil...
GEORGE CARLIN Why is there so much controversy about drug testing? I know plenty of guys who would be willing to t...
GEORGE CARLIN Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it.
GEORGE CARLIN I do this real moron thing, and it's called thinking. And apparently I'm not a very good American be...
GEORGE CARLIN I bet you anything that 10 times out of 10, Nicky, Vinny and Tony will beat the shit out of Todd, Ky...
GEORGE CARLIN The more syllables a euphemism has, the further divorced from reality it is
GEORGE CARLIN He - and if there is a God, I am convinced he is a he, because no woman could or would ever fuck thi...
GEORGE CARLIN There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls.
GEORGE CARLIN Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
GEORGE CARLIN Not only do I not know what's going on, I wouldn't know what to do about it if I did.
GEORGE CARLIN Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.
GEORGE CARLIN By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth.
GEORGE CARLIN Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn't mean the circus has left town.
GEORGE CARLIN 'I am' is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that 'I ...
GEORGE CARLIN Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than...
GEORGE CARLIN If your kid needs a role model and you ain't it, you're both fucked.
GEORGE CARLIN Personally, if I were trying to discourage people from smoking, my sign would be a little different....
GEORGE CARLIN Age is a hell of a price to pay for wisdom
GEORGE CARLIN Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
GEORGE CARLIN Standing ovations have become far too commonplace. What we need are ovations where the audience memb...
GEORGE CARLIN I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where's the self-help section?' She sai...
GEORGE CARLIN If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten.
GEORGE CARLIN The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
GEORGE CARLIN You know an odd feeling? Sitting on the toilet eating a chocolate candy bar.
GEORGE CARLIN At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.
GEORGE CARLIN Oh Beautiful for smoggy skies, insecticided grain,
For strip-mined mountain's majesty above the...
GEORGE CARLIN Scratch any cynic and you will find a disappointed idealist.
GEORGE CARLIN Religion is like a pair of shoes.....Find one that fits for you, but don't make me wear your shoes.
GEORGE CARLIN When I was a kid, if a guy got killed in a western movie I always wondered who got his horse
GEORGE CARLIN I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it d...
GEORGE CARLIN Regarding the fitness craze: America has lost its soul; now it's trying to save its body.
GEORGE CARLIN Everyone smiles in the same language.
GEORGE CARLIN But when you're in front of an audience and you make them laugh at a new idea, you're guiding the wh...
GEORGE CARLIN My mother would say, 'Why are you always playing alone?' And I would say, 'I'm not playin', Ma. I'm ...
GEORGE CARLIN I'm not concerned about all hell breaking loose, but that a PART of hell will break loose... it&...
GEORGE CARLIN It turned out I was pretty good in science. But again, because of the small budget, in science class...
GEORGE CARLIN I'm always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I'm listening to it.
GEORGE CARLIN When Thomas Edison worked late into the night on the electric light, he had to do it by gas lamp or ...
GEORGE CARLIN I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she tol...
GEORGE CARLIN Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things
GEORGE CARLIN I don't have hobbies; hobbies cost money. Interests are quite free.
GEORGE CARLIN When someone asks you, A penny for your thoughts, and you put your two cents in, what happens to the...
GEORGE CARLIN Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? Th...
GEORGE CARLIN Weather forecast for tonight: dark. Continued dark overnight, with widely scattered light by morning...
GEORGE CARLIN Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
GEORGE CARLIN The very existence of flamethrowers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, "Y...
GEORGE CARLIN It's never just a game when you're winning.
GEORGE CARLIN If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delight...
GEORGE CARLIN If it's true that our species is alone in the universe, then I'd have to say that the universe aimed...
GEORGE CARLIN I'm not concerned about all hell breaking loose, but that a PART of hell will break loose... it'll b...
GEORGE CARLIN I think it's the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.
GEORGE CARLIN Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dish...
GEORGE CARLIN Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.
GEORGE CARLIN As a matter of principle, I never attend the first annual anything.
GEORGE CARLIN The very existence of flamethrowers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, GEORGE CARLIN I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good Amercian because I like to...
GEORGE CARLIN Let a smile be your umbrella, and you'll end up with a face full of rain.
GEORGE CARLIN Just think of how stupid the average person is, and then realize half of them are even stupider!
GEORGE CARLIN Little-known fact: When the stock exchange closes, the guy who comes out on the balcony with that b...
GEORGE CARLIN If we could just find out who's in charge, we could kill him
GEORGE CARLIN In Rome, the emperor sat in a special part of the Coliseum called the Caesarian Section
GEORGE CARLIN If it requires a uniform it's a worthless endeavor
GEORGE CARLIN The next time they give you all that civic bullshit about voting, keep in mind that Hitler was elect...
GEORGE CARLIN The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends. I mean, life is tough. It takes up a lot of you...
GEORGE CARLIN Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fires, what do freedom fighters fight?
GEORGE CARLIN we get what we deserve. They are our elected officials.
GEORGE CARLIN When you're born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you're born in America, you get a ...
GEORGE CARLIN You know an odd feeling? Sitting on the toilet eating a chocolate candy bar
GEORGE CARLIN Is fuel efficiency really what we need most desperately? I say what we really need is a car that can...
GEORGE CARLIN If you think there's a solution, you're part of the problem
GEORGE CARLIN In America, anyone can become president. That's the problem.
GEORGE CARLIN When someone is impatient and says, 'I haven't got all day,' I always wonder, How can th...
GEORGE CARLIN Don’t just teach your children to read…
Teach them to question what they read.
Teach t...
GEORGE CARLIN Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
GEORGE CARLIN I don't know how you feel, but I'm pretty sick of church people. You know what they ought to do with...
GEORGE CARLIN I have as much authority as the Pope. I just don’t have as many people who believe it.
GEORGE CARLIN Something is wrong here. War, disease, death, destruction, hunger, filth, poverty, torture, crime, c...
GEORGE CARLIN I tried to believe that there is a God, who created each of us in His own image and likeness, loves ...
GEORGE CARLIN Conservatives say if you don't give the rich more money, they will lose their incentive to invest. A...
GEORGE CARLIN There's also way too much religion in the South to be consistent with good mental health.

GEORGE CARLIN So I say, “Live and let live.” That’s my motto. “Live and let live.” And anyone who can’...
GEORGE CARLIN THINGS YOU NEVER HEAR: 'Please stop sucking my dick or I'll call the police.
GEORGE CARLIN Some people have no idea what they're doing, and a lot of them are really good at it.
GEORGE CARLIN I think these pipe-smokers oughta just move to the next level and go ahead and suck a dick. There's ...
GEORGE CARLIN I don't like ass kissers, flag wavers or team players. I like people who buck the system. Individual...
GEORGE CARLIN When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to hear '27 months.' 'He's two' will do just fine. ...
GEORGE CARLIN If it’s true that our species is alone in the universe, then I’d have to say the universe aimed ...
GEORGE CARLIN There are women named Faith, Hope, Joy, and Prudence. Why not Despair, Guilt, Rage, and Grief? It se...
GEORGE CARLIN If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten
GEORGE CARLIN [On school uniforms] Don't these schools do enough damage making all these kids think alike, now the...
GEORGE CARLIN Life is a series of dogs
GEORGE CARLIN I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where's the self-help section?' She said if she tol...
GEORGE CARLIN So, have a little fun. Soon enough you'll be dead and burning in Hell with the rest of your family.
GEORGE CARLIN I read that Monica Seles got stabbed. And although I have nothing against Monica Seles, I'm glad som...
GEORGE CARLIN May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
GEORGE CARLIN May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.-.
GEORGE CARLIN I was thinking about how people seem to read the bible a lot more as they get older, and then it daw...
GEORGE CARLIN They call it the 'American Dream' because you have to be asleep to believe it.
GEORGE CARLIN One can never know for sure what a deserted area looks like
GEORGE CARLIN Comedy is a socially acceptable form of hostility and aggression. That is what comics do, stand the ...
GEORGE CARLIN I have no emotional stake in Panda fucking.
GEORGE CARLIN Jesus was a cross dresser
GEORGE CARLIN By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth
GEORGE CARLIN The word bipartisan means some larger-than-usual deception is being carried out
GEORGE CARLIN Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity
GEORGE CARLIN What makes me nervous is when I am at an airport and the stewardess says get on the plane. I say fuc...
GEORGE CARLIN Most people with low self-esteem have earned it
GEORGE CARLIN If God had intended us not to masturbate he would've made our arms shorter
GEORGE CARLIN If churches want to play the game of politics, let them pay admission like everyone else
GEORGE CARLIN I don't vote. Two reasons. First of all it's meaningless; this country was bought and sold a long ti...
GEORGE CARLIN If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
GEORGE CARLIN I believe you can joke about anything.
GEORGE CARLIN I'm the creative type,
GEORGE CARLIN When I got out of high school they retired my jersey, but it was for hygiene and sanitary reasons
GEORGE CARLIN Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac.
GEORGE CARLIN He had a sort of pain that was fairly evident.
GEORGE CARLIN Rich White Men Don't Care About Poor Black People
GEORGE CARLIN You get to play with people's little danger zones.
GEORGE CARLIN 'We hope you enjoy your stay in Chicago or wherever your final destination may be.' All destinations...
GEORGE CARLIN When you stress individualism, as this country does; materialism, as this country does; personal wea...
GEORGE CARLIN In comic strips, the person on the right always speaks first.
GEORGE CARLIN In labor news, longshoremen walked off the piers today; rescue operations are continuing
GEORGE CARLIN I went straight from shenanigans to cries against humanity
GEORGE CARLIN I tell ya, if I hadn't chosen the career of being a performer, I think linguistics would have been a...
GEORGE CARLIN If you’re reading it in a book, folks, it ain’t self-help. It’s help.
GEORGE CARLIN If the Reds were baseball's first team, who did they play?
GEORGE CARLIN What if Alexander Graham Bell's name were Alexander Graham Siren? The phone wouldn't ring, it would ...
GEORGE CARLIN Little-known fact: When the stock exchange closes, the guy who comes out on the balcony with that bi...
GEORGE CARLIN Excuse me, officer, but would you mind bringing the wreckage a little closer this way? My wife can't...
GEORGE CARLIN Everything beeps now
GEORGE CARLIN You live eighty years, and at best you get about six minutes of pure magic
GEORGE CARLIN Think about it,
GEORGE CARLIN I remember when I was a kid I used to come home from Sunday School and my mother would get drunk and...
GEORGE CARLIN Most people are not particularly good at anything
GEORGE CARLIN I enjoy watching reruns of Saturday Night Live and counting all the dead people
GEORGE CARLIN When Thomas Edison worked late into the night on the electric light, he had to do it by gas lamp or ...
GEORGE CARLIN What are you going to do, play with your prick for another 20 to 30 years,>Read People Magazine your...
GEORGE CARLIN One thing i don't understand is sex is legal and selling things is legal but selling sex is illegal.
GEORGE CARLIN “The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.”
GEORGE CARLIN If a piece requires some specific inflection, I'll record it. I take a lot of notes, and later categ...
GEORGE CARLIN Without the laughs, the audience wouldn't be there at all, so in that sense, yes, I am a comedian.
GEORGE CARLIN Writing books isn't a drastic departure from writing for the stage. I've always written in the long ...
GEORGE CARLIN