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If you have to say you're kidding, it might not be a great joke.


Ellen DeGeneres

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Here’s a professional tip: If you have to say you’re kidding, it might not be a great joke.
ELLEN DEGENERES The Ellen DeGeneres Show.
ADRIEN BRODY Procrastination is not the problem. It is the solution.

Procrastinate now, don’t put it...
ELLEN DEGENERES I think Ellen DeGeneres is just hysterical.
PAUL RUDD It's not being marketed as a gay show by a gay person. It's just Ellen DeGeneres.
KYAN DOUGLAS Who knows, it could have been Hillary Clinton herself, doing a Freudian slip during a commercial bre...
BRIAN DONAHUE Who knows, it could have been Hillary Clinton herself, doing a Freudian slip during a commercial bre...
BRIAN DONAHUE The mainstream needs Ellen DeGeneres and Rosie O'Donnell. The mainstream needs RuPaul.
BILLY EICHNER Comedy and politics have a lot in common. Both are great ways to pick up chicks - just look at Gover...
ALEXANDRA PETRI This is an evolving kind of situation, and what might have been appropriate a week ago might not be ...
KEN EHRLICH Things will get easier, people's minds will change, and you should be alive to see it.
ELLEN DEGENERES We'll go see some theater, and we'll hang out and do some stuff there. We'll go to clubs, ... Ellen ...
ELLEN DEGENERES I was doing stand-up at a restaurant and there was a chalkboard on the street out front. It said, So...
ELLEN DEGENERES I was doing stand-up at a restaurant and there was a chalkboard on the street out front. It said, ''...
ELLEN DEGENERES The Ellen DeGeneres show called, and they are interested in Ian. We didn't expect anything like that...
IAN GILCHRIST It might be great if you won. It's not the greatest game if you lost, ... You can say whatever you w...
CHARLIE WEIS When I was a kid, Ellen DeGeneres and Rosie O'Donnell were mere blips on the gaydar; and they we...
BETH DITTO If you were to ask everyone what 'Hamlet' was about, they might say, "It's about a ...
ORLANDO BLOOM [• Ellen DeGeneres , who was praised for her graceful performance as host of the Emmy Awards that ...
ELLEN DEGENERES But if they didn't think it was a joke, or if anybody took it the wrong way other than a joke, when ...
JOE GIBBS I was a big Jay Leno fan, so I was sorry to see him go. But my number one person that I watch, she&#...
MEGYN KELLY I'm not kidding when I say they hope you die before they have to do anything for you. That's the tru...
GLENN WILLIAMS you have GOT to be kidding me....
ADELIA MARIE GALLOWAY You have got to be kidding me
SUSAN HOLT if youre never scared, or embarased, or hurt, it means you never take any chances.
JULIA SOREL Whether he was kidding or not, ... Tiger Woods wouldn't say it. Jack Nicklaus wouldn't say it.
DAVIS LOVE III Whether he was kidding or not, ... Tiger Woods wouldn't say it; Jack Nicklaus wouldn't say it.
DAVIS LOVE III If the placebo effect was a week or two, I would understand that and say, 'Yes, youre right.' You kn...
BOB GREEN Suppose something would happen to the president, who would be in charge? The Vice President. Joe Bid...
DOUGLAS WILDER It's good to have a title that's not just one word. If you're gonna title it, you might as well try ...
DAMIEN HIRST You have got to be kidding. I have nothing left.
NATALIE APPLETON If you want to find something with an equation, you must start thinking like a person who have it.
DEYTH BANGER Would I be surprised if Boston College jumped? Are you kidding? I think they've been waiting to be a...
RICH RODRIGUEZ If something stinks, I say it stinks. But I try to massage it a little and not be as cutting, come b...
WANDA SYKES The words I'm singing now Mean nothing more than meow to an animal
THEY MIGHT BE GIANTS To be or not to be is not a question of compromise. Either you be or you don't be.
GOLDA MEIR It's good to have a title that's not just one word. If you're gonna title it, you might ...
DAMIEN HIRST People asked if I could have played the Terminator. Are you kidding? Not a chance, I never could hav...
SYLVESTER STALLONE You know when I told you the joke about how a friend will help you move, but a real friend will help...
BRAD THOR I guess my feeling is is that if you're going to make a joke, that's fine, but you should al...
ADAM CAROLLA Your reality is someone's dream, Ur dreams are someone's joke, Ur joke are someone’s reality. Don'...
CYNTHIA A To be, or not to be, that is the question.
WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE If you explain to a patient what can be done and what might be the downsides, let the patient choose...
JOHN GURDON It is vain to say human beings might be satisfied with tranquillity; they must have action, and they...
CHARLOTTE BRONTE If your regime is not strong enough to handle a joke, then you don't have a regime.
JON STEWART We have to keep a good frame of mind and not overlook La Villa. Anytime you do that, youre going to ...
HECTOR GARCIA A guy once told me a joke and the joke goes like this, "I wonder if I am living a horrible nightmare...
GIDEON O. OMORUYI If you have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say Kool Whip on the side, you might be a red...
JEFF FOXWORTHY If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?
STEVEN WRIGHT If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?
STEPHEN WRIGHT If you want to relocate to be closer to family, that's great, you're moving closer to your support s...
GIGI GAO You can’t say ‘if this didn’t happen then that would have happened’ because you don’t know...
TERRY PRATCHETT I'm kidding about having only a few dollars. I might have a few dollars more.
JAMES BROWN He (Shields) has been doing it all year long. He might not get the credit, but to have a great close...
FRANCISCO RODRIGUEZ Say wharever you choose about the object, and wharever you might say it is not. Or, in other words: ...
ALFRED KORZYBSKI How to be Great;The moment you realize & accept the ordinary fact that those doing great things toda...
DAVID ATTA (A.K.A DAVIED ATTLARS & MR DAIN) How to be great;Think of a gigantic & unheard of idea to birth & nurture & inside it lies your great...
DAVID ATTA (A.K.A DAVIED ATTLARS & MR DAIN) I don't think our Beat Generation would even be known as that, had it not been for Ginsberg. You mig...
LAWRENCE FERLINGHETTI The monster likes to talk; he jumps into your head and opens your mouth, making it spout your deepes...
ELLEN HOPKINS A great way to LIVE is to BE, DO, and HAVE all the things you really, really, really want before you...
LORRIN L. LEE They say that a dirty car is harder to grab than a clean, shiny car. It might be helpful to drive a ...
WILLIAM BARRON If youre in an awkward position, feel comfortable enough to walk away.
BEAU MIRCHOFF If you listen to your fears, you will die never knowing what a great person you might have been.
ROBERT H. SCHULLER You can say, "I love you," in Helvetica. And you can say it with Helvetica Extra Light if you want t...
MASSIMO VIGNELLI I've known Ellen for years. I think she's a great actress.
ANDY GARCIA To be or not to be. That's not really a question.
JEAN-LUC GODARD You say, 'If I had a little more, I should be very satisfied.' You make a mistake. If you are not co...
CHARLES HADDON SPURGEON We are ready for it. I'm not kidding you.
BARB COX I'll say one word - pathetic. That cannot be. Sixteen golfers. Are you kidding me? And that is a hug...
IAN POULTER Be what you would seem to be - or, if you'd like it put more simply - never imagine yourself not to ...
LEWIS CARROLL Be what you would seem to be -- or, if you'd like it put more simply -- Never imagine yourself not t...
LEWIS CARROLL You know that we've got a few problems we need to talk through before we get married."

"I...
SUSAN ELIZABETH PHILLIPS This is sams phone" there was a long,heavy pause, and then: "oh." Another pause. "Youre the girl, ar...
MAGGIE STIEFVATER If you say you are a company that offers great service, you have do it all of the time.
VIVIAN DEUSCHL When you're in the editing room, the dangerous thing is that it becomes like telling a joke agai...
RIDLEY SCOTT If you listened hard enough the first time, you might have heard what I meant to say.
UNKNOWN Tomorrow will be better.”
“But what if it’s not?” I asked.
“Then you say it agai...
MORGAN MATSON If you'd take your head home and boil it for a turnip it might be useful. I can't say. But it might.
G.K. CHESTERTON Sometimes you say things with a smile with the precise intention of making it clear that you are not...
UMBERTO ECO It's a shame now when you drive by and look back there. You just say, 'Wow, you gotta be kidding! Yo...
HOWIE LOCKE If you have a script that's not great, if you have a great director, you can make a great movie,...
MONICA BELLUCCI If you compare this (election) to Clare, something like this might generate 100 (voters), ... I'm no...
CHRIS BURNS I think that it's always possible to have a great company if you have great ideas. I will say that s...
JERRY YANG You better believe it's causing me a lot of trouble. If I didn't have a son, I wouldn't be living. O...
DICK TAYLOR Be yourself, be who you can be.
LAILAH GIFTY AKITA There are some conversations that are undeniably improved when the rule going in is that you have to...
JONATHAN ZITTRAIN If you catch yourself wondering why you want more of the world and you're not satisfied with God, it...
CRAIG GROESCHEL It is the ability to take a joke, not make one, that proves you have a sense of humor.
MAX EASTMAN A coin is examined, and only after careful deliberation, given to a beggar, whereas a child is flung...
PETER WESSEL ZAPFFE I feel like that?s just going to be Ann. Ann?s just going to say she?s fine all the time. You want t...
BRITTANY HUNTER Here is a lesson in creative writing.

First rule: Do not use semicolons. They are transve...
KURT VONNEGUT If you make an error, use it as a stepping stone to a new idea you might not have otherwise discover...
ROGER VON OECH Do I have the courage of being a ruthless man to myself with the complete knowledge on my manner or ...
FEREIDOON YAZDI You say it to my face, you might be pickin' yourself off the ground
BILLIE JOE ARMSTRONG if it doesn't come bursting out of you
in spite of everything,
don't do it.
unless it...
CHARLES BUKOWSKI I think if you like somebody you have to tell them. It might be embarrassing to say it, but you will...
DONALD MILLER To bring in the people, you have to have something different. You might not come down because you sa...
DAVID FOSTER It does take a little bit of the pressure off when you might not be expected to be there. This town ...
LARRY FARMER You just have to be prepared because in the Premier League, you are not always going to have more th...
DIEGO COSTA You've just got to wait and see how it plays out. If it comes together like they put it down on pape...
BEN WALLACE

More Ellen DeGeneres

I am saddened by how people treat one another and how we are so shut off from one another and how we...
ELLEN DEGENERES I would love for the world to be happier.
ELLEN DEGENERES I learned compassion from being discriminated against. Everything bad that's ever happened to me...
ELLEN DEGENERES So many people prefer to live in drama because it's comfortable. It's like someone staying i...
ELLEN DEGENERES If you're going to be honest with yourself, you have to admit that you go into show business wan...
ELLEN DEGENERES The world is full of a lot of fear and a lot of negativity, and a lot of judgment. I just think peop...
ELLEN DEGENERES Sometimes you can't see yourself clearly until you see yourself through the eyes of others.
ELLEN DEGENERES And now I've got to explain the smell that was in there before I went in there. Does that ever happe...
ELLEN DEGENERES Beauty is about being comfortable in your own skin. It's about knowing and accepting who you are.
ELLEN DEGENERES The only thing that scares me more than space aliens is the idea that there aren't any space aliens....
ELLEN DEGENERES I'm a godmother, that's a great thing to be, a godmother. She calls me god for short, that's cute, I...
ELLEN DEGENERES Accept who you are. Unless you're a serial killer.
ELLEN DEGENERES I'm just saying we can all work on our manners. We can say please and thank you. We can be punctual....
ELLEN DEGENERES Above all things physical, it is more important to be beautiful on the inside - to have a big hear a...
ELLEN DEGENERES Life is about balance. The good and the bad. The highs and the lows. The thing everyone should reali...
ELLEN DEGENERES It always helps to think about other people instead of ourselves.
ELLEN DEGENERES If someone ever says you’re weird, say thank you.
ELLEN DEGENERES If your Birthday is on Christmas day and you're not Jesus, you should start telling people your birt...
ELLEN DEGENERES You just have to keep driving down the road. It's going to bend and curve and you'll speed up and sl...
ELLEN DEGENERES Haiku sounds like I'm
Saying hi to someone named
Ku. Hi, Ku. Hello.
ELLEN DEGENERES Answers to Frequently Asked Questions:
Yes.
Yes.
No.
One time in high school. ELLEN DEGENERES Contribute to the world. Help people. Help one person. Help someone cross the street today. Help som...
ELLEN DEGENERES Now,I'm no scientist,but I know what endorphins are. They're tiny little magical elves that swim thr...
ELLEN DEGENERES The thing everyone should realize is that the key to happiness is being happy for yourself and yours...
ELLEN DEGENERES So be who you really are. Embrace who you are. Literally. Hug yourself. Accept who you are. Unless y...
ELLEN DEGENERES Who's to say what's better or worse anyway? Who's to even say what's normal or average? We're all di...
ELLEN DEGENERES Our flaws are what makes us human. If we can accept them as part of who we are, they really don't ev...
ELLEN DEGENERES Leaning forward in your chair when someone is trying to squeeze behind you isn't enough. You also ha...
ELLEN DEGENERES Way, way back in the day, like in the 1990s, if you wanted to tell everyone you ate waffles for brea...
ELLEN DEGENERES I wonder what will happen if i put a hand cream on my feet, will they get confused and start clappin...
ELLEN DEGENERES I personally like being unique. I like being my own person with my own style and my own opinions and...
ELLEN DEGENERES It's failure that gives you the proper perspective on success.
ELLEN DEGENERES It makes a big difference in your life when you stay positive.
ELLEN DEGENERES Find out who you are and figure out what you believe in. Even if it's different from what your neigh...
ELLEN DEGENERES What’s not so great is that all this technology is destroying our social skills. Not only have we ...
ELLEN DEGENERES True beauty is not related to what color your hair is or what color your eyes are. True beauty is ab...
ELLEN DEGENERES Do things that make you happy within the confines of the legal system.
ELLEN DEGENERES When you take risks you learn that there will be times when you succeed and there will be times when...
ELLEN DEGENERES My point is, life is about balance. The good and the bad. The highs and the lows. The pina and the c...
ELLEN DEGENERES Laugh. Laugh as much as you can. Laugh until you cry. Cry until you laugh. Keep doing it even if peo...
ELLEN DEGENERES If you want to test cosmetics, why do it on some poor animal who hasn't done anything? They should u...
ELLEN DEGENERES I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always say because it's such a beautiful ...
ELLEN DEGENERES You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She...
ELLEN DEGENERES I was doing stand-up at a restaurant and there was a chalkboard on the street out front. It said, So...
ELLEN DEGENERES Giving birth is like taking your lower lip and forcing it over your head.
ELLEN DEGENERES I was in yoga the other day. I was in full lotus position. My chakras were all aligned. My mind is c...
ELLEN DEGENERES Don't give advice. It will come back and bite you in the [butt]. Don't take anyone's advice. So, my ...
ELLEN DEGENERES The reason I do what I do is because I was influenced by Steve Martin, by Woody Allen, by Bob Newhar...
ELLEN DEGENERES The only thing I really recommend, if you're starting out in stand-up is to not try to copy anyb...
ELLEN DEGENERES People always ask me, 'Were you funny as a child?' Well, no, I was an accountant.
ELLEN DEGENERES The stand up, everything was accidental. I never grew up and was the class clown and had to get the ...
ELLEN DEGENERES People give me such a hard time because I don't wear dresses. What's that got to do with any...
ELLEN DEGENERES My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's ninety-seven now, and ...
ELLEN DEGENERES Find out who you are and be that person. That's what your soul was put on this Earth to be. Find...
ELLEN DEGENERES I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always say because it's such a beauti...
ELLEN DEGENERES I don't pay attention to the number of birthdays. It's weird when I say I'm 53. It just ...
ELLEN DEGENERES We focus so much on our differences, and that is creating, I think, a lot of chaos and negativity an...
ELLEN DEGENERES Nothing says holidays, like a cheese log.
ELLEN DEGENERES I think everybody should have the same anger towards the injustice that's happening and the hatr...
ELLEN DEGENERES I have sadness in me. I have anger in me. I have heartbreak in me.
ELLEN DEGENERES Whatever you define family as, family is just a part of belonging to something that takes care of yo...
ELLEN DEGENERES We need more kindness, more compassion, more joy, more laughter. I definitely want to contribute to ...
ELLEN DEGENERES I get those fleeting, beautiful moments of inner peace and stillness - and then the other 23 hours a...
ELLEN DEGENERES If we're destroying our trees and destroying our environment and hurting animals and hurting one...
ELLEN DEGENERES Here are the values that I stand for: honesty, equality, kindness, compassion, treating people the w...
ELLEN DEGENERES It's our challenges and obstacles that give us layers of depth and make us interesting. Are they...
ELLEN DEGENERES Things will get easier, people's minds will change, and you should be alive to see it.
ELLEN DEGENERES I just want to find somebody special, somebody that I click with.
ELLEN DEGENERES We have two dogs, Mabel and Wolf, and three cats at home, Charlie, George and Chairman. We have two ...
ELLEN DEGENERES I didn't grow up in a house - we moved a lot, and we always lived in apartments. But we looked a...
ELLEN DEGENERES Right before I decided to come out, I went on a spiritual retreat called 'Changing the Inner Dia...
ELLEN DEGENERES Most comedy is based on getting a laugh at somebody else's expense. And I find that that's j...
ELLEN DEGENERES I think they should have a Barbie with a buzz cut.
ELLEN DEGENERES I'm sure there's somebody out there who doesn't like Betty White because she's short...
ELLEN DEGENERES I love kids. But that's such a big commitment. And it seems long-term. It seems like a commitmen...
ELLEN DEGENERES I had everything I'd hoped for, but I wasn't being myself. So I decided to be honest about w...
ELLEN DEGENERES I like being busy and juggling a lot of things at the same time. I get bored easily, so I need to do...
ELLEN DEGENERES I work really hard at trying to see the big picture and not getting stuck in ego. I believe we'r...
ELLEN DEGENERES I'm not an activist; I don't look for controversy. I'm not a political person, but I'...
ELLEN DEGENERES My father was a first reader in the Christian Science Church, which is similar to being a preacher. ...
ELLEN DEGENERES I became vegan because I saw footage of what really goes on in the slaughterhouses and on the dairy ...
ELLEN DEGENERES Have you ever heard somebody sing some lyrics that you've never sung before, and you realize you've ...
ELLEN DEGENERES I'm so unfamiliar with the gym, I call it James!
ELLEN DEGENERES My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's ninety-seven now, and we d...
ELLEN DEGENERES I do have ADD and in real life, I'm all over the place and can hardly focus. If we were talking ...
ELLEN DEGENERES I still have the shirt I wore my first time on Johnny Carson's show. Only now I use it as a tabl...
ELLEN DEGENERES You know, it's hard work to write a book. I can't tell you how many times I really get going on an i...
ELLEN DEGENERES When I was younger I thought success was something different. I thought, " When I grow up, I want to...
ELLEN DEGENERES You have to have funny faces and words, you can't just have words. It is a powerful thing, and I thi...
ELLEN DEGENERES What you look like on the outside is not what makes you cool at all. I mean, I had a mullet and wore...
ELLEN DEGENERES I have the worst memory ever so no matter who comes up to me - they're just, like, 'I can't believe ...
ELLEN DEGENERES The way I see it... If you need both of your hands for whatever it is you're doing, then your brain ...
ELLEN DEGENERES Really, he called me that? Ellen DeGenerate? I've been getting that since fourth grade. I guess I'm ...
ELLEN DEGENERES The good psychic would pick up the phone before it rang. Of course it is possible there was noone on...
ELLEN DEGENERES Sometimes when I am driving I get so angry at inconsiderate drivers that I want to scream at them. B...
ELLEN DEGENERES I don't need a baby growing inside me for nine months. For one thing, there's morning sickness. If I...
ELLEN DEGENERES They say you just stand over there, he'll say thank you and you walk back off and that's what I thou...
ELLEN DEGENERES In the beginning there was nothing. God said, 'Let there be light!' And there was light. There was s...
ELLEN DEGENERES Stuffed deer heads on walls are bad enough, but it's worse when they are wearing dark glasses and ha...
ELLEN DEGENERES Sometimes you can't see yourself clearly until you see yourself through the eyes of others.
ELLEN DEGENERES Procrastination isn't the problem, it's the solution. So procrastinate now, don't put it off.
ELLEN DEGENERES My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's ninety-seven now, and we d...
ELLEN DEGENERES I was coming home from kindergarten--well they told me it was kindergarten. I found out later I had ...
ELLEN DEGENERES I gotta work out. I keep saying it all the time. I keep saying I gotta start working out. It's been ...
ELLEN DEGENERES I don't understand the sizes anymore. There's a size zero, which I didn't even know that they had. I...
ELLEN DEGENERES For me, it's that I contributed, ... That I'm on this planet doing some good and making people happy...
ELLEN DEGENERES I didn't go to college at all, any college, and I'm not saying you wasted your time or money, but lo...
ELLEN DEGENERES Life is like one big Mardi Gras. But instead of showing your boobs, show people your brain, and if t...
ELLEN DEGENERES Some of the most devastating things that happen to you will teach you the most.
ELLEN DEGENERES Follow your passion. Stay true to yourself. Never follow someone else's path unless you're in the wo...
ELLEN DEGENERES People love gossip. It's the biggest thing that keeps the entertainment industry going.
ELLEN DEGENERES And we certainly don't have full conversations on cellphones. You know? Usually the reception is so ...
ELLEN DEGENERES "I don't understand the sizes anymore. There's a size zero, which I didn't even know that they had. ...
ELLEN DEGENERES I just feel like every kid is growing up too fast and they're seeing too much. Everything is abo...
ELLEN DEGENERES I was coming home from kindergarten - well they told me it was kindergarten. I found out later I had...
ELLEN DEGENERES its like picking your least favorite color of the rainbow
ELLEN DEGENERES I have a great career, and I have wonderful fans who really are supportive and loyal - because I'...
ELLEN DEGENERES Our egos tells us we're the only ones that have any kind of feelings. We're the only ones with a rel...
ELLEN DEGENERES People always ask me, 'Were you funny as a child?' Well, no, I was an accountant.
ELLEN DEGENERES And be sure to look for me next month when I host the North Korean Peoples Choice Awards.
ELLEN DEGENERES We've quit our agents, let go of our publicist. We're selling our house and leaving town.
ELLEN DEGENERES Soap Talk.
ELLEN DEGENERES There are a million people who are refugees, ... Life goes on, and if it didn't impact you directly,...
ELLEN DEGENERES [I went to a] coffee shop here and the smallest coffee is a tall... "I need a coffee with a side of ...
ELLEN DEGENERES I didn't want the Web site to be impersonal and I wanted to interact with people, ... The hammer and...
ELLEN DEGENERES "Here's the analogy. If my body were a car, I'd be thinking about trading it in around now. I would ...
ELLEN DEGENERES Oh she tripped?....Nooo, she's running. I thought she tripped but she's running. She stopped running...
ELLEN DEGENERES Friends will write me letters. They run out of room on the front of the letter. They write 'over' on...
ELLEN DEGENERES [Golden eagles have an interesting way of mating, where they connect in the air while flying at eigh...
ELLEN DEGENERES I think people talk too much anyway. Sometimes people are talking to me and in my mind I'm just like...
ELLEN DEGENERES I collect old portraits. They're all just interesting pictures of people, and you just kind of w...
ELLEN DEGENERES Faith is part of who I am, yes. I was raised Christian Scientist. The most important thing I saw eve...
ELLEN DEGENERES I do fantasize about having my own shop one day.
ELLEN DEGENERES But seriously, I think overall in the scheme of things winning an Emmy is not important. Let's g...
ELLEN DEGENERES Just go up to somebody on the street and say "You're it!" and just run away.
ELLEN DEGENERES In the beginning there was nothing. God said, 'Let there be light!' And there was light. The...
ELLEN DEGENERES If we're destroying our trees and destroying our environment and hurting animals and hurting one...
ELLEN DEGENERES ...if you want to add a little spice to your life, plant some dill. And learn to salsa.
ELLEN DEGENERES I'm a lesbian, an Aquarian, and a vegetarian.
ELLEN DEGENERES I do like men and I had, you know, a guy in high school that I wanted to marry desperately. He's...
ELLEN DEGENERES When we were growing up our parents somehow made it clear that being famous was good. And I mistaken...
ELLEN DEGENERES Dan: 'Ah, well, I hope this didn't have anything to do with me.'

Ellen: 'No, not unless y...
ELLEN DEGENERES My aunt has lost everything, she has nothing. She grabbed four pictures out of her house. She's lost...
ELLEN DEGENERES My dad is still Christian Scientist. My mom's not, and I'm not. But I believe in God, and th...
ELLEN DEGENERES Procrastinate now, don't put it off.
ELLEN DEGENERES "I feel like I have a hangover, without all the happy memories and mystery bruises." ELLEN DEGENERES "I think people talk too much anyway. Sometimes people are talking to me and in my mind I'm just lik...
ELLEN DEGENERES I'm probably the most honest person you'll ever meet - to a fault, like, I-will-hurt-your-fe...
ELLEN DEGENERES Hosting the Oscars is pretty much the scariest thing you can do. To me, this is right up there with ...
ELLEN DEGENERES I would say 'no'! It's such a thankless job. If you do great, nobody mentions it. If you don't, ever...
ELLEN DEGENERES I think I let go of the need for approval,
ELLEN DEGENERES I think I let go of the need for approval, ... It certainly feels good when you get it, but I used t...
ELLEN DEGENERES But seriously, I think overall in the scheme of things winning an Emmy is not important. Let's get o...
ELLEN DEGENERES "I see those picketers, and I think you know, if I weren't a loving, non-violent, spiritual person, ...
ELLEN DEGENERES The sixties were when hallucinogenic drugs were really, really big. And I don't think it's a coincid...
ELLEN DEGENERES "I swear if Colgate comes out with one more type of toothepaste. I just want clean teeth that's all ...
ELLEN DEGENERES Why is it that when you wipe up dust its called dusting but when you wipe up a spill its not called ...
ELLEN DEGENERES You should never assume. You know what happens when you assume. You make an ass out of you and me be...
ELLEN DEGENERES The problem with labels is that they lead to stereotypes and stereotypes lead to generalizations and...
ELLEN DEGENERES I was coming home from kindergarten - well they told me it was kindergarten. I found out later I had...
ELLEN DEGENERES Don't hold onto things, it will only bring you pain.
ELLEN DEGENERES That's what life is all about. There's a lot of crying. So you'd better cry now and get used to it.
ELLEN DEGENERES The only way a no-legged leopard could hurt you is if it fell out of a tree onto your head.
ELLEN DEGENERES I still get scared at night. Every tiny creak, every little noise, I open my eyes real wide and list...
ELLEN DEGENERES [• Ellen DeGeneres , who was praised for her graceful performance as host of the Emmy Awards that ...
ELLEN DEGENERES We'll go see some theater, and we'll hang out and do some stuff there. We'll go to clubs, ... Ellen ...
ELLEN DEGENERES I was doing stand-up at a restaurant and there was a chalkboard on the street out front. It said, ''...
ELLEN DEGENERES I feel sorry for the newscasters you know? We can turn it off. But that's their job and they have to...
ELLEN DEGENERES "I'm feeling so good. I feel like a million bucks. I'm focused, I'm alert, I'm zippy and top of my g...
ELLEN DEGENERES Come on, if you don't win tonight it doesn't mean you're not a good person, it just means you're not...
ELLEN DEGENERES You know me. Any excuse to put on a dress.
ELLEN DEGENERES "I feel like I have a hangover, without all the happy memories and mystery bruises."
ELLEN DEGENERES I'm on the patch right now. Where it releases small dosages of approval until I no longer crave it, ...
ELLEN DEGENERES Normal is getting dressed in clothes that you buy for work and driving through traffic in a car that...
ELLEN DEGENERES Hello?..Oh, hi Tom. Ooh, I've been dying to see that movie...Mmm no, I just opened up some yogurt. I...
ELLEN DEGENERES It's definitely a heterosexual feeling, but it's directed at you.
ELLEN DEGENERES Yeah [I'm thirty-six], but on the show I'm thirty-two. Nobody wants to watch a thirty-six year old w...
ELLEN DEGENERES I was raised around heterosexuals, as all heterosexuals are, that's where us gay people come from......
ELLEN DEGENERES Trying to get the talk show, looking back on it, we had to beg a lot of station managers to pick up ...
ELLEN DEGENERES The first house I bought was a little Spanish bungalow on Clinton Street in West Hollywood, right be...
ELLEN DEGENERES I'm on the patch right now. Where it releases small dosages of approval until I no longer crave ...
ELLEN DEGENERES It's not like I grew up playing pranks on people, and I was not that girl in school.
ELLEN DEGENERES I just like observing people - it's something I've done ever since I was a kid, and I got re...
ELLEN DEGENERES Yeah I'm thirty-six, but on the show I'm thirty-two. Nobody wants to watch a thirty-six year...
ELLEN DEGENERES Anne wrote it for me and directed, so I was stuck with it, ... We always got along. It's almost gros...
ELLEN DEGENERES New Orleans is my hometown, and our thoughts and prayers go out to everyone affected.
ELLEN DEGENERES I've been trying to find women writers for my staff for a while now and I have three women on my...
ELLEN DEGENERES In the beginning there was nothing. God said, ‘Let there be light!’ And there was light. There w...
ELLEN DEGENERES I get bored easily, so I need to do a lot. I've started a record label, so I get to nurture new ...
ELLEN DEGENERES I enjoy growing older and wiser and learning from my mistakes every single day.
ELLEN DEGENERES I've moved about 10 times over the past 15 years. I don't move for the sole purpose of getti...
ELLEN DEGENERES The first time probably people really were aware of me, I unfortunately had the title of Showtime...
ELLEN DEGENERES Stuffed deer heads on walls are bad enough, but it’s worse when you see them wearing dark glasses,...
ELLEN DEGENERES Procrastination is not the problem. It is the solution. It is the universe's way of saying stop, slo...
ELLEN DEGENERES Life is short. If you doubt me, ask a butterfly. Their average life span is a mere five to fourteen ...
ELLEN DEGENERES Our attention span is shot. We've all got Attention Deficit Disorder or ADD or OCD or one of these d...
ELLEN DEGENERES You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She...
ELLEN DEGENERES I would love to have the same rights as everybody else. I would love, I don't care if it's c...
ELLEN DEGENERES I'm grateful for everything. I'm grateful for my health, and I'm so grateful for the lov...
ELLEN DEGENERES I say always follow your passion, no matter what, because even if it's not the same financial su...
ELLEN DEGENERES