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Isn’t making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?


George Carlin

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I don't want to end up simply having visited this world.
MARY OLIVER It's the curiosity that drives me. It's making a difference in the world that prevents me from ever ...
DEBORAH MEIER Understand and be confident that each of us can make a difference by caring and acting in small as w...
MARIAN WRIGHT EDELMAN You don’t have to know a lot of things for your life to make a lasting difference in the world. Bu...
JOHN PIPER I am only one, but still I am one. I cannot do everything, but still I can do something; and because...
EDWARD EVERETT HALE If you think you are too small to make a difference, you have obviously never been in bed with a mos...
PETER STROPLE Make a difference always and in all ways!
PETER STROPLE Never give up on you. In order to make a difference you would have to somehow be different.
JOHNNIE DENT JR. I don't like being around smoke and i don't want her around smoke, so if I take her to a restaurant ...
JASON MEADOWS Enjoy it, kid. Enjoy feeling that you can make a difference.' Floyd flashed him a smile. 'It won't l...
ALASTAIR REYNOLDS Imagine life as a game, a game that is filled with obstacles and hazards to overcome but sometimes y...
GARY F EVANS... One's ideas must be as broad as Nature if they are to interpret Nature
ARTHUR CONAN DOYLE Learn to appreciate every moment of your life, stop thinking of the future too much, you have a choi...
AULIQ ICE She was intimidating and all I could do was sit back on the couch as she paced back and forth, slowl...
IN THE MAKING All concepts of making a point is another failure of communication.
DEYTH BANGER ...everybody wants to make a difference, but nobody is willing to be different.
ANDY ANDREWS The abundant life begins from within and then moves outward to other individuals. If there is richne...
SPENCER W. KIMBALL We can ALWAYS make a difference to someone, no matter what role we play.
LINDSEY STIRLING We each have a special something we can get only at a special time of our life. like a small flame. ...
HARUKI MURAKAMI Allie, what do the Stars tell me to do? You know I don't understand the scientific part.
ROBERT A. HEINLEIN The capacity of humans to believe in what seems to me highly improbable- from table tapping to the s...
ROBERT A. HEINLEIN It is strange being in a crowd where no one knows your face or cares for your purpose. In Lykos, I w...
PIERCE BROWN Don't let making a living prevent you from making a life.
JOHN WOODEN Unless you walk out into the unknown, the odds of making a profound difference in your life are pret...
TOM PETERS But whatever you do, find the God-centered, Christ-exalting, Bible-saturated passion of your life, a...
JOHN PIPER ...if anything matters then everything matters. Because you are important, everything you do is impo...
WILLIAM PAUL YOUNG When you are a Bear of Very Little Brain, and you Think of Things, you find sometimes that a Thing w...
A.A. MILNE Promise me you'll always remember: You're braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and s...
CARTER CROCKER I don't know if they're really like everybody else, or if they're able to pretend they are.
MADELEINE L'ENGLE Even Lot might have been mistaken. But that’s what he promised ‘em – his virgin daughters, you...
ROBERT A. HEINLEIN God is the strength in which I trust." Lesson 47, A Course In Miracles
HELEN SCHUCMAN You're full of contradictions, Ms. Wallace."
I looked up at him and arched a brow. "I'm a girl...
TAMMARA WEBBER There isn't an hour of my life without you in it. I mend the boats, test them and all the while the ...
NICHOLAS SPARKS The only way he could have her was to shatter this stubborn faith of hers. In doing so, would he sha...
FRANCINE RIVERS Work is making a living out of being bored.
KARL LAGERFELD If I provide for this life and turn away from the Lord, I am wise for a moment, but lost forever.
FRANCINE RIVERS The only way he could have her was to shatter this stubborn faith of hers. In doing so, would he sha...
FRANCINE RIVERS Good advice for anyone wanting to make an impact with a product, a service or even a message is to d...
DONNY INGRAM How can God allow such abominations to flourish unchecked in this world?
The answer came in a q...
LISA WINGATE Do Something!

I was sitting on a plane after a long, tiring business trip. I was a bit gr...
STEVE MARABOLI Never underestimate the power of your presence. You always make a difference.
TERENCE T. GORSKI If you live to be a hundred, I want to live to be a hundred minus one day so I never have to live wi...
JOAN POWERS Supposing a tree fell down, Pooh, when we were underneath it?'
'Supposing it didn't,' said Pooh...
A.A. MILNE How lucky I am to have known somebody and something that saying goodbye to is so damned awful.
EVANS G. VALENS By the side of the everlasting Why there is a Yes--a transitory Yes if you like, but a Yes.
E.M. FORSTER All a guy needed was a chance. Somebody was alway controlling who got a chance and who didn't.
CHARLES BUKOWSKI He caught Ben's come in the napkin, the smell making his mouth water harder than any chile sauce cou...
B.A. TORTUGA Acting is just a way of making a living, the family is life.
DENZEL WASHINGTON Nothing that is good can become stuck – and if it is stuck, it can’t be any good!
SILVIA HARTMANN The story goes as the line follow... alone... loony....
...

That's what's happening....
DEYTH BANGER Needle in a haystack's easy - just bring a magnet."

Eliot stared witheringly at Hardison....
KEITH R.A. DECANDIDO These philosophically fun ideas usually satisfy nobody. Nonetheless, they remind us that ignorance i...
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON This is the spot where I will lie
When life has had enough of me,
These are the grasses ...
SARA TEASDALE I've got no other home to go to, not anymore. When I look at England now I see a dead place, Rupert....
LEV GROSSMAN Once in a while you get shown the light in the strangest of places, if you look at it right.
GRATEFUL DEAD The world pays no attention to those who have nothing to offer
BERNARD KELVIN CLIVE Tea followers were among the earliest converts to the Christian faith. Takayama Ukon, a daimyo turne...
F. CALVIN PARKER You can coddle your rage, or you can fully engage.
TONY CLEAVER Unsubscribe from should-a, would-a, could-a
MICHAEL H. DANSBURY A successful teacher is one who has atleast 2 students in his class, one who sees no reason to study...
APURVA GAGLANI You will have to make up for the smallness of your size by your courage and selfless devotion to dut...
MUHAMMAD ALI JINNAH It’s only when we can work with something that brings out our strengths that we’re of any real u...
HENNING MANKELL You and I were put on this earth to serve something greater than our narrow interests. When our focu...
NICK VUJICIC A godmother is always there and genuine.The help she has given will never be forgotten but will glis...
GARY F EVANS... If tomorrow was yesterday then yesterday would be tomorrow, if we think about the past why not think...
GARY F EVANS... Start seeing a way for yourself. Stop seeing a way for others.
APURVA GAGLANI and the girl and I get into her car and drive off into the hills and we go to her room and I take of...
BRET EASTON ELLIS As an actor, you always want to feel like what you're doing is making a difference to the story.
MATTHEW LEWIS I've always made a clear distinction between making a life and making a living.
ROBERT FULGHUM At 5:20 am (0120 GMT) the divers finished their work making a ... hole in the eighth section of the ...
IGOR DYGALO Well, you can't know it without something having been sneezed.
A.A. MILNE We'll be Friends Forever, won't we, Pooh?' asked Piglet.
Even longer,' Pooh answered.”
...
A.A. MILNE There is no such thing as an atheist in a foxhole. During an ambush, you're praying for everything a...
WARREN ZINN The people that I liked and had not met went to the big cafes because they were lost in them and no ...
ERNEST HEMINGWAY I began by saying that our history will be what we make it. If we go on as we are, then history will...
EDWARD R. MURROW During the reign of Domitian (81-96 A.D.), Christians in Asia Minor were severely oppressed. The boo...
F. CALVIN PARKER Toyohiko Kagawa, famed for his ministry to slum-dwellers, paid tribute to all three of Japan's major...
F. CALVIN PARKER It is much more valuable to look for the strength in others. You can gain nothing by criticizing the...
DAISAKU IKEDA the deceased don’t want you to forget about them. They just want you to move past it; not to dwell...
JUSTIN PYFROM I am lost without you. I am soulless, a drifter without a home, a solitary bird in a flight to nowhe...
NICHOLAS SPARKS It's a long story. Want a refill?"
"No, let's start the steak. Where's the button?"
"Right...
ROBERT A. HEINLEIN When I see him, his frame filling the doorway, I do not feel passion, excitement. I can't remember i...
JODI PICOULT Live for Jesus now and spend the rest of eternity in the non-smoking section.
UNKNOWN I'll make a song with Rick Rubin, a song with Beyonce, a song with Lenny Kravitz. I just believe...
JAY-Z If we don’t make our own future, it will be made for us.
MIKE KLEPPER New ideas inspire new life into dry old projects; they make bridges from one moment to another that ...
MAICHEE SUMMER All those dotted lines were just the parts of the story where she would get on the ground and get he...
HANNAH BRENCHER If you want to make a difference, think different
PALLE OSWALD I saw 2 shooting stars tonight & made 1 wish. It was beautiful.
APRIL MAE MONTERROSA A lot of books in the self-help section of your bookstore really belong in the fiction section.
STEVE MARABOLI a major reason why we wake up each day is to know the real reasons why we wake up each day
ERNEST AGYEMANG YEBOAH Sometimes, you may take a step backwards only to realize that a step forward could have been the bes...
ERNEST AGYEMANG YEBOAH This instant is the only time there is.
A COURSE IN MIRACLES I am never upset for the reason I think.
A COURSE IN MIRACLES Perception is a mirror not a fact. And what I look on is my state of mind, reflected outward.
A COURSE IN MIRACLES Teach only love for that is what you are.
A COURSE IN MIRACLES Nothing real can be threatened. Nothing unreal exists. Herein lies the peace of God.
A COURSE IN MIRACLES Only my condemnation injures me.
A COURSE IN MIRACLES I can elect to change all thoughts that hurt.
A COURSE IN MIRACLES Seek not to change the world, but choose to change your mind about the world.
A COURSE IN MIRACLES

More George Carlin

People who say they don't care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they...
GEORGE CARLIN I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a guy nailed to two pieces of wood.
GEORGE CARLIN Electricity is really just organized lightning.
GEORGE CARLIN Weather forecast for tonight: dark.
GEORGE CARLIN The status quo sucks.
GEORGE CARLIN May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
GEORGE CARLIN Some people see the glass half full. Others see it half empty.
I see a glass that's twice as bi...
GEORGE CARLIN When you step on the brakes your life is in your foot's hands.
GEORGE CARLIN Religion is just mind control.
GEORGE CARLIN One can never know for sure what a deserted area looks like.
GEORGE CARLIN There's no present. There's only the immediate future and the recent past.
GEORGE CARLIN The reason I talk to myself is that I'm the only one whose answers I accept.
GEORGE CARLIN Always do whatever's next.
GEORGE CARLIN Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, W...
GEORGE CARLIN One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
GEORGE CARLIN Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist.
GEORGE CARLIN People who say they don't care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they don...
GEORGE CARLIN Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time.
GEORGE CARLIN I'm completely in favor of the
separation of Church and State.
... These two institution...
GEORGE CARLIN What do dogs do on their day off?; Can't lie around – that's their job!
GEORGE CARLIN That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.
GEORGE CARLIN If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
GEORGE CARLIN Meow” means “woof” in cat.
GEORGE CARLIN Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
GEORGE CARLIN Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reaso...
GEORGE CARLIN The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.
GEORGE CARLIN Don't give your money to the church. They should be giving their money to you.
GEORGE CARLIN Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
GEORGE CARLIN People say, 'I'm going to sleep now,' as if it were nothing. But it's really a bizarre activity. 'Fo...
GEORGE CARLIN Some people see things that are and ask, Why?
Some people dream of things that never were and ...
GEORGE CARLIN I like it when a flower or a little tuft of grass grows through a crack in the concrete. It's so fuc...
GEORGE CARLIN Religion has actually convinced people that there's an invisible man living in the sky who watches e...
GEORGE CARLIN It was my uncle who taught me about the birds and the bees. He sat me down one day and said, 'Rememb...
GEORGE CARLIN How can He be perfect? Everything He ever makes...dies.
GEORGE CARLIN I think the warning labels on alcoholic beverages are too bland. They should be more vivid. Here is ...
GEORGE CARLIN How is it possible to have a civil war?
GEORGE CARLIN The planet is fine. The people are fucked.
GEORGE CARLIN We're so self-important. So arrogant. Everybody's going to save something now. Save the trees, save ...
GEORGE CARLIN We’re so self-important. Everybody’s going to save something now. “Save the trees, save the be...
GEORGE CARLIN Tell people there's an invisible man in the sky who created the universe, and the vast majority will...
GEORGE CARLIN The caterpillar does all the work, but the butterfly gets all the publicity.
GEORGE CARLIN I have a suggestion that I think would help fight serious crime. Signs. There are lots of signs for ...
GEORGE CARLIN May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.-
GEORGE CARLIN Rhetoric paints with a broad brush.
GEORGE CARLIN There's no present. There's only the immediate future and the recent past.
GEORGE CARLIN We're having something a little different this year for Thanksgiving. Instead of a turkey, we're hav...
GEORGE CARLIN Some people see the cup as half empty. Some people see the cup as half full. I see the cup as too la...
GEORGE CARLIN Dusting is a good example of the futility of trying to put things right. As soon as you dust, the fa...
GEORGE CARLIN Some national parks have long waiting lists for camping reservations. When you have to wait a year t...
GEORGE CARLIN Regarding the Boy Scouts, I'm very suspicious of any organization that has a handbook
GEORGE CARLIN Scientists announced today that they have discovered a cure for apathy. However, they claim no one h...
GEORGE CARLIN Instead of warning pregnant women not to drink, I think female alcoholics should be told not to fuck
GEORGE CARLIN The caterpillar does all the work but the butterfly gets all the publicity
GEORGE CARLIN Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn't mean the circus has left town.
GEORGE CARLIN I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institution...
GEORGE CARLIN I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don't have as many people who believe it.
GEORGE CARLIN ... And what about Zombies? You never hear from Zombies! That's the trouble with Zombies, they're ...
GEORGE CARLIN Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you i...
GEORGE CARLIN I recently went to a new doctor and noticed he was located in something called the Professional Buil...
GEORGE CARLIN Why is there so much controversy about drug testing? I know plenty of guys who would be willing to t...
GEORGE CARLIN Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it.
GEORGE CARLIN I do this real moron thing, and it's called thinking. And apparently I'm not a very good American be...
GEORGE CARLIN I bet you anything that 10 times out of 10, Nicky, Vinny and Tony will beat the shit out of Todd, Ky...
GEORGE CARLIN The more syllables a euphemism has, the further divorced from reality it is
GEORGE CARLIN He - and if there is a God, I am convinced he is a he, because no woman could or would ever fuck thi...
GEORGE CARLIN There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls.
GEORGE CARLIN Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
GEORGE CARLIN Not only do I not know what's going on, I wouldn't know what to do about it if I did.
GEORGE CARLIN Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.
GEORGE CARLIN By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth.
GEORGE CARLIN Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn't mean the circus has left town.
GEORGE CARLIN 'I am' is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that 'I ...
GEORGE CARLIN Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than...
GEORGE CARLIN If your kid needs a role model and you ain't it, you're both fucked.
GEORGE CARLIN Personally, if I were trying to discourage people from smoking, my sign would be a little different....
GEORGE CARLIN Age is a hell of a price to pay for wisdom
GEORGE CARLIN Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
GEORGE CARLIN Standing ovations have become far too commonplace. What we need are ovations where the audience memb...
GEORGE CARLIN I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where's the self-help section?' She sai...
GEORGE CARLIN If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten.
GEORGE CARLIN The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
GEORGE CARLIN You know an odd feeling? Sitting on the toilet eating a chocolate candy bar.
GEORGE CARLIN At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.
GEORGE CARLIN Oh Beautiful for smoggy skies, insecticided grain,
For strip-mined mountain's majesty above the...
GEORGE CARLIN Scratch any cynic and you will find a disappointed idealist.
GEORGE CARLIN Religion is like a pair of shoes.....Find one that fits for you, but don't make me wear your shoes.
GEORGE CARLIN When I was a kid, if a guy got killed in a western movie I always wondered who got his horse
GEORGE CARLIN I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it d...
GEORGE CARLIN Regarding the fitness craze: America has lost its soul; now it's trying to save its body.
GEORGE CARLIN Everyone smiles in the same language.
GEORGE CARLIN But when you're in front of an audience and you make them laugh at a new idea, you're guiding the wh...
GEORGE CARLIN My mother would say, 'Why are you always playing alone?' And I would say, 'I'm not playin', Ma. I'm ...
GEORGE CARLIN I'm not concerned about all hell breaking loose, but that a PART of hell will break loose... it&...
GEORGE CARLIN It turned out I was pretty good in science. But again, because of the small budget, in science class...
GEORGE CARLIN I'm always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I'm listening to it.
GEORGE CARLIN When Thomas Edison worked late into the night on the electric light, he had to do it by gas lamp or ...
GEORGE CARLIN I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she tol...
GEORGE CARLIN Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things
GEORGE CARLIN I don't have hobbies; hobbies cost money. Interests are quite free.
GEORGE CARLIN When someone asks you, A penny for your thoughts, and you put your two cents in, what happens to the...
GEORGE CARLIN Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? Th...
GEORGE CARLIN Weather forecast for tonight: dark. Continued dark overnight, with widely scattered light by morning...
GEORGE CARLIN Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
GEORGE CARLIN The very existence of flamethrowers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, "Y...
GEORGE CARLIN It's never just a game when you're winning.
GEORGE CARLIN If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delight...
GEORGE CARLIN If it's true that our species is alone in the universe, then I'd have to say that the universe aimed...
GEORGE CARLIN I'm not concerned about all hell breaking loose, but that a PART of hell will break loose... it'll b...
GEORGE CARLIN I think it's the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.
GEORGE CARLIN Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dish...
GEORGE CARLIN Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.
GEORGE CARLIN As a matter of principle, I never attend the first annual anything.
GEORGE CARLIN The very existence of flamethrowers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, GEORGE CARLIN I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good Amercian because I like to...
GEORGE CARLIN Let a smile be your umbrella, and you'll end up with a face full of rain.
GEORGE CARLIN Just think of how stupid the average person is, and then realize half of them are even stupider!
GEORGE CARLIN Little-known fact: When the stock exchange closes, the guy who comes out on the balcony with that b...
GEORGE CARLIN If we could just find out who's in charge, we could kill him
GEORGE CARLIN In Rome, the emperor sat in a special part of the Coliseum called the Caesarian Section
GEORGE CARLIN If it requires a uniform it's a worthless endeavor
GEORGE CARLIN The next time they give you all that civic bullshit about voting, keep in mind that Hitler was elect...
GEORGE CARLIN The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends. I mean, life is tough. It takes up a lot of you...
GEORGE CARLIN Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fires, what do freedom fighters fight?
GEORGE CARLIN we get what we deserve. They are our elected officials.
GEORGE CARLIN When you're born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you're born in America, you get a ...
GEORGE CARLIN You know an odd feeling? Sitting on the toilet eating a chocolate candy bar
GEORGE CARLIN Is fuel efficiency really what we need most desperately? I say what we really need is a car that can...
GEORGE CARLIN If you think there's a solution, you're part of the problem
GEORGE CARLIN In America, anyone can become president. That's the problem.
GEORGE CARLIN When someone is impatient and says, 'I haven't got all day,' I always wonder, How can th...
GEORGE CARLIN Don’t just teach your children to read…
Teach them to question what they read.
Teach t...
GEORGE CARLIN Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
GEORGE CARLIN I don't know how you feel, but I'm pretty sick of church people. You know what they ought to do with...
GEORGE CARLIN I have as much authority as the Pope. I just don’t have as many people who believe it.
GEORGE CARLIN Something is wrong here. War, disease, death, destruction, hunger, filth, poverty, torture, crime, c...
GEORGE CARLIN I tried to believe that there is a God, who created each of us in His own image and likeness, loves ...
GEORGE CARLIN Conservatives say if you don't give the rich more money, they will lose their incentive to invest. A...
GEORGE CARLIN There's also way too much religion in the South to be consistent with good mental health.

GEORGE CARLIN So I say, “Live and let live.” That’s my motto. “Live and let live.” And anyone who can’...
GEORGE CARLIN THINGS YOU NEVER HEAR: 'Please stop sucking my dick or I'll call the police.
GEORGE CARLIN Some people have no idea what they're doing, and a lot of them are really good at it.
GEORGE CARLIN I think these pipe-smokers oughta just move to the next level and go ahead and suck a dick. There's ...
GEORGE CARLIN I don't like ass kissers, flag wavers or team players. I like people who buck the system. Individual...
GEORGE CARLIN When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to hear '27 months.' 'He's two' will do just fine. ...
GEORGE CARLIN If it’s true that our species is alone in the universe, then I’d have to say the universe aimed ...
GEORGE CARLIN There are women named Faith, Hope, Joy, and Prudence. Why not Despair, Guilt, Rage, and Grief? It se...
GEORGE CARLIN If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten
GEORGE CARLIN [On school uniforms] Don't these schools do enough damage making all these kids think alike, now the...
GEORGE CARLIN Life is a series of dogs
GEORGE CARLIN I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where's the self-help section?' She said if she tol...
GEORGE CARLIN So, have a little fun. Soon enough you'll be dead and burning in Hell with the rest of your family.
GEORGE CARLIN I read that Monica Seles got stabbed. And although I have nothing against Monica Seles, I'm glad som...
GEORGE CARLIN May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
GEORGE CARLIN May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.-.
GEORGE CARLIN I was thinking about how people seem to read the bible a lot more as they get older, and then it daw...
GEORGE CARLIN They call it the 'American Dream' because you have to be asleep to believe it.
GEORGE CARLIN One can never know for sure what a deserted area looks like
GEORGE CARLIN Comedy is a socially acceptable form of hostility and aggression. That is what comics do, stand the ...
GEORGE CARLIN I have no emotional stake in Panda fucking.
GEORGE CARLIN Jesus was a cross dresser
GEORGE CARLIN By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth
GEORGE CARLIN The word bipartisan means some larger-than-usual deception is being carried out
GEORGE CARLIN Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity
GEORGE CARLIN What makes me nervous is when I am at an airport and the stewardess says get on the plane. I say fuc...
GEORGE CARLIN Most people with low self-esteem have earned it
GEORGE CARLIN If God had intended us not to masturbate he would've made our arms shorter
GEORGE CARLIN If churches want to play the game of politics, let them pay admission like everyone else
GEORGE CARLIN I don't vote. Two reasons. First of all it's meaningless; this country was bought and sold a long ti...
GEORGE CARLIN If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
GEORGE CARLIN I believe you can joke about anything.
GEORGE CARLIN I'm the creative type,
GEORGE CARLIN When I got out of high school they retired my jersey, but it was for hygiene and sanitary reasons
GEORGE CARLIN Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac.
GEORGE CARLIN He had a sort of pain that was fairly evident.
GEORGE CARLIN Rich White Men Don't Care About Poor Black People
GEORGE CARLIN You get to play with people's little danger zones.
GEORGE CARLIN 'We hope you enjoy your stay in Chicago or wherever your final destination may be.' All destinations...
GEORGE CARLIN When you stress individualism, as this country does; materialism, as this country does; personal wea...
GEORGE CARLIN In comic strips, the person on the right always speaks first.
GEORGE CARLIN In labor news, longshoremen walked off the piers today; rescue operations are continuing
GEORGE CARLIN I went straight from shenanigans to cries against humanity
GEORGE CARLIN A man came up to me on the street and said I used to be messed up out of my mind on drugs but now I'...
GEORGE CARLIN I tell ya, if I hadn't chosen the career of being a performer, I think linguistics would have been a...
GEORGE CARLIN If you’re reading it in a book, folks, it ain’t self-help. It’s help.
GEORGE CARLIN If the Reds were baseball's first team, who did they play?
GEORGE CARLIN What if Alexander Graham Bell's name were Alexander Graham Siren? The phone wouldn't ring, it would ...
GEORGE CARLIN Little-known fact: When the stock exchange closes, the guy who comes out on the balcony with that bi...
GEORGE CARLIN Excuse me, officer, but would you mind bringing the wreckage a little closer this way? My wife can't...
GEORGE CARLIN Everything beeps now
GEORGE CARLIN You live eighty years, and at best you get about six minutes of pure magic
GEORGE CARLIN Think about it,
GEORGE CARLIN I remember when I was a kid I used to come home from Sunday School and my mother would get drunk and...
GEORGE CARLIN Most people are not particularly good at anything
GEORGE CARLIN I enjoy watching reruns of Saturday Night Live and counting all the dead people
GEORGE CARLIN When Thomas Edison worked late into the night on the electric light, he had to do it by gas lamp or ...
GEORGE CARLIN What are you going to do, play with your prick for another 20 to 30 years,>Read People Magazine your...
GEORGE CARLIN One thing i don't understand is sex is legal and selling things is legal but selling sex is illegal.
GEORGE CARLIN “The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.”
GEORGE CARLIN If a piece requires some specific inflection, I'll record it. I take a lot of notes, and later categ...
GEORGE CARLIN Without the laughs, the audience wouldn't be there at all, so in that sense, yes, I am a comedian.
GEORGE CARLIN