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When you're born into this world, you're given a ticket to the freak show. If you're born in America you get a front row seat.


George Carlin

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When you're born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you're born in America, you get a front ro...
GEORGE CARLIN When you're born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you're born in America, you get a ...
GEORGE CARLIN who wants flowers when youre dead? nobody.
J.D. SALINGER If youre in an awkward position, feel comfortable enough to walk away.
BEAU MIRCHOFF When you grow up, you gain experience and realise what youre capable of.
FRANCESCO TOTTI if youre never scared, or embarased, or hurt, it means you never take any chances.
JULIA SOREL Youre gonna grow up and marry some ice cream! Haha!
JEFF KINNEY Ye been oure lord, dooth with youre owene thyngRight as yow list.
CHAUCER Dont try to go too fast. Learn your job. Dont ever talk until you know what youre talking about. If ...
SAM RAYBURN You do that Helen", Mallory dared. "And tell him we said to f*ck off while youre at it".
CHLOE NEILL Thats the thing about the Internet. You can put a lot of distance between yourself and the person yo...
ELLEN WRIGHT We have to keep a good frame of mind and not overlook La Villa. Anytime you do that, youre going to ...
HECTOR GARCIA If the placebo effect was a week or two, I would understand that and say, 'Yes, youre right.' You kn...
BOB GREEN If you are a dreamer come in
If you are a dreamer a wisher a liar
A hoper a pray-er a magi...
SHEL SILVERSTEIN MRS PEARCE. Mr Higgins: youre tempting the girl. It’s not right. She should think of the future. GEORGE BERNARD SHAW Chese now," quod she, "oon of thise thynges tweye:
To han me foul and old til that I deye,
GEOFFREY CHAUCER You better believe I’m going to have a front-row seat when (Krause) is speaking.
ROBERT DAVENPORT aliens are living on earth for along time,for those who think im talking about another race youre wr...
RAJA My advice for any entrepreneur or innovator is to get into the food industry in some form so you hav...
KIMBAL MUSK He had a front row seat to the massacre,
JOHN POWERS I would rather have a back row seat in the house of the lord than a front row seat amoung the rich a...
ALBEN WILLIAM BARKLEY If I didn't have a front-row seat on history, it was at least a seat on the aisle.
DAN RATHER A true freak cannot be made. A true freak must be born.
KATHERINE DUNN I grew up with a front row seat to the American dream.
MIKE PENCE Every person born into this world their work is born with them.
JAMES RUSSELL LOWELL Your purpose is to make this world a better place than the one you were born into
EMILY BLAKEMAN This is sams phone" there was a long,heavy pause, and then: "oh." Another pause. "Youre the girl, ar...
MAGGIE STIEFVATER Dad, youre so far off the mark I can't even...Lincoln hasn't pressured me at all!" I grabbed my bag ...
JESSICA SHIRVINGTON And I've been incredibly lucky to have a long career in journalism that has given me a front-row...
JUDY WOODRUFF A man cannot be born again in a lower world; but can only be born into a Brahman world, before he re...
FRIEDRICH MAX MULLER Nothing is born into this world without labor.
ROB LIANO I was born at the right time. I was a freak - the only young player when darts took off in the 1970s...
ERIC BRISTOW We are born, so to speak, twice over; born into existence, and born into life; born a human being, a...
JEAN JACQUES ROUSSEAU If you feel like you don't fit into the world you inherited it is because you were born to help crea...
ROSS CALIGIURI Have you ever had one of those moments when time just freezes? You
know, when the world suddenl...
KAREN MARIE MONING If you leave this world without solving the problems for which you were born, then you are a failure...
SUNDAY ADELAJA Life depends on you and your choices. The real value of your life largely depends on what you do wit...
ERNEST AGYEMANG YEBOAH I loved George Carlin... I used to sit in front of the TV and watch the HBO comedy specials. I loved...
MICK FOLEY I was brought up in the modern world of all the luxury and the highlight of show business. I was bor...
CAT STEVENS I was brought up in the modern world of all the luxury and the highlight of show business. I was bor...
YUSUF ISLAM The IQ and the life expectancy of the average American recently passed each other in opposite direct...
GEORGE CARLIN Each friend represents a world in us, a world possibly not born until they arrive and it is only by ...
ANAIS NIN It's a business driven by curiosity. If you don't want to go out and learn about the world a...
DAVID MUIR I came upstairs into the world; for I was born in a cellar.
WILLIAM CONGREVE Each friend represents a world in us, a world not born until they arrive, and it is only by this mee...
ANAIS NIN You're full of contradictions, Ms. Wallace."
I looked up at him and arched a brow. "I'm a girl...
TAMMARA WEBBER I was born and raised in Manhattan; I didn't realize that I, in all my androgyny, was a freak to...
IO TILLETT WRIGHT I listened to George Carlin when I was a kid and knew every word of his routines.
SEAN HAYES George Carlin maintained that anything and everything is funny given the right context. This context...
PAUL PROVENZA Each friend represents a world in us, a world possibly not born until they arrive, and it is only by...
ANAïS NIN Each friend represents a world in us, a world possibly not born until they arrive, and it is only by...
ANAIS NIN I came up-stairs into the world; for I was born in a cellar.
WILLIAM CONGREVE I always say that polo, for you to pursue a career, mainly any sport, you have to be born in the rig...
NACHO FIGUERAS I was born to do this. I started when I was 3 1/2, my father is my master, my brother is a master. I...
ANDREW OH When you're born into a showbiz family, the deck is stacked against you.
JOHN DARNIELLE When you were born, you cried and the world rejoiced. Live you life in a manner so that when you die...
NATIVE AMERICAN PROVERB They thought to use and shame me but I win out by nature, because a true freak cannot be made. A tru...
KATHERINE DUNN In other words, the man who is born into existence deals first with language; this is a given. He is...
JACQUES LACAN When you were born, you cried and the world rejoiced. Live your life in such a manner that when you ...
ANTHONY ROBBINS I feel sorry for little babies... When a little baby is born into this cold world, he's confused! He...
CHARLES M. SCHULZ One is not born into this world to do anything but only to undo something.
KEITH B. MCKELLOP We are born into this world unarmed---our mind is our only weapon.
AYN RAND Every baby born into the world is a finer one than the last
CHARLES DICKENS Everybody sing like it's the last song you will ever sing
Tell me, tell me, do you feel the pre...
HAYLEY WILLIAMS I think when you're born, your soul is split into two and given to your perfect partner. When you se...
ADAM RICKITT We want to show the world that no matter where you're born, no matter how poor you are, that you can...
FRANK STRONACH The day you were born you were given power to create yourself
BANGAMBIKI HABYARIMANA This earth that we live on is full of stories in the same way that, for a fish, the ocean is full of...
BEN OKRI When I first met him, he did not care if a friend did not fit into his world, because at that time h...
ANAïS NIN If there was a mobility service that's cheaper than owning a car, more reliable, and you get to ...
TRAVIS KALANICK You have to be born a sex symbol. You don't become one. If you're born with it, you'll have it even ...
SOPHIA LOREN I was born in America, but I consider myself a Filipino.
JESSICA SANCHEZ I was not born into the world of the stuntman and the daredevil; I was born into the world of theate...
PHILIPPE PETIT My father, born in Colorado, met my mother, born in Switzerland, when he went into the finance compa...
SUSAN STRAIGHT Though Christ a thousand times in Bethlehem be born, / If he's not born in thee thy soul is still fo...
ANGELUS SILESIUS We are all born naked into this world, but each of us is fully clothed in potential.
EMMITT SMITH The biggest misconception is that buying a ticket here gets you a better seat. It's all coming out o...
LARRY WILSON We show up way early so we can get on the front row and get the best seats possible.
TOBY PYKLES I look like this for a reason. I was born this way. It was God-given.
CANELO ALVAREZ When you are born again, you are brought into the kingdom to find your destiny
SUNDAY ADELAJA I was born in front of a camera and really don't know anything else.
JOAN CRAWFORD Everyone is born a freak," notes Hayley. "Every newborn baby, wet and hungry and screaming, is a fre...
LAURIE HALSE ANDERSON America is a place where you can be born into a low-income household but still lift yourself up, and...
ALPHONSO JACKSON Reject the religious labels and accept the only label that matters “Born Again
JOHN M SHEEHAN BELLY BUTTONS & GRAVESTONES; You leave behind the only world that you have ever known ... And blindl...
ED BULEY here I am simply trying to get into your head
you think you were born you die what a pity
IKKYU Any child born into the hugely consumptionist way of life so common in the industrial world will hav...
ALBERT GORE Sometimes heroes are born, and sometimes heroes are made. People get to show what they're made of in...
DAVID MARANISS I was born into a world where a lot of people who came to the house were performers.
IRWIN THOMAS I could have been Captain Beefheart or Tom Waits, if I'd been born in America.
ALBERT KUVEZIN Every art is a church without communicants, presided over by a parish of the respectable. An artist ...
HORTENSE CALISHER I am merely a guest born in this world, to know the secrets that lie beyond it.
RUMI A sign inside the front door of Holy Cross Primary School, in north Belfast, reads: If we'd been bor...
ANON. I'm kind of a germ freak. When I get on a plane, I spray my seat and everything with Lysol Disin...
KELLY ROWLAND Poor George [Bush], he can't help it. He was born with a silver foot in his mouth.
ANN RICHARDS If limousines were extremely long, they wouldn't need drivers. You could just get in the back seat, ...
JONATHAN SAFRAN FOER God has ALREADY given you the strength you need, it's up to you to recognize that you were BORN a co...
YVONNE PIERRE What is very interesting when talking about electronic music is that - I would say that rock and rol...
JEAN-MICHEL JARRE I am the grandson of immigrants from Japan who went to America, boldly going to a strange new world,...
GEORGE TAKEI Smoking kills you, but life kills you, and if you don't want to die, go into a freezer when you ...
MARJANE SATRAPI

More George Carlin

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GEORGE CARLIN I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a guy nailed to two pieces of wood.
GEORGE CARLIN Electricity is really just organized lightning.
GEORGE CARLIN Weather forecast for tonight: dark.
GEORGE CARLIN The status quo sucks.
GEORGE CARLIN May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
GEORGE CARLIN Some people see the glass half full. Others see it half empty.
I see a glass that's twice as bi...
GEORGE CARLIN When you step on the brakes your life is in your foot's hands.
GEORGE CARLIN Religion is just mind control.
GEORGE CARLIN One can never know for sure what a deserted area looks like.
GEORGE CARLIN There's no present. There's only the immediate future and the recent past.
GEORGE CARLIN The reason I talk to myself is that I'm the only one whose answers I accept.
GEORGE CARLIN Always do whatever's next.
GEORGE CARLIN Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, W...
GEORGE CARLIN One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
GEORGE CARLIN Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist.
GEORGE CARLIN People who say they don't care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they don...
GEORGE CARLIN Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time.
GEORGE CARLIN I'm completely in favor of the
separation of Church and State.
... These two institution...
GEORGE CARLIN What do dogs do on their day off?; Can't lie around – that's their job!
GEORGE CARLIN That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.
GEORGE CARLIN If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
GEORGE CARLIN Meow” means “woof” in cat.
GEORGE CARLIN Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
GEORGE CARLIN Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reaso...
GEORGE CARLIN The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.
GEORGE CARLIN Don't give your money to the church. They should be giving their money to you.
GEORGE CARLIN Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
GEORGE CARLIN People say, 'I'm going to sleep now,' as if it were nothing. But it's really a bizarre activity. 'Fo...
GEORGE CARLIN Some people see things that are and ask, Why?
Some people dream of things that never were and ...
GEORGE CARLIN I like it when a flower or a little tuft of grass grows through a crack in the concrete. It's so fuc...
GEORGE CARLIN Religion has actually convinced people that there's an invisible man living in the sky who watches e...
GEORGE CARLIN It was my uncle who taught me about the birds and the bees. He sat me down one day and said, 'Rememb...
GEORGE CARLIN How can He be perfect? Everything He ever makes...dies.
GEORGE CARLIN I think the warning labels on alcoholic beverages are too bland. They should be more vivid. Here is ...
GEORGE CARLIN How is it possible to have a civil war?
GEORGE CARLIN The planet is fine. The people are fucked.
GEORGE CARLIN We're so self-important. So arrogant. Everybody's going to save something now. Save the trees, save ...
GEORGE CARLIN We’re so self-important. Everybody’s going to save something now. “Save the trees, save the be...
GEORGE CARLIN Tell people there's an invisible man in the sky who created the universe, and the vast majority will...
GEORGE CARLIN The caterpillar does all the work, but the butterfly gets all the publicity.
GEORGE CARLIN I have a suggestion that I think would help fight serious crime. Signs. There are lots of signs for ...
GEORGE CARLIN May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.-
GEORGE CARLIN Rhetoric paints with a broad brush.
GEORGE CARLIN There's no present. There's only the immediate future and the recent past.
GEORGE CARLIN We're having something a little different this year for Thanksgiving. Instead of a turkey, we're hav...
GEORGE CARLIN Some people see the cup as half empty. Some people see the cup as half full. I see the cup as too la...
GEORGE CARLIN Dusting is a good example of the futility of trying to put things right. As soon as you dust, the fa...
GEORGE CARLIN Some national parks have long waiting lists for camping reservations. When you have to wait a year t...
GEORGE CARLIN Regarding the Boy Scouts, I'm very suspicious of any organization that has a handbook
GEORGE CARLIN Scientists announced today that they have discovered a cure for apathy. However, they claim no one h...
GEORGE CARLIN Instead of warning pregnant women not to drink, I think female alcoholics should be told not to fuck
GEORGE CARLIN The caterpillar does all the work but the butterfly gets all the publicity
GEORGE CARLIN Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn't mean the circus has left town.
GEORGE CARLIN I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institution...
GEORGE CARLIN I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don't have as many people who believe it.
GEORGE CARLIN ... And what about Zombies? You never hear from Zombies! That's the trouble with Zombies, they're ...
GEORGE CARLIN Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you i...
GEORGE CARLIN I recently went to a new doctor and noticed he was located in something called the Professional Buil...
GEORGE CARLIN Why is there so much controversy about drug testing? I know plenty of guys who would be willing to t...
GEORGE CARLIN Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it.
GEORGE CARLIN I do this real moron thing, and it's called thinking. And apparently I'm not a very good American be...
GEORGE CARLIN I bet you anything that 10 times out of 10, Nicky, Vinny and Tony will beat the shit out of Todd, Ky...
GEORGE CARLIN The more syllables a euphemism has, the further divorced from reality it is
GEORGE CARLIN He - and if there is a God, I am convinced he is a he, because no woman could or would ever fuck thi...
GEORGE CARLIN There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls.
GEORGE CARLIN Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
GEORGE CARLIN Not only do I not know what's going on, I wouldn't know what to do about it if I did.
GEORGE CARLIN Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.
GEORGE CARLIN By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth.
GEORGE CARLIN Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn't mean the circus has left town.
GEORGE CARLIN 'I am' is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that 'I ...
GEORGE CARLIN Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than...
GEORGE CARLIN If your kid needs a role model and you ain't it, you're both fucked.
GEORGE CARLIN Personally, if I were trying to discourage people from smoking, my sign would be a little different....
GEORGE CARLIN Age is a hell of a price to pay for wisdom
GEORGE CARLIN Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
GEORGE CARLIN Standing ovations have become far too commonplace. What we need are ovations where the audience memb...
GEORGE CARLIN I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where's the self-help section?' She sai...
GEORGE CARLIN If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten.
GEORGE CARLIN The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
GEORGE CARLIN You know an odd feeling? Sitting on the toilet eating a chocolate candy bar.
GEORGE CARLIN At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.
GEORGE CARLIN Oh Beautiful for smoggy skies, insecticided grain,
For strip-mined mountain's majesty above the...
GEORGE CARLIN Scratch any cynic and you will find a disappointed idealist.
GEORGE CARLIN Religion is like a pair of shoes.....Find one that fits for you, but don't make me wear your shoes.
GEORGE CARLIN When I was a kid, if a guy got killed in a western movie I always wondered who got his horse
GEORGE CARLIN I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it d...
GEORGE CARLIN Regarding the fitness craze: America has lost its soul; now it's trying to save its body.
GEORGE CARLIN Everyone smiles in the same language.
GEORGE CARLIN But when you're in front of an audience and you make them laugh at a new idea, you're guiding the wh...
GEORGE CARLIN My mother would say, 'Why are you always playing alone?' And I would say, 'I'm not playin', Ma. I'm ...
GEORGE CARLIN I'm not concerned about all hell breaking loose, but that a PART of hell will break loose... it&...
GEORGE CARLIN It turned out I was pretty good in science. But again, because of the small budget, in science class...
GEORGE CARLIN I'm always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I'm listening to it.
GEORGE CARLIN When Thomas Edison worked late into the night on the electric light, he had to do it by gas lamp or ...
GEORGE CARLIN I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she tol...
GEORGE CARLIN Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things
GEORGE CARLIN I don't have hobbies; hobbies cost money. Interests are quite free.
GEORGE CARLIN When someone asks you, A penny for your thoughts, and you put your two cents in, what happens to the...
GEORGE CARLIN Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? Th...
GEORGE CARLIN Weather forecast for tonight: dark. Continued dark overnight, with widely scattered light by morning...
GEORGE CARLIN Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
GEORGE CARLIN The very existence of flamethrowers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, "Y...
GEORGE CARLIN It's never just a game when you're winning.
GEORGE CARLIN If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delight...
GEORGE CARLIN If it's true that our species is alone in the universe, then I'd have to say that the universe aimed...
GEORGE CARLIN I'm not concerned about all hell breaking loose, but that a PART of hell will break loose... it'll b...
GEORGE CARLIN I think it's the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.
GEORGE CARLIN Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dish...
GEORGE CARLIN Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.
GEORGE CARLIN As a matter of principle, I never attend the first annual anything.
GEORGE CARLIN The very existence of flamethrowers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, GEORGE CARLIN I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good Amercian because I like to...
GEORGE CARLIN Let a smile be your umbrella, and you'll end up with a face full of rain.
GEORGE CARLIN Just think of how stupid the average person is, and then realize half of them are even stupider!
GEORGE CARLIN Little-known fact: When the stock exchange closes, the guy who comes out on the balcony with that b...
GEORGE CARLIN If we could just find out who's in charge, we could kill him
GEORGE CARLIN In Rome, the emperor sat in a special part of the Coliseum called the Caesarian Section
GEORGE CARLIN If it requires a uniform it's a worthless endeavor
GEORGE CARLIN The next time they give you all that civic bullshit about voting, keep in mind that Hitler was elect...
GEORGE CARLIN The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends. I mean, life is tough. It takes up a lot of you...
GEORGE CARLIN Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fires, what do freedom fighters fight?
GEORGE CARLIN we get what we deserve. They are our elected officials.
GEORGE CARLIN When you're born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you're born in America, you get a ...
GEORGE CARLIN You know an odd feeling? Sitting on the toilet eating a chocolate candy bar
GEORGE CARLIN Is fuel efficiency really what we need most desperately? I say what we really need is a car that can...
GEORGE CARLIN If you think there's a solution, you're part of the problem
GEORGE CARLIN In America, anyone can become president. That's the problem.
GEORGE CARLIN When someone is impatient and says, 'I haven't got all day,' I always wonder, How can th...
GEORGE CARLIN Don’t just teach your children to read…
Teach them to question what they read.
Teach t...
GEORGE CARLIN Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
GEORGE CARLIN I don't know how you feel, but I'm pretty sick of church people. You know what they ought to do with...
GEORGE CARLIN I have as much authority as the Pope. I just don’t have as many people who believe it.
GEORGE CARLIN Something is wrong here. War, disease, death, destruction, hunger, filth, poverty, torture, crime, c...
GEORGE CARLIN I tried to believe that there is a God, who created each of us in His own image and likeness, loves ...
GEORGE CARLIN Conservatives say if you don't give the rich more money, they will lose their incentive to invest. A...
GEORGE CARLIN There's also way too much religion in the South to be consistent with good mental health.

GEORGE CARLIN So I say, “Live and let live.” That’s my motto. “Live and let live.” And anyone who can’...
GEORGE CARLIN THINGS YOU NEVER HEAR: 'Please stop sucking my dick or I'll call the police.
GEORGE CARLIN Some people have no idea what they're doing, and a lot of them are really good at it.
GEORGE CARLIN I think these pipe-smokers oughta just move to the next level and go ahead and suck a dick. There's ...
GEORGE CARLIN I don't like ass kissers, flag wavers or team players. I like people who buck the system. Individual...
GEORGE CARLIN When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to hear '27 months.' 'He's two' will do just fine. ...
GEORGE CARLIN If it’s true that our species is alone in the universe, then I’d have to say the universe aimed ...
GEORGE CARLIN There are women named Faith, Hope, Joy, and Prudence. Why not Despair, Guilt, Rage, and Grief? It se...
GEORGE CARLIN If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten
GEORGE CARLIN [On school uniforms] Don't these schools do enough damage making all these kids think alike, now the...
GEORGE CARLIN Life is a series of dogs
GEORGE CARLIN I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where's the self-help section?' She said if she tol...
GEORGE CARLIN So, have a little fun. Soon enough you'll be dead and burning in Hell with the rest of your family.
GEORGE CARLIN I read that Monica Seles got stabbed. And although I have nothing against Monica Seles, I'm glad som...
GEORGE CARLIN May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
GEORGE CARLIN May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.-.
GEORGE CARLIN I was thinking about how people seem to read the bible a lot more as they get older, and then it daw...
GEORGE CARLIN They call it the 'American Dream' because you have to be asleep to believe it.
GEORGE CARLIN One can never know for sure what a deserted area looks like
GEORGE CARLIN Comedy is a socially acceptable form of hostility and aggression. That is what comics do, stand the ...
GEORGE CARLIN I have no emotional stake in Panda fucking.
GEORGE CARLIN Jesus was a cross dresser
GEORGE CARLIN By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth
GEORGE CARLIN The word bipartisan means some larger-than-usual deception is being carried out
GEORGE CARLIN Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity
GEORGE CARLIN What makes me nervous is when I am at an airport and the stewardess says get on the plane. I say fuc...
GEORGE CARLIN Most people with low self-esteem have earned it
GEORGE CARLIN If God had intended us not to masturbate he would've made our arms shorter
GEORGE CARLIN If churches want to play the game of politics, let them pay admission like everyone else
GEORGE CARLIN I don't vote. Two reasons. First of all it's meaningless; this country was bought and sold a long ti...
GEORGE CARLIN If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
GEORGE CARLIN I believe you can joke about anything.
GEORGE CARLIN I'm the creative type,
GEORGE CARLIN When I got out of high school they retired my jersey, but it was for hygiene and sanitary reasons
GEORGE CARLIN Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac.
GEORGE CARLIN He had a sort of pain that was fairly evident.
GEORGE CARLIN Rich White Men Don't Care About Poor Black People
GEORGE CARLIN You get to play with people's little danger zones.
GEORGE CARLIN 'We hope you enjoy your stay in Chicago or wherever your final destination may be.' All destinations...
GEORGE CARLIN When you stress individualism, as this country does; materialism, as this country does; personal wea...
GEORGE CARLIN In comic strips, the person on the right always speaks first.
GEORGE CARLIN In labor news, longshoremen walked off the piers today; rescue operations are continuing
GEORGE CARLIN I went straight from shenanigans to cries against humanity
GEORGE CARLIN A man came up to me on the street and said I used to be messed up out of my mind on drugs but now I'...
GEORGE CARLIN I tell ya, if I hadn't chosen the career of being a performer, I think linguistics would have been a...
GEORGE CARLIN If you’re reading it in a book, folks, it ain’t self-help. It’s help.
GEORGE CARLIN If the Reds were baseball's first team, who did they play?
GEORGE CARLIN What if Alexander Graham Bell's name were Alexander Graham Siren? The phone wouldn't ring, it would ...
GEORGE CARLIN Little-known fact: When the stock exchange closes, the guy who comes out on the balcony with that bi...
GEORGE CARLIN Excuse me, officer, but would you mind bringing the wreckage a little closer this way? My wife can't...
GEORGE CARLIN Everything beeps now
GEORGE CARLIN You live eighty years, and at best you get about six minutes of pure magic
GEORGE CARLIN Think about it,
GEORGE CARLIN I remember when I was a kid I used to come home from Sunday School and my mother would get drunk and...
GEORGE CARLIN Most people are not particularly good at anything
GEORGE CARLIN I enjoy watching reruns of Saturday Night Live and counting all the dead people
GEORGE CARLIN When Thomas Edison worked late into the night on the electric light, he had to do it by gas lamp or ...
GEORGE CARLIN What are you going to do, play with your prick for another 20 to 30 years,>Read People Magazine your...
GEORGE CARLIN One thing i don't understand is sex is legal and selling things is legal but selling sex is illegal.
GEORGE CARLIN “The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.”
GEORGE CARLIN If a piece requires some specific inflection, I'll record it. I take a lot of notes, and later categ...
GEORGE CARLIN Without the laughs, the audience wouldn't be there at all, so in that sense, yes, I am a comedian.
GEORGE CARLIN